09 May 2011

When You're Here, You're Family!



As if the bread sticks and chicken alfredo weren't enough, did someone really need to blow the whistle on Olive Garden's "Culinary Institute of Tuscany" for us to know they don't actually train their chefs in the hills of Italy? (Also, did anyone actually think the Olive Garden had real chefs?)

08 April 2011

Tangled!

A while back I told you about my doppelganger. Well, apparently I have another one because people have been telling me that I look like Flynn Rider from the Tangled movie. They mean it as a compliment but I don't really take it that way--not because Flynn is a cartoon but because I think he looks like a dork. And since I've always thought I look like a dork, it doesn't really help my self-image.

Anyway, I haven't seen the movie but here is a side-by-side comparison of the two of us:


Was I the inspiration for Flynn Rider? You be the judge.

Like I said, I don't really know much about Flynn, but I can think of five other Disney princes/protagonists that I'd rather be:

Aladdin. This guy was a diamond in the rough. Plus he had a magic carpet that could actually fly. And a genie who could do great voice-overs.

The Beast. Sure, he was really hairy and grouchy but people stayed out of his way when he wanted some time alone. Plus Mrs. Potts was a great housekeeper.

Prince Eric. He had a palace by the sea and a wife who could really sing! I'd get her to cover "Friday" for me as often as possible.

Quasimodo. I have bad posture anyway so this would be a natural fit for me. Except my eyes look normal. And my friends aren't imaginary gargoyles.

Simba. I've always wanted to be friends with a carefree warthog who takes life one day at a time. I wouldn't be too excited about living in Africa, though. I've lost enough money to the Nigerian money wiring scams already!

01 April 2011

I Pity You April Fools!



25 March 2011

Friday vs. Popcorn Popping!


Forty-nine million
hits on YouTube in two weeks:



vs.

Eight hits in two years:



Friday wins!

But with lyrics like

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I ta-a-a-ake?

you shouldn't be too surprised. Also, I didn't have the budget for a sweet rap solo.


Update 4/1/11:

Friday: 72,733,709 hits.
Popcorn Popping: 52 hits.

I'll get you, Rebecca Black!

18 March 2011

Cry Baby!

The other day I heard this story on This American Life about people who cry during movies on airplanes. I'm one of them. Except I cry during movies, TV shows, and commercials, even when I'm not on an airplane. I mean, it's not real crying with tears coming down my face, but I'm definitely still a freak.

So I decided to make a list of times I cried during visual programming in the last month:

  • Oprah when she announced she had a long-lost half sister.
  • The Office when Michael and Holly finally got back together and kissed on the roof.
  • Eagle Eye when Shia Lebouf gets the military medal of honor alongside his father who until that moment had always been more proud of his twin brother.
  • House when Cuddy and House saved Cuddy's Mom's life and Cuddy and her Mom made up after years of tension.
  • The Office when Michael and Holly tell each other they love each other and shake hands.
  • The Grammys when Justin Bieber lost the "Best New Artist" award to that girl with the big hair.
  • The news when Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez (where has he been?!?!) compared Charlie's problems to cancer and expressed their love for him.
  • The Bachelor when Brad breaks up with Ashley before the rose ceremony because he cares too much about her.
  • Despicable Me when the orphan girls and the minions give Gru their money so that bankruptcy won't keep him from stealing the moon.

Awww, poor little cry baby! Do you need a bottle?!

04 March 2011

Apostrophe Catastrophe!

A few years back, when Oh Pepper? was still peaking, I posted this blog in honor of National Grammar Day (today). Maybe you remember this entry, but apparently it hasn't had much effect on the rest of the world because people all around me are still misusing apostrophes like Charlie Sheen bangs seven gram rocks. That's just how they roll.

For example, my former financial advisor sent me this email not too long ago:



And she was a "2nd Vice President." Obviously I had to fire her. You may say to me, "Why does it matter if your financial advisor misuses an apostrophe once in a while?" I may say to you, "Can I trust someone who can't spell a five-letter word correctly to successfully manage the massive fortune generated over the years by Oh Pepper??"

I also recently received this email from Delta Airlines:


What the heck is a "head's up"? And how can I trust Delta to safely fly a plane when they write sentences that make no sense? I think you understand.

So maybe it is time for another apostrophe lesson. "Your invited" to take a tour of some erroneous signs that I've taken the liberty to fix:


This one is funny because Georgia got one apostrophe right but two was just too much for her to keep track of. Georgia's Potatoe's Deluxe what?


I'm of the opinion that any business that misuses an apostrophe in their official sign can't be trusted. These donuts are probably poison.


Take this car, for example. If Ford doesn't pay attention to an apostrophe, how do you know they paid attention to the airbag that is supposed to save your life?


Rule number one while protesting: Using bad grammar on your signs makes you look like an idiot.


Ironic that this alphabet lesson for children is this incorrect.


This sign should actually be broken down into three sentences. I tried to fix it up but it was just too much work. At least the apostrophe is correct now.


Boy's what?


Open Sunday's what?


Perfection has it is price?

Oh, where to begin? How about with the comma that is being used as an apostrophe, and incorrectly at that.


And now the grand finale: A sign company called "Professional Sign's & Lettering." You might not know if your signs will be correct but at least you know they'll be professional.

And one final word of advice—please don't be this family come Christmastime:



You're apostrophe use—its killing me.

07 February 2011

Where's Don Draper When You Need Him?

This a commercial for a local pest control company. Could it be the worst commercial of all time? Yes, yes it could. If you watch it, you'll regret it. Don't watch it.


31 January 2011

Got Milk?

The other day I saw this painting for sale in a local art gallery:



I thought that a painting of a dog breast-feeding (do you call it that?) her pups was kind of weird (and very overpriced at $135), but hey, whatever floats your boat. Then I noticed that someone changed the title:



"Go Milk" is now entitled "Got Milk". Love it!

31 December 2010

The Festivus For The Rest Of Us!

Now that Christmas has come and gone, how about a little Oh Pepper? holiday recap for you? Here was our tree this year:



You can see Robin's presents from me underneath. As you can guess, people always love getting presents wrapped by me. I think it has to do with my glamorous and glitzy custom-wrapping jobs. I've thought about opening a gift-wrapping business to rival Nordstrom's but I just don't have the time it takes to do this full-time. If you're going to do something, do it right--that's what I always say. Anyway, it looks like Robin has been nice this year because she's apparently getting three pairs of shoes, something from Amazon, and Carnation instant breakfast.

An added bonus about this tree: we got it from a tree lot where Chocolate City (RIP) once stood:


Can't go wrong with that. Also, we went to a Christmas party last week with a white elephant gift exchange. I chose pickle gumballs and ranch-flavored toothpicks wrapped in a diaper. I had a hard time opening it since I've never changed a diaper before but the surprises inside were worth it. Unfortunately, though, someone stole it from me so I had to settle for bacon-flavored candy and bacon adhesive bandages.



Because nothing says "Christmas" like bacon-flavored candy and adhesive bandages. Now on to my "real" presents. This Edward bookmark is probably my favorite:



YES!!! Everyone knows how much I love Twilight and it's one of my resolutions this year to re-read all the books again so this was the perfect gift. Thanks, wife! A close second is this "Cute Overload" 2011 calendar:



Usually I get a golf course calendar for myself each year, but I'll probably buy the "Cute Overload" one from now on. Also, someone sent me a card saying they donated a llama, bees, chicks, sheep and rabbits to Heifer International "in my honor." I'll be honest with you, I've never been a big fan of these kinds of gifts. First of all, why not just send me the farm animals directly? I could use some fresh honeycombs, eggs, and wool. Second, like when George Costanza made fake donations to the Human Fund on behalf of his co-workers and kept the money for himself, how do you know Heifer International is real? 'Oh Pepper International' sounds just as legit. See for yourself:


Which one is real?

And finally, you know what the last week of December means: college bowl games! I really enjoyed watching powerhouse games such as the Little Caesars Bowl, R+L Carriers Bowl, Beef O' Brady's Bowl, uDrove Humanitarian Bowl, Maaco Bowl, and Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The rich history and tradition of these classic bowl games is matched by few American sporting events and to me it wouldn't be the Christmas season without spectacles like this.

Anyway, if the new year is half as amazing as my Christmas haul, you know it will be a good one. Happy New Year!

15 December 2010

Is NASCAR A Sport: An Essay



Some questions in life will never be answered. Like why Judah Friedlander is in the opening credits of 30 Rock, why panhandlers ask for money as they're smoking a cigarette, or why people say the Cowboys are 'America's Team'. But today let's talk about this one: is NASCAR a sport?

To do this we shall analyze the elements of the definition like any good attorney would. Dictionary.com defines the word "sport" as "an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often a competitive nature, such as racing*, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc." *Obviously 'racing' here is referring to running or cycling or the like.

First, is NASCAR an athletic activity? I don't think so. Sitting in a car is the same as sitting on a couch in my book. I mean, the drivers only break a sweat because they wear those goofy jumpsuits and it's hot inside the car. You could be 500 pounds and still drive a race car (if you could fit through the window.)

Next, does NASCAR require skill? Well, does it require skill for you or I to cruise on the interstate? I've been doing it for 15 years and it doesn't seem all that special to me. Plus when I do it, I actually turn right once in a while. (Conversely, one could argue that it does require some degree of talent to talk with a drawl.)

Next, does NASCAR require physical prowess? Well, note the fact that Dale Earnhardt was 50 in his last race and you tell me. As long as grandpas are behind the wheel, I'll have to go with no. (No offense, Dad Dad.)

Last, is NASCAR is competitive in nature? I'm actually going to concede this one but only because of my favorite scene from 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story where young Dale exclaims to his father in a moment of passion, "All I wanna do is race, Daddy!" Love it! I also really liked Ricky Bobby's and Cal Naughton's sweet "Shake 'n Bake!" move in the NASCAR documentary, Talladega Nights. (Who knew that a documentary would be able to capture that raw, competitive nature of NASCAR drivers so accurately?)

So in summary, NASCAR only meets one out of the four elements of the definition of "sport." Other arguments that don't help its case include the fact that it's boring and a complete waste of time. Also, I don't think people even watch NASCAR. You might say, "What about those large stadiums full of cheering (and smelly) fans?" I would say, "CGI. How do you think they had full stands of people in the background of Fever Pitch? We all know no one would have sat through the filming of that crap (or paid actual money to watch the movie.)"

Now that we know NASCAR isn't a sport, we can get back to answering more important questions. Like, why every Notre Dame home game is televised on NBC, if Michael Vick still has a thirst for dog fighting, or how people actually say to themselves, "I need a new car. Why not a Pontiac Aztek?"

06 December 2010

Google It!

Some of my favorite Google searches that have recently brought people to Oh Pepper? :
  • Why is mayonnaise gross
  • Rappers with gold teeth
  • Kanye West teeth
  • Island of the Blue Dolphins (this picture comes up)
  • Ice tea on Law and Order
  • Goldteeth
  • Liz Lemon mustache
  • Bindi Irwin and the Crocmen
  • Pictures of hairballs
  • Michael Vick dog pictures
  • Chris Berman and his bad neck ties
  • Vick jersey for dogs
Three cheers for the internet!

30 November 2010

It Tastes Like Chicken!

I know many of you regularly look to Oh Pepper? for important news updates and investigative reporting. So please read on. I now bring your attention to this picture that has recently been going around the interwebs:



No, it's not frozen yogurt; this is processed chicken which will soon be cooked up into yummy chicken nuggets and chicken patties for you to eat.

Now for the recipe. First you separate as much "meat" as you can from the bones--eyes, guts, etc.--and smash it through a sieve. Then you douse it with ammonia to kill all the poisonous bacteria crawling around. Then you add artificial chicken flavoring because ammonia-flavored stuff tastes gross. Then you add artificial food coloring because it is this weird pink color. Then you bread it and fry it and you get your delicious chicken nuggets.

You heard it here. And if it's on the internet, you know it must be true.

Up next: The truth about hot dogs!

15 November 2010

Your Mom Goes To College!



I recently read this "news" story from BYU's Police Beat and just had to re-post it here:

Oct. 5 Two male students were arguing over dating. One was having a difficult time getting dates and was telling the other student about it. The second student joked that he didn’t have a difficult time getting dates and he could date the other student’s mother. The first student took offense and slammed the second student against a wall and brandished a knife. Upon arrival, the police arrested the first student for aggravated assault. However, the second student decided not to press charges, so the first student was released.

I'm not sure which part is funniest: that the first guy can't get a date at BYU, that the second guy said he could get a date with the first guy's mom, or that the dating-your-mom statement caused the first guy to actually pull a knife on the second guy. All around classic. Only in Provo, I guess.

08 November 2010

Welcome Back, Coco!



That's right, I won one of the 10,000 free Conan shirts. And it only took me two hours of constantly refreshing the @TeamCoco Twitter feed waiting for the stupid online code to come through. (Actually I won two but I didn't get the second in Robin's size so I'm in a little bit of trouble.) Welcome back to TV, Conan! (But sorry I won't be watching live tonight, you're on too late.)

03 November 2010

50,000!

Sometime today Oh Pepper? will hit a total of 50,000 visitors since its inception in 2007. Assuming an average of 1 minute per visit, that is 833 hours that you readers will never get back. I guess you could do a lot worse (really, Jersey Shore?), but I sincerely apologize for wasting your time with this nonsense.

So as a thank you for stopping by, the 50,000th visitor will get this signed picture of me with My Buddy:



Leave a comment if you're the lucky 50,000th (or you could just right click and save.) And since you're here now, why not join the Oh Pepper? Facebook Page? 54 people already have and they are all moderately glad they did.

01 November 2010

Farewell, Francie!

Who is Francie, you ask? Until now you've only seen her in Mii form:



Let me give you a recap: Francie has been our landlady since we moved into our building about four years ago. She doesn't drive, she takes long walks with her dog at 5:00 a.m., and she wears exotic outfits (when I met her she was wearing all purple--boots, leggings, skirt, jacket, jewelry, hat, makeup). She is also very meticulous about maintaining our building and the grounds. We often find handwritten notes (we don't think she has a computer) on the front door updating us on the various happenings accordingly.

For example, once she wrote an obituary for the plum tree that fell over in the backyard (sorry, no picture of this one). She left notes outside telling passers-by to clean up their messes.



She periodically left notes on our car informing us that we were parked too long and would be towed.



She left notes everywhere informing the delivery men and mailman that they couldn't leave packages unattended (but how did she type this one???).



She posted 'No Smoking' signs everywhere. One morning she left a note warning us of the dangerous icy conditions. She left notes reminding us to wipe our feet when it was snowy outside.



And probably my favorite memory of her was when she set up a cat house in the common area out back and then later shoveled a walkway so the wild animals to get to the cat house/critter motel during a blizzard (you should click on these links--they're classic!).

Unfortunately though, she and the building's owner recently decided to part ways. So when we brought her some delicious homemade cookies to say thanks for being a great landlady to us all these years, naturally we took a picture together:



So Francie, this blog entry is dedicated to you (sorry you can't read it, maybe it's time for a computer?). We'll miss all your handwritten notes around the building, your exotic yet color-coordinated outfits, and our lingering chats when we'd walk to our car while you were watering the plants. Farewell, Francie!

20 October 2010

Why We Wear Ties: An Essay

Why do we wear neck ties? The more I think about it, the further I am from an answer. I get the suit and dress shirt, sure, but the tie?

Society: "Hey, you're a guy, so you should fasten a colorful, yet tight, noose around your neck."
Guy: "Okay."

When you think about it that way, maybe Lady Gaga's meat dress wasn't so crazy after all.

And I haven't even mentioned how dangerous they are. Who hasn't gotten their tie stuck in a blender, shredder, or escalator at some point?

(Don't worry buddy, we've all been there!)

And don't even think about telling your mom you don't want to wear one to church. She might make you wear two:
(My little brother, circa 1991)

Missionaries don't have a choice either--they have to wear one every day: (some wear the same one for their entire mission, except for transfer days)

(Rome, 1999. Also required: sweet braided leather belts.)

But really, why does society insist on this social norm? We already know we won't wear them in the future:
(Stardate 5943.7, Stardate 47622.1)

And we know from history how lame previous iterations looked:
(1795, 1815)

Plus styles change drastically every decade so you have to keep buying new ones. At the time they may look fine but when you look back it's pretty obvious they were ridiculous:
(San Diego, 1970s)

Surprisingly, though, if you wait long enough, your old ties will become stylish again:
(1966, 2010)

But sometimes they don't look good even now and you just know they never will:
(2010)

But we still wear them. And I have no idea why.