Orange You Glad?

You probably rely on my Apples To Apples blog post every time you go the grocery store and size up which apples to buy. (Braeburn in case you are too lazy to click on the link.) But have you ever faced the same conundrum when choosing orange juice? There are so many brands and they all describe their products with words like “Premium,” “Fresh Squeezed,” "All Natural," etc. Who should you believe?!?!

Is this you in the orange juice aisle?

Oh, Pepper? is now bringing you the results of the first ever Orange Juice Blind Taste Test. No such test has ever been attempted anywhere in the world at any time and the results are posted exclusively here on Oh, Pepper?

The specimens.

I blindly tasted eight different orange juices (all pulp free) two separate times, each time in a different order--Florida Natural, Tropical Pure Premium, Odwalla, Naked, Safeway, Organics, Simply Orange, and Minute Maid. Only three of these were from concentrate—Minute Maid, Safeway, and Organics. The rest were “fresh squeezed.” I gave each a score from 1-10. In between drinks I ate a pretzel and drank water to rid my buds of the previous taste.

Careful consideration.

Cleaning the pallet.

Using a complex formula full of algorithms and quantum equations which are too difficult explain, I calculated which juice is the best value when factoring in cost and taste. I don't think anyone will click on my notes but here they are anyway:

If money were no object you should buy Simply Orange. It's the best.

But factoring in the price, the best value per ounce goes to Minute Maid Premium Original. This is surprising because it's actually from concentrate. So, now you know that "Fresh Squeezed" doesn't necessarily mean better taste.

Other notes: Odwalla tasted like bark and Safeway made me want to wash my mouth out with soap.

Safeway Orange Juice is poison!

I hope you appreciate this information. I spent like $40 on all the stupid orange juice and then had to drink it all in two weeks so it didn't go bad.

Independence Day!

Big Surprise

And here's what the sign on the door says:

There you have it.

Farewell, King of Pop

Oh Michael Jackson, you were such a complicated, creepy man, but you made some sweet music and people were obsessed with you. You had a chimpanzee named Bubbles who cleaned your room for you and a son named Blanket whom you hung over a four-story balcony. You shared a bed with other people's children and you were sued by some of their parents, but you also invented the moon walk and were invited to the White House by two different Presidents. You owned all the Beatles songs and you're the reason we can't legally sing Happy Birthday at restaurants, but you gave millions of dollars to charities and made white gloves cool again. You underwent four rhinoplasties and had a slit for a nose, but a whole prison in The Philippines danced peacefully to your music video choreography for Thriller. Your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi, and your property was called Neverland. You showed us it is possible to to marry your nurse, not live together, but somehow procreate. You wore pajamas to court and you were in a 3-D space movie. You were tried for touching children inappropriately, but this stopped Jay Leno from telling lame jokes in his annoying voice and that was really cool. You were considered a freak in America, but you were invited to live in Bahrain as a personal guest of Sheikh Abdullah. You sold 750 million albums and won 13 Grammy Awards, but you were bankrupt. You had a soft, effeminate voice but you taught us that it doesn't matter if you're black or white, literally. Farewell, King of Pop.

Trashtalking 101

Obviously the best part of competitive activities is the trashtalking. It's probably even more fun than the activity itself. When else is it perfectly acceptable and even expected to berate someone? For example, if your mom is cooking dinner you probably shouldn't criticize her stirring methods or use of spices. But, on a show like Hell's Kitchen where contestants compete to become the owner of a new restaurant, it's perfectly okay for Chef Ramsey to call someone an idiot for chopping an onion wrong.

There are really only two rules when it comes to trashtalking at a sporting event. Just follow these two simple rules and you'll be fine. First, if using a sign, don't spell words wrong or use bad grammar. Second, make sure your team wins. Especially if you're wearing facepaint. You'll look like an idiot walking out of the stadium.

Here's what not to do:

(Why are there bombs on the poster?)

Because at the end of the game you might look like this:

(Dude, what's on your face?)

And the other team might look like this:

Because with your help they just advanced to the Semifinals of the Confederations Cup on a fluke tiebreaker:

And then beat Spain, the #1 team in the world, to advance to the Final:

When you're a US Soccer fan, you should take full advantage of trashtalking opportunities like these. They don't come around too often.

Church History Tour: Palmyra

Last weekend I got to visit the church sites where it all began: PALMYRA!!! I didn't find any gold plates, but I saw some cool stuff.

My parents actually took me here back in '82. I don't remember very much but I've always had this weird memory of them putting me on this stone pillar that was about twenty feet high. And I remember crying the whole time they tried to take a picture of me. Well, I found that "twenty foot stone pillar" and for some reason it didn't seem so scary this time around.

Poor little baby! Why isn't your little sister crying, too, baby?!?!

The Hill Cumorah.

The one downer was that Mrs. Smith was pretty mean and wouldn't even answer the door.

Thanks for the good times, Palmyra. Next stop, Kirtland!

Flag Day!

Happy Flag Day to all!

And if you've been thinking to yourself recently, "C-Biscuit is really slipping. Oh Pepper? just isn't what it used to be," you're probably right. Maybe it's like when Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters have to ask for ideas at the end of their shows because they're not creative enough to come up with their own. Not that I want blog ideas from you. If you send me one I will put your email in the spam folder. I just wanted to acknowledge the drought of A+ blogs on Oh Pepper? Thank you.

Dear TSA,

I want to thank you for preventing me from taking my 6 oz. Yoplait through airport security the other day. It was very careless of me. Those yogurt cultures can be very dangerous, especially when there are more than 3 ounces of them in a single container. If I had paid more attention to your helpful and informational Prohibited Items sign, I would have known better.

Also, thank you for taking the time to explain to me that it was safe to eat my yogurt in the “unsecure” area of the airport (before the metal detectors) but not after entering the “sterile” area of the airport (after the metal detectors.) This now makes total sense to me and I feel silly for having questioned your logic on why I couldn’t just open my Yoplait and eat it in front of you so as not to waste it. You made my flight safer that day. Please know that your tireless efforts don't go unnoticed.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Dear UPS,

People always say that you can do anything with a law degree. Well, I'd like to be a UPS driver. Do you have any openings?

I think I'd go a great job. I'm always in a hurry, I'm an amazing driver, and I'm not afraid to honk at people when they get in the way of my delivery truck. Plus I love wearing brown and I especially love short shorts. Look:

Call me anytime for an interview. I'm ready to work!

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Mustache May!

Some people say to me, "Why grow a mustache?" My answer is simple: "I grow a mustache because I can."

But if you need to justify your mustache to your employer or significant other, just remind them that it's Mustache May. You could also say that if it's okay with the BYU Honor Code, it should be okay with them. Or at last resort, kindly explain that nothing goes better with a bolo tie than a good old-fashioned mustache. You may even use this photo of me as an example if you like.

Happy Mustache May!

National Bike Month!

You probably know that May is National Bike Month. But maybe you didn't know that I once raced against Lance Armstrong in the Tour De France.

I don't know what the big deal is about him winning the Tour seven times in a row. Those hills were nothing. I mean, look at the bike I was riding and the suit I had to wear and I still won the mountain stage!

Don't Believe, Don't Call!

Well, the job search has been going pretty slowly. I know you're probably thinking, "How can someone as amazing and talented as you have a hard time finding a job?" To that I say I guess there aren't any openings that require experience with Photoshopping copyrighted images. Well folks, my luck is changing. I recently saw this amazing sign:

That phone number has changed my life and now I am making CEO income. In fact, I am making so much that my income has been capped by Obama's new CEO compensation rules. But how can I be upset? I'm earning CEO income from home. If you don't believe, don't call.

Product Review: The Slanket

I admit I was pretty skeptical of The Slanket (and The Snuggie--what's the difference?) the moment I saw it in Skymall magazine. And now you see these things everywhere, even as free product placement on hit TV shows like last week's episode of 30 Rock. I didn't get why they were so popular but I guess what really bothered me about The Slanket is that I didn't think of it first. Why couldn't I get rich off of an extra-long robe that people wear backwards while laying on the couch and watching TV? Oh yeah, I only think of life-changing inventions that actually make sense.

But anyway, I was in BB&B the other day and saw one for $14.99. I had a $5 off coupon in my pocket so I thought I would buy one for Robin. She's been bothering me about getting one of these things for weeks. Well let me tell you, I don't think I'll ever regret it. For one thing, no more, "Can you change the channel for me? I'm too cold to reach the remote." or "Can you pick up my phone and see who's calling? I don't want to move my arm from under the covers." (She screens calls a lot.)

Here she is enjoying a nice book, hands-free. Look how happy she is.

As if you could top that off, I've discovered some other activities for which The Slanket can be very useful. For example, has this ever been you in those cold early hours on the golf course?


Well not anymore! Swing away in warmth!


Do you find the hard, wooden pews at church a little drafty? Not anymore! Sing the hymns of Zion with sunshine in your soul!


Do you find driving in your car a little too cold, even with its built-in heater? Not anymore! Drive through traffic in style and comfort!


Do you like to jog but hate getting bundled up in sweats, leggings, and jackets? Not anymore! Just throw on a toasty Slanket for those early-mornings runs!


Do you love playing your Wii but wish there was a way to stay warm while doing yoga AND have your hands free to hold your Wiimote? Not anymore!


You obviously wish you had your own.

Why Dogs Are Superior To Humans: An Essay

Scientists seem pretty busy these days looking for intelligent life on other planets but maybe they should be looking a little closer to home. It's pretty obvious that man's best friend, the dog, is superior to humans.

First of all, let's talk about puppies and baby humans. Dogs can walk almost immediately after birth. On the other hand, people get excited about and make home videos of their one-year-old's first steps. By this time, a dog born on the same day is running circles around that baby chump. And he can probably swim, too. Along the same lines, you can leave a puppy fenced in your kitchen all day while you're at work and it'll be fine. Don't even think about doing that with your baby or you'll have CPS on your back before you can say, "Woof!"

Next, dogs can survive on trash and toilet water. I'm not saying that I'd like to live off those things, but if times were tough, it would be nice to eat an apple core off the street or quench your thirst from the bowl if you needed to without fear of getting sick. Also, dogs aren't aren't picky eaters--they eat dog food! Plus they get so excited to finish a plate of human dinner when all you get from a kid is, "Mom, I don't like vegetables! I want ice cream!"

Another obvious dog superiority involves going to the bathroom. All a dog needs is a fire hydrant, tree, or some grass and he's good to go. A human, on the other hand, demands clean and fresh bathrooms with high ceilings, marble countertops, private stalls, and high-power flushers to do the same job. Not to mention toilet paper. Dogs are probably five times more efficient doing their business because they skip the whole toilet paper step. (And have you ever seen a dog in diapers? I don't think so.)

Next, dogs don't waste their time with trivial things like choosing an outfit in the morning. Talk about low maintenance. Just give them a bath once in a while and they're ready for a night on the town. Sure, some humans think it's cute to put a little sweater on their dog in the winter but dogs think this is stupid. They have fur! (They also beat up the dogs who wear sweaters.) Think of all the money dogs save by living every day in the nude. They're geniuses.

Another human inferiority is that they rely too much on doctors. Sure, dogs sometimes go to vets, but does your dog have more prescriptions than you do? Not a chance. Plus, why is it that dogs can give unsupervised birth to a whole litter of puppies in your home but a human can't even push out one kid without nine months' of Lemaze classes and the help of doctors and nurses at the hospital?

Finally, note how dogs get treats from humans for doing simple tasks like rolling over. When's the last time your dog gave you a treat for feeding it, giving it a bath, or buying it a new doggie bed? Or, how about the last time your dog picked up your droppings during a walk? I bet never. Your dog is owning you, humans. I could go on and on but obviously dogs have been superior to humans for quite some time now. And they can't even walk on two legs!

Cinco De Mayo!

If you're still not sure how I feel about mayo, just read THIS.

Another Festivus Miracle!

Super Wal-Mart in Marysville, WA, I have no idea why you didn't show up on my trusty Pudding Pop Locator, but I'm so glad I accidentally drove 32 miles and went inside you.

Oh Pudding Pops, how I've missed you.

Arbor Day!

And for a sweet Arbor Day poster, click HERE.

Earth Day!

Captain Planet and the Planeteers warned millions of cartoon-watching kids from 1990-1992 of the "pillaging of the planet by a largely oblivious humanity." Those kids are now adults. Could this be why people are freaking out more and more about global warming, organic food, carbon footprints, recycling, hybrid cars, and going "green" these days? I'm just saying...

So this Earth Day, remember that "the power is yours!" And to download the sweet Captain Planet eco-rap theme song, click HERE. It's tizzight.

Record Store Day!

Breaking it down.

In case you didn't know, today is the 2nd Annual Record Store Day. According to my good friend Wikipedia, it is "the one day where all the independently-owned record stores come together with artists to celebrate the art of music." Whatever, just give me some free vinyls!

Super Size Me

The first McDonald's opened today in 1955. Happy Birthday and congratulations. I'm sure we can all agree that America is healthier because of you. Or at least has better access to cheap food quickly.

Fun Facts:

• 100 billion McDonald's hamburgers have been sold. If you stacked every McDonald's hamburger sold, it would be really high.
• The Quarter Pounder With Cheese has the most calories of any McDonald's sandwich (740!) That's about the same as a small squirrel.
  
• McDonald's was sued in 1994 by a woman who was burned when she spilled their hot coffee on her lap. It was about this time that people began to hate lawyers.
• McDonald's has a Hamburger University in Elk Grove, Illinois where one can get a Bachelors of Hamburgology. Children will finally be able to grow up and make their parents proud.
• Super-Sized meals were discontinued right after the movie Super Size Me came out in 2004. McDonald's denies any connection.

Tax Day!

Uncle C-Biscuit says, "Pay your taxes. The streets around here need a lot of work!"

E. Denny Way

Dear Cadbury,

Thank you for producing your delicious Cadbury Creme Eggs in the original size this year. They are such a wonderful Easter treat.

Last year's smaller eggs were very disappointing. And even more disappointing was how you tried to trick us on the FAQ section of your website:

Oh really? How do you explain this:

Why would you lie to us? We all knew the eggs were smaller, even if a whole year had passed since the last time we enjoyed the delicious, creamy, gooey goodness that is a Cadbury Creme Egg. You thought you took us for chumps until BJ Novak from The Office exposed your little conspiracy on Conan O'Brien:

(Also, thank you BJ Novak for saying you stock up on candy the day after Easter for 50% off. Now maybe Robin won't get so mad when I come home with 15 12oz. bags of Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs from Target like I did last year.)

So Cadbury, thank you for going back to the delicious original-size Creme Eggs again. And please don't screw with us anymore. Happy Easter!

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Hole-In-Two

Seattle's Jackson Park, Hole 13, 175 yards, 5 iron.

Obviously I am ready for The Masters.

Conference Report

What a great Conference! I could go on about the wonderful talks we heard, but instead here are some screen captures of some of Conference's lighter moments.


Elder Didier, the comb-over NEVER works!

Hey Young Men General Presidency, why were you holding hands while
you got released?

MoTab, are you telling me you don't have all the hymns memorized?

Behold, the three-armed organist!!!

Oops!!! Nice work, Daily Universe.

And for previous Conference commentary click HERE and HERE.

We're Expecting!

Yes, that's right. After months of people asking us when we're going to have kids, we can finally announce that we are having...TRIPLETS!!!

Here's an artist's rendition of what they will look like:

I can just imagine people walking up to us in the mall when the little guys are in the special triplet stroller and tell us how beautiful our babies are.

But unfortunately for Robin here's what she will look like:


Yikes! (My camera is messed up and keeps adding the letters "TMZ" to photos)

Obviously Oh Pepper? will soon become a blog devoted to only our future little angels. You can expect to find photos of the same baby shot from multiple angles, home videos of exciting events like laughing and walking, and riveting stories about the triplets' every move in no time.

Fetcher Of The Week Award

And this week it goes to...

Here's why:

PH: Hello, Pizza Hut, can I take your order?
Me: Hi, I'd like to do your three one-topping mediums for $5 each deal, please.
PH: Okay sir, what toppings would you like?
Me: One cheese, one pepperoni, and I'd like to use my unused topping from the cheese pizza for the third--I'd like green peppers and onions.
PH: Sorry sir, it doesn't work that way.
Me: What do you mean?
PH: You can't use that topping towards another pizza.
Me: Why not? I'm paying for three toppings. Why can't I use none on one and two on another?
PH: The cheese pizza counts as one topping.
Me: What? How can the cheese count as a topping? Pizza already comes with cheese. That's what pizza is.
PH: I understand your frustration, sir. I know it doesn't really make sense but that's how it works.
Me: So you're saying my pepperoni pizza counts as two toppings then?
PH: No sir, that's one topping.
Me: But that's pepperoni AND cheese. You already said the cheese is one topping.
PH: I'm sorry sir. Do you want to make an order?
Me: Yes, I'd like one pepperoni, one cheese, and one green pepper and onion, but I don't want to pay extra.
PH: I'm sorry sir. You can add an extra topping for $1.65 if you want.
Me: I'm going to Domino's. Goodbye.

Parenting Lesson #4

When your daughter comes home and tells you a boy at school said she has cooties, just show her this picture:

Then say, "Would you rather have cooties or be the ugliest dog in the world like this freak? Now go outside and play." After you've successfully put things in perspective, lean back and say to yourself, "How did I become such an amazing parent?"

See also: Parenting Lesson #1, Parenting Lesson #2, Parenting Lesson #3

$ Free Ninety Nine

(Our fridge)

Would you buy a bottle of orange juice with the label missing? How about if it were fresh-squeezed Simply Orange (style unknown) with coupons stuck to it because it was unlabeled?

I would. And I did for $3.99. Especially when the coupons added up to $4.50 and the cashier handed me $.51 in change. Thank you Safeway for paying me to buy your Simply Orange orange juice. It was delicious.

St. Patrick's Day!

I enjoy a holiday as much as the next guy, but St. Patrick's Day is one of those fake man-made holidays. You know, like Valentine's Day or United Nations Day. So I don't get too excited, especially because I'm not Irish, I don't get drunk, and I don't have a pot of gold. But last year I realized an amazing movie that plays on cable every St. Patrick's Day has given me something to look forward to. That's right, it's time again to watch Leprechaun. (Not to mention Leprechaun 2, 3, and Leprechaun 4: In Space.)

If you have nothing to do, or even if you have something very important to do, I recommend checking out the Sci-Fi channel today between 12-2 pm. You won't be disappointed. Leprechaun is one of those movies that should be on the Best Worst Movies Ever list. It has a horrible storyline, horrible special effects, horrible acting, Jennifer Aniston (oh wait, I already mentioned horrible acting,) and a little person (Willow!) as the deadly leprechaun who is obsessed with recovering his stolen gold from simple country folk. Other memorable moments: a painting company called "3 Guys That Paint," a retarded fat guy who sees the leprechaun first but can't get anyone to believe him, the same retarded fat guy who wants to use the leprechaun's stolen gold to get himself an operation and make him "smart," the leprechaun riding a tricycle into town, the leprechaun pogo-sticking an antiques dealer to death, and the leprechaun imitating a child's voice to sing "Ring Around The Posies." It's so bad it's good. For some weird reason it only got 30% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I think that's just another example of the biased left wing media at work. And if I haven't sold you yet, just watch this trailer and tell me this doesn't do it for you:

Pi Day!

C-Biscuit says:

Why I Wish I Still Lived In Utah

Stop, collaborate, and listen. No, I'm not talking about the Nickelcade, Fat Cats, or the Jazz. I'm talking about THIS amazing reunion concert straight out of 1991:

It looks like I left Utah five years early. Maybe next time, Stanley Burrell and Robert Van Winkle.

I'm A Barbie Girl

Barbie was born 50 years ago but maybe you didn't know this about her:

• Full name: Barbara Millicent Roberts.
• Human Dimensions: 39-18-33, 5'6", and 110 pounds.
• Barbie is made from polyvinylchloride.
  
• She and Ken broke up in 2004 but are now back together.
• She has six siblings: Skipper, Tutti, Todd, Stacie, Kelly, Krissy.
• Some of the phrases that Teen Talk Barbie said were, "Math class is tough!", "Will we ever have enough clothes?", and "I love shopping!"
• Slumber Party Barbie came with a book entitled How To Lose Weight which advised, "Don't eat."
• President Barbie ran in 2000 with a platform promoting opportunities for girls, educational excellence, and animal rights.
• Barbie's first pet was a horse named Dancer.
• The first Barbie sold for $3.00 and now sells for $10,000.
  
• July 27 is National Barbie In A Blender Day.
  

Note: This information is from various unverified websites so please don't quote Oh, Pepper? for research papers, homework assignments, books, or other important documents requiring citation.

Bad Day

I was having a bad day today. Until I ordered this CD:



Now I'm on the top of the world!

Brigham Beard

Last month Utah beat BYU 94-88 in overtime. On Saturday BYU won 63-50. What was the difference, you ask? Home court advantage? Superior play? The Word of Wisdom?

Obviously, my Brigham Beard.

Go Cougars!

Questions

Why are Wendy's hamburgers square?

Why do 10-second ringtones cost $1.99
when full songs on iTunes cost $.99?

Why do people pay $2 for a bottle of Aquafina
or Dasani when it's actually just tap water?

Why is the small size at Starbucks called Tall?

Why does that Billy Mays get so excited
about Oxiclean?

Why is Chicken Of The Sea actually tuna?

Would a goofy-looking chump like Luke Russert
have gotten internships with PTI and Late Night
With Conan O'Brien and a correspondent job with
MSNBC if his dad weren't the late Tim Russert?

Does Windex really clean/sanitize tanning
booths and gym equipment?

Why don't the iPod headphones fit in my ears?

Does whitening toothpaste really do anything?

Does the third Manning brother feel like a loser?

How come no matter what movie you see him in,
Forest Whittaker looks the same age?

Do people really mistake DiGiorno
pizza for "delivery"?

Why do marching bands still perform at
halftime of college football games?

Does Dick Vitale know that his voice is
grating and annoying?

Why isn't it socially acceptable to use song and dance to tell a
story or make a point in real life, but it is in musicals?

Have people realized yet that all John Grisham
novels have the same plot?

Do you know anyone who has actually
watched a WNBA game start to finish?

Do you know anyone who has seen a friend's
engagement ring and exclaimed, "He went to Jared?!"

Long Lost Cousin?

And to think he's been in Seattle all this time!

Dear Rocky,

I think your marriage proposal to Adrian in Rocky II is the greatest marriage proposal ever. Maybe you forgot what you said, so here it is again:



How can anyone argue with that? First of all, you were direct and to the point.

Rocky: “You know, I was wondering like...what do you think you’re doing for like the next, uh, 40-50 years?"
Adrian: "What do you mean?"
Rocky: "I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind marrying me very much.”
Adrian: "What'cha say?"
Rocky: "If you wouldn't mind marrying me too much?"
Adrian: "Yes. I'd like to marry you."
Rocky: "Yeah?"
Adrian: "Yes."

Obviously you know it's always best to be straight forward with girls. Just spit it out and wait for the answer. Next, you were nervous and stumbled on your words. Girls love it when you're nervous and have sweaty palms. It makes them feel good. Girls also love commitment and you showed you were committed by first asking Adrian what she was doing for the next 40-50 years. So many marriages these days end too quickly so it can be very reassuring for a girl to know you're in it for the long haul.

You used the element of surprise. Do you think Adrian had any idea when she walked into that zoo in the snow, that you were going to propose? No way. Also, snow is always romantic. Girls are always cold, but they love snow and think it's romantic. And it's refreshing to see someone not bring a ring or flowers or kneel on the ground to propose. That stuff is overrated and cliche, like buying your girlfriend/wife flowers and chocolate on Valentine's Day. How obvious.

Marriage proposals are always better with a tiger in the background. Which wild animal would you rather have around? I can't think of one. And to top it off, you announced to the tiger that you were getting married and invited it to the wedding. You just know that people would see the wedding pictures later and say, "Oh, I remember that tiger. He was cool."

You were wearing a jacket with no shirt underneath. Girls love seeing chest hair. Most will tell you, "The more, the better." Obviously you knew this, and used this to your advantage, even though it was winter. Then when Adrian said she would marry you, you promised that you wouldn't leave any hair in the sink. Girls love that kind of stuff. They might love chest hair, but they hate chest hair in the sink. You should always make promises like this before you get married. They'll eat it up in the moment and forget you mentioned it later in life. You can't lose.

Rocky, you may have gotten your head pounded in by Apollo, Mr. T, and Drago, and had only a 9th-grade education, but you're a genius.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Presidents Day!

L to R: Bush 41, Obama, Me, Clinton, Carter

I celebrated Presidents Day by getting together with all the former presidents for lunch and conversation at the White House. (We made Carter stand off to the side because we all think he's kind of a chump.) I thought it would be a great way to network and find a job, but all Clinton wanted to do was talk about the dates he brought back to the Oval Office.

Valentine's Day!

Seattle Sounders Tryouts

Seattle is getting a new MLS team! It was a bad year for Seattle sports, so we can only hope that things will be different for our first-year soccer team. And with tryouts open to the public, I'm sure just that will happen.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it to the tryouts in person (busy with retirement), but I sent in this highlight video of me from 1989-1990. I'm sure the Sounders will be calling me soon.

I don't know about you but I get chills every time I watch that. Yaj, this video is dedicated to you.

National Canned Soup Month!

Retirement has been great but when Campbell's recently offered me a modeling job for their National Canned Soup Month campaign, I just couldn't pass it up.

Groundhog Day!

Skymall: Second Leg

Oh Skymall, what would we do without you? You sell such useful, everyday items at unbeatable prices. I'm sure you are flourishing in this tanking economy! Lucky for me, I just flew across the country in an airplane so you know what that means--access to the latest edition of Skymall magazine!!!

Portable Desk: $39.99
If I'm anything like the rest of you I find myself needing to walk and type on my computer simultaneously all the time. And now Skymall has provided me a simple way to do just that. Now when I need to make that last-second bid on eBay to buy some new friends, no need to wait to get home--I can log on and click "Bid" as I stroll down the street.

"Will you be my friend?"

Square Root Watch: $39.95
Watches were invented so you could quickly look at your wrist and know what time it is. But what if you suck at solving square roots in your head?

Flair Hair Visor: $24.99
Before we go into the Flair Hair Visor, I should say that I don't even like regular visors that much. But if I were to use one, why would I choose one that had fake spiked hair glued into it? Here's what Skymall says: "Instantly give yourself a head-turning new 'do and amuse friends-- and strangers! Shield your face at the game and outdoor events in this fun visor with a brown, gray or blonde shock of hair up top, and enjoy the grins and giggles of those you encounter." Giggles or punches in the face?

"Hi, I'm a loser. And this isn't really my hair."

Pup Step Plus: $39.99
For only $39.99 the family dog and his fur, dirt, fleas, dander, and odor have easy access to your nice clean sheets. Why didn't someone think of this sooner?

Indoor Dog Restroom: $149.95
Dog owners everywhere will be saying, "Here Fido, take a dump in my living room on your Indoor Dog Restroom. It won't smell or have to be cleaned up later, so I don't mind." Until they realize that taking a dump on the Indoor Dog Restroom is just like taking a dump on your carpet and that making your dog take a dump outside will always be a better option.

"Master, clean up my droppings!"

Booster Bath: $179.99
Dogs love baths so I'm sure you'll have no problem getting yours to jump 4' into an elevated tub full of soapy water. I say for $179.99 just buy a new dog when yours gets dirty.

Truck Antlers: $24.99
The perfect way to tell drivers everywhere, "Hey, I'm white trash."

The Slanket: $44.99
First of all, if you're cold they have these things called coats you can wear. Also, the Slanket appears to simply be a robe worn backwards. But, I also love how the demostration photo was taken at Fenway Park. I'm sure those Bostonians were very accepting of this guy wearing his Slanket to the Red Sox game.

Dream Sack: $54.95
According to the description: "DreamSack will encourage a better night's sleep anywhere...at home, or in a far corner of the world." If you're at home, how would a rolled-up blanket encourage a better night's sleep than your own bed? And don't they have beds in far corners of the world?

Pet Wheel-Away: $119.95
Again, isn't the point of walking your dog so that he gets some exercise? Also, I think this dog looks really scared in his Pet Wheel-Away.

Harry Pottery wand: $35.00
Here's the thing, nerds: a magic wand isn't going to help you with the school bullies, even if it did belong to a fictional wizard in a hit movie. But I can't wait for the You Tube video to be posted when one of you tries.

In Utero Stereo: $99.95
Because studies have shown that babies love music while they're in the womb. Spending $99.95 is a much better idea than standing next to your boombox, so you should definitely buy this.

Singing and Talking Elvis Head: $199.95
So, I've been trying to think of where in your house this wouldn't be creepy. Front landing? Creepy. Living room? Creepy. Bathroom? Very creepy. Bedroom? Definitely creepy. Basically this will be creepy everywhere. And unnecessary. And a rip-off.

World's Largest Write-on Map: $149.95

Now we know where the MTC got it!

Chinese New Year!

Mustaches and Salmonella

I just had an interview for a job that sounded really good in the ad, but not so much during the interview. I shaved off this amazing mustache for that?

Also, this hasn't been the best week for another reason: I think I have three of the eight symptoms of this peanut butter salmonella outbreak that's going around. Some BAD things are happening to my body that I won't get into here.

Inauguration Day!

Like thousands of others, I was able to go to the Presidential Inauguration today in Washington, D.C. I got there real early so I could get a good seat. As you can see, I had a great view and even got to ask the new President a couple of questions. (I also tried to correct his little mishap during the oath but he wouldn't listen.) Let's just hope he takes my advice on the family dog as his first order of business.

WebMD

I recently wrote to WebMD with a question. They were a little harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. Here is the response, cut and pasted from their website:

And for great medical advice on prescription medications, click here.

Ski Bum

Ah, winter, what an amazing time of the year. I'll always be reminded of this week a few years ago when I moved to Utah to be a ski bum for a semester. Sometimes life gives you two choices: keep working at a dead-end job or move in with your old college roommates and learn how to ski in the rocky mountains. Obviously I chose ski bumming. Here's why:

You can wear amazing outfits every day like this:


You can get published in prestigious newspapers like this:


You can accidentally go to a prom with girls like this:


You can get amazing face tans like this:

What's wrong with my face???

You can ski with Hollywood celebrities like this:

Did you know Bob (you probably know him as Robert Redford) was so short???

You can take road trips to Vegas and break the bank like this:

What's wrong with my face???

If you ever have a chance to ski bum for a semester, I definitely recommend it.

Parenting Lesson #3

When your daughter won't go to school because she's having a bad hair day, show her this picture:

Then say, "Talk to me when you've sprouted furry wings out of your back. Now get your butt to school." She'll be in home room before you know it.

See also: Parenting Lesson #1, Parenting Lesson #2

National Hot Tea Month!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! Just right click and save to get your copy of the hottest calendar of the year.

National Bingo Month!

B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!

Merry Christmas!

Well, it's that time of year again when people jack up their electric bills to look like morons. You know what I mean. How did Christmas turn into this:

I guess we'll never know for sure. Now this is more like it:

And here's a little ditty to bring you some Christmas cheer:



If you can't feel the Christmas spirit now, I don't know what's wrong with you.

Critter Motel

A while ago I told you about the Cat House behind our building. The story goes like this: our landlord, Francie, decided to donate her dead pet's house to the commons area behind our building. I asked her why there was a cat house back there and she explained to me that it is a place for animals to stay in for the night as they are passing through. A sort of critter motel, if you will. I had never heard of such a thing, but I didn't question her. You just don't question Francie, or you will be stuck talking for another ten minutes. After all this time, I've never seen any animals stay in the Critter Motel. Is it possible the wild animals don't realize Francie built the Critter Motel for them?

Anyway, we have 12" of snow. We haven't driven anywhere for 6 days, the buses aren't running, and no one is going to work. And I've gone skiing down our street three days in a row. It's been a great way to spend my retirement. Here I am doing a little night skiing:


Yesterday I noticed Francie shoveling a path to the dumpsters in our parking lot. "How kind of her," I thought. "A little unnecessary, but very thoughtful."


Later I noticed that she also shoveled a pathway to the Critter Motel and cleared an opening by the front door. At least now the wild animals would know it's open for business should they need a place to stay for the night.


Last night I saw a very nice family of raccoons rummaging for food around the dumpsters. So I opened the window and let them know there was a vacancy in the Critter Motel.


All along I've been skeptical of Francie's Critter Motel but the crazy thing is, I think the raccoons actually stopped by the Critter Motel last night.


Francie, you were right all along. I'll never doubt the Critter Motel again.

Snow Day!

Retirement + 5" of snow =

(Thanks to Warren Miller for this footage.)

My Buddy + skiing = scared.


Skiing + Denny Way = fun.


Walking + Denny Way = not fun.


My Buddy + snow angels = fun.


My Buddy + snow = cold.

Dear Governor Blagojevich,

I hear you are in a lot of hot water. The news says you will probably be ousted as governor, you might go to jail, and your wife has a potty mouth. Good luck with all that. But I want to thank you. Thank you for showing us that someone with a last name that no one can pronounce and ends in "ICH" can make it in this world.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Retirement!

Well, today is my last day here at Microsoft. I am now officially retiring! I look forward to staying in bed after Robin leaves for work, watching my soaps, and qualifying for the PGA Tour. But Microsoft, I will say that I'll miss this: all the free soda, juice, and chocolate milk you can drink! (And the paychecks.)

To show you how I reached the end of my career, here's some of my work history over the years.

Everything Yogurt, 1994-1995. I don't think this place even exists anymore. This was my first job besides mowing lawns and I worked there my entire Junior year of high school. I was amazing at pouring that yogurt into a cone. Even now when I eat at crappy buffet places with self-serve frozen yogurt, I wow the patrons around me. The job ended when I showed up for work one day during the summer before my Senior year and the doors were boarded up. Apparently there was a health code violation and they closed us down. This was no surprise to me (there was a huge family of roaches in the grease trap in the back and plus the yogurt was moldy sometimes.) But anyway, it taught me some great lessons on leadership (I was an assistant manager at age 16.)

The only picture I have of me working at EY is this one from my high
school yearbook. I love the caption they wrote: "Anyone who worked
learned that giving correct change is important." So true, so true.

Next was Best Buy, 1995-1996. My friend Ben and I worked here during my Senior year. Basically we were in charge of the music, movies, and video game section and the managers loved us. To put things in perspective, back then you could still buy cassette tapes, DVDs didn't exist, and the first Playstation wasn't out yet (but we had a sweet demo kiosk of the Super Nintendo.) This job was okay, but all my paychecks went to buying stuff with my employee discount. Ben and I worked in the warehouse a lot, especially when getting ready for New Release Tuesdays. We heard stories and learned words we never knew existed from those warehouse guys. One of my favorite Best Buy stories happened one night when Ben was in the warehouse waiting for me to return from stocking the shelves with CDs. He got up on a big shelf above the swinging warehouse entrance doors. He was going to drop an opened refrigerator box on me as I walked in to trap me inside, but the manager Steve walked in instead. He looked up and caught Ben red-handed. On a side note, apparently one of our co-workers is still there. Ben noticed him there over Thanksgiving.

Best Buy #297 in Reston, VA, 12 years after I worked there.

Mail Boxes Etc. was my next job, 1996-1997. I really hated this place. I dreaded going to work every day. Basically we weren't very busy and I only made $6-something an hour. And I wasn't even allowed to do crossword puzzles to pass the time. What a joke. Plus I had to wear a goofy uniform and stand on my feet the whole time. The assistant manager was this 50-year-old chain smoking hick named Rose. Her boyfriend didn't pay her enough attention so she started sending herself flowers and stuff from a "secret admirer" to make him jealous. So one day I sent a fax from the office computer with a love note from her "secret admirer." She flipped out and thought someone was stalking her. Sucker.

Here's a MBE I found in Teramo, Italy. I wonder if the employees
were allowed to do crossword puzzles when things were slow there.

Then after my mission to Italy I had a couple of jobs in college. My favorite was teaching Italian at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, 2000-2002. One of my favorite stories at the MTC happened when we would take walks around the campus during a break from class. We would usually pass 10 or 20 other classes doing the same thing, all learning different languages. The MTC is big on practicing your language wherever you go, so I'd have the class say, "Ciao brutti" and wave to the other classes as we walked by. We were saying, "Hello, uglies" but of course they thought we were just being friendly. They would smile and wave back every time. The other great part was eating in the cafeteria after class. $3 for all you can eat. What a deal.

I guess I was really tired this day.


One of our break walks. "Carry your King, minions!" Those
missionaries will do anything you tell them.


I don't know why I jumped in these leaves during a walk but the class loved it.


Here I am in action. As you can see, I was an
amazing teacher. But do I have a big head?

My other college job was serving at Tony Roma's Restaurant, 2000-2003. In case you don't know, it's a place for ribs. This was an okay job--I made good money and it was pretty fun, except for the times you got cussed out by drunk people (in Provo???) because you wouldn't bring them any more beer or when you got a table of "tithing tippers" (people who left only 10%). One of my favorites stories centered around an appetizer called "Potato Skins." As you can guess from its name, these were baked potatoes, scooped-out so all that remained were the skins, which were then stuffed with cheese, bacon, and chives. Well, one night this lady wanted some Potato Skins, only without the skins. I explained to her that without the skins, there would only be cheese, bacon, and chives but she just didn't understand. She must have gone to UVSC or the U. Some of our more famous patrons while I was there: Utah Governor Mike Leavitt, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Elder David A. Bednar, and a number of BYU football players.

Here is the very last table I served. I have no idea who they are but they were
excited to pose in this picture with me. You can also see me demonstrating one
of the first rules of serving: Always pour drinks over the floor, never over the table.

Bring on the golden parachute!

Dear Congress,

I've heard you are thinking about bailing out the Big Three automakers with $25 $34 billion in aid. Here are eight reasons why you shouldn't:

1. Pontiac Aztek: The ugliest car in the history of cars. Whenever I see someone who owns this car, I stop them and ask why they decided to purchase it. The most common answer: the dealer paid me to take it off the lot.


2. Dodge Magnum: If I wanted a station wagon I would have bought one in the '80s.


3. Chevy Lumina: I remember hating this car when it came out in the '90s. Come to think of it, I still do.


4. Chevy HHR: Looks like a cheap knockoff of the PT Cruiser. But why would you want to copy a car like that?


5. Chrysler PT Cruiser: See what I mean?

6. Chevy Avalanche: Buy a car or buy a truck, but not this ugly piece of junk.


6. Ford Flex: Looks like a larger version of the Scion Xb. And that's not a good thing.


8. Subaru Baja: This is a Subaru but what if the Big Three try to copy it?


Is it any surprise that Ford, Chevy, and Chrysler are going under? Even Xzibit couldn't pimp these rides so I don't know why you think your billions of dollars would help. If you really want to use that bailout money and do some good in these tough economic times, how about 140 large to pay off my student loans?

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Plaxico

If you are following the recent story of troubled New York Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, you probably have many questions:

Is the poor guy okay?
How did he accidentally shoot himself in his own leg?
Why did he need a gun to go clubbing?
Why was he packing heat without a concealed weapons permit?
How long will he be suspended?
Is his career over?
Will he go to jail?

But why isn't anyone asking this:

His name is Plaxico?

Black Friday

Summary of the day:

Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV: $798

Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum: $28
Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera: $69
"The Incredible Hulk" DVD: $9
That shoppers cared so much about these sale prices on Black Friday they trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death when the store opened at 5am: Priceless Surprising?

Quote of the day:

"When [Wal-Mart employees] were saying [the customers] had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, 'I've been in line since yesterday morning!'" [the witness] said. "They kept shopping."

Question of the day:

Why do people wait outside in the cold all night to buy a $9 DVD when they could be in their warm beds dreaming about eating leftover turkey and biscuits?

Thanksgiving!

Click here for more amazing Thanksgiving photos.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! As I sit back and contemplate all the blessings I have, here's what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. Biscuits
2. Biscuits with gravy
3. Biscuits with butter and honey
4. Biscuits with homemade jam
5. Biscuits with ice cream
6. Biscuits with maple syrup
7. Biscuits with eggs and bacon
8. Biscuit pizza
9. Biscuit root beer floats
10. Biscuit hoagies
11. Biscuit grilled cheese
12. Biscuit pot pie
13. Biscuit paninis
14. Biscuit pasta
15. Biscuit soup
16. Biscuits with NO mayo

The Parable of the Naughty Horse

I recently read the wonderful book, Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs. I found it very educational and full of symbolism. But instead of me talking about it, you should read it for yourself:

If the author's subtle and profound writing doesn't convince you to not do drugs, maybe you should consider the fact that she's a co-inventor:

Also definitely worth reading: The Amazon.com Customer Reviews.

National Beard Month!

Sources say it's National Beard Month. How about a little beard story to get things started off?

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asks once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face, and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

Yikes! I hope not everyone who has a beard has been in such a prickly situation.

So how do you celebrate National Beard Month? I don't know but I thought I'd register a beard with the National Beard Registry. I grew one during the entire month of October but unfortunately, they cropped out my pirate hat, those fetchers.

Maybe next year someone could buy me this shirt to wear during National Beard Month (size Medium.)

Reading Rainbow

The other day I was reading a book to a young child while doing my weekly volunteer service time with at-risk youth.

It was a pretty straightforward book that shows kids how baby farms animals grow up to be big farm animals:

You get the idea. Until this:

What?!?!

SAT Deja Vu

According to the College Board, "The SAT Reasoning Test is a measure of the critical thinking skills you'll need for academic success in college. The SAT assesses how well you analyze and solve problems—skills you learned in school that you'll need in college. The SAT is typically taken by high school juniors and seniors."

So I decided to conduct an experiment. Would I score higher on the SAT after becoming fluent in another language, graduating from college, graduating from law school, and passing the bar exam, than I did before accomplishing all those things? The first time around back in 1995 I scored 1170--not great but somehow good enough to get into BYU. It must have been the fact that I was the captain of the football, basketball, and soccer teams in high school.

To prepare I tried to recreate my original experience as best I could so, like in high school, I didn't really study for it. I started saying, "Like," "Um," and other one syllable words more often when people asked me questions. I bought some flannel shirts at Salvation Army. I shaved so there was no sign of my facial hair except for some stray neck whiskers. I carried around a Discman wherever I went. And I would have had my friend's mom drive me to the test and stop at Burger King for lunch afterwards, but I think she still lives in Virginia.

Here I am before entering the school. Wish me luck!


Some of the other kids stared a little but once I started texting on my phone like crazy and talking about my Myspace page they weren't suspicious any more. Anyway, here's how I did:

So, I got 1320, a 150 point improvement! I guess the thousands of dollars I paid towards my college and graduate education and 13 extra years of life experience really did make a difference. Too bad you can't do those things before taking the SAT.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

I have some questions about Alvin and the Chipmunks. And I don't mean that computer animated crap in the movie theaters last year. I mean the cartoon series that was on TV after school when I was a kid. Let's get to it:

• Why were Alvin and his brothers so much bigger than wild chipmunks? And how could they talk like the human kids if they were chipmunks?
  
  
• Were their voices going to always be squeaky? Or would they hit chipmunk puberty one day?
  
  
• Can chipmunks be domesticated in real life? Would they let you dress them up in cute little extra long t-shirts?
  
  
• Why did Alvin, Simon, and Theodore wear long t-shirts, and that's it? Did they wear the same long t-shirts day after day, or did they have a bunch of the exact same shirt? Why were Alvin's initials on his shirt? Did they realize the other kids at school dressed differently? If they were chipmunks, why did they wear any clothes at all?
  
  
• How come Alvin always went after human girls? Didn't he know it would be impossible for different species to marry and procreate?
  
  
• How did Dave have such a big house if he was a struggling musician? And why did the Chipmunks have to share a bedroom if the house was so big?
  
  
• How did they learn to play musical instruments at such a young age? Are chipmunks normally musically adept?
  
  
• Why was Alvin always scheming to make money if he was in such a famous and successful band? And why didn't Dave exploit the Chipmunks like most other child stars these days?
  
  
• Did the Chipmunks know that Dave was a human and that they were chipmunks? Or did they think they were humans, like dogs do when they're with their masters?
  
  
• How big were their chipmunk parents? What happened to their chipmunk parents? Was their mom forced to give them up for adoption because of an abusive relationship? If so, why did she choose a human adoption program over a chipmunk one? And how did she know Alvin, Simon, and Theodore would grow to be bigger than normal chipmunks and fit in with human society?
  
  
• If you're not supposed to feed human food to wild animals like deer, why was it okay for the Chipmunks to eat pancakes and such?

Please, if you know the answer to any of the above questions, feel free to leave a comment. We may never know the answers to all of these questions, but until then, Dooh-dooh-do-do-do-do-dooh!

Slow Dance Connection

This flier has been up in the kitchen at work for quite some time now. I am thinking about signing up Robin and me. If you are interested you better email me ASAP. I don't think those phone number tabs are going to last.

Election Day!

Is it just me or is it hard to get excited about Election Day when you live in a non-swing state? My solution: spite votes. Let me explain. Basically, spite votes are anti-votes. Instead of voting for the candidate of your choice, you would vote against the candidate of your choice. You would essentially be eliminating the vote of another person. And to make it even better, you could specify which person's vote you want to eliminate and then they would get an email or text message saying,

"Dear Voter,

Thank you for voting in this year's election. We appreciate your participation in the voting process. Unfortunately, ______'s spite vote has eliminated your vote. Your vote no longer exists. This was performed out of spite.

Sincerely,
The Election Committee"

Sounds pretty amazing to me. And I don't know about you but despite the 46 email forwards I've received telling me to not vote for B to the O, I'm not very impressed with either candidate. (My other favorite unsolicited online experience: when people put lame music like Jack Johnson on their blog that starts blasting the minute I enter their site.) Is this really the best you can offer us, America? So, this year I'm looking outside the two-party system to a couple of running mates I know I can trust. Here I am after fulfilling my patriotic duty today:

(RIP amazing Mario-stache)

And in case you're wondering why I'm voting for Mario and Luigi, here are ten great reasons:

1. Plumbers are used to cleaning up messes.

2. They're Italian so you know they have international experience.

3. They don't take crap from people who are bigger than them.

4. Even when things don't go according to plan, they don't give up.

5. They're very generous with their money--every time they get $100 they just give it right back and start over.

6. They can hold their breath for a really long time.

7. They can fly.

8. They can throw fire!

9. The older they get, the better they look.

10. If something were to mysteriously happen to Mario, Luigi could seamlessly step right in for him.

Find me another set of running mates who can do all of this! This might just be the change everyone is looking for. Mario and Luigi forever!

Halloween!

Happy Halloween from Mario and the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom!

Spamalot

Do you ever read the subject lines of your spams? You know, like the ones that promise to herbally enhance certain body parts for $19.99 (plus shipping.) Usually I just delete them without even looking, but I recently realized that sometimes there is some really good stuff in my spam folder:

• No class, no exam, buy yourself world recognized university/degree/diploma/bacheloor (sic)/masters. (How will they spell "Bachelor" on your diploma?)


• $14,000,000 US dollar business proposal if you are interested reply me? (Very interested.)


• Caves are the new cool place to live. (What was the old cool place to live?)


• Stop being frustrated in bed. (I assume they are talking about when you can't fall asleep at night, that's the worst)


• Do not lose your love because of bad potence! (Bad potence is the worst!)


• Hello, I found your name on the dating site. (Which one?)
  
  
• It's Breanne. Do not ignore me please. I found your email somewhere and now decided to write you. (Anything for you, Breanne.)
  


• Are you snoring yourself to death? (If they said sleepwalking I'd be interested.)


• Start believing in wonders, be young and attractive again. (Do-n't stop belie-vin'!)


• 1000 singles ladies from Russia are online now, have interest? (Much interest.)


• Make your fat friends envy you. (They already do, those fatties.)


• Triple strength fat eraser. (Perfect for my fat, envious friends.)


• Top women problems and ways to solve them. (Can we solve this: why don't they like watching sports for hours at a time?)


• Britney shoots down American spy satellite with her v_____. (I bet the CIA didn't see that one coming.)


• Britney sues v_____ for divorce. (Can you do that?)


• Pope Benedict to exorcise George Bush and Britney Spears on US visit. (At Yankee Stadium?)


• Britney is to be sold on eBay. (Maybe I'll bid for spite.)


• World's Muslims reject Britney's conversion to Islam.


• McCain chooses Paris Hilton to be running mate. (Vital to courting the hoochie mama vote.)


• Paris Hilton gives confusing news conference.


• Paris Hilton becomes Mormon--marries Paparazzi. (???)


• Lottery winners outraged at Paris Hilton's preferential treatment. (I totally understand.)


• Paris Hilton to invade Rwanda. (She ran out of guys in America?)


• Paris Hilton files for patent on "That's hot." (Thanks to $80,000 of law school tuition I know it would actually be a copyright.)


• Paris Hilton: I will give my body to the winner of the French Open. (But how will she feel about Nadal's capri pants?)

United Nations Day!

According to Wikipedia, "United Nations Day is devoted to making known to peoples of the world the aims and achievements of the United Nations Organization." So when I met Kofi Annan a few years ago, I asked him what those aims and achievements are. I then transcribed our conversation to these thought bubbles:

Ah, much better. Thanks Kofi.

Parenting Lesson #2

When your kid comes home from school upset for being called "Four Eyes" because of her new glasses, show her this picture:

Then say, "Well, it's better than being called 'Four Ears' like this freak. At least you can take yours off." Sometimes logic is more important than sensitivity when dealing with small children.


See also: Parenting Lesson #1

Serres Farm Pumpkin Patch With My Buddy

Last weekend My Buddy and I went to the pumpkin patch that we visit together every autumn. He loves how the leaves change this time of year. I love the crisp fall air. It was just a beautiful day.

He helped me choose just the right pumpkin to carve for Halloween.



He ain't heavy, he's my armadillo.


And like always, he got lost again. That little rascal!


Of course we made some time to goof off together. What a character!


And since he was so good, I let him pick some corn--his favorite.


All in all we had a great time together at the pumpkin patch this year. It just goes to show everything is more fun with an armadillo.

Columbus Day!

Click here for last year's post on Columbus Day.

Business As Usual

This is my old roommate, Nate. Today is his birthday. Happy Birthday, Nate. He is a great guy but a few months ago I became very concerned about my dear friend. Read on, and you'll see why.

I think we all know Exodus 20:8: "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." But maybe you haven't read this illuminating paragraph from President Spencer W. Kimball's landmark book, The Miracle of Forgiveness:

"We have become a world of Sabbath breakers. On the Sabbath the lakes are full of boats, the beaches are crowded, the shows have their best attendance, the golf links are dotted with players. The Sabbath is the preferred day for rodeos, conventions, family picnics; and ball games are played on the sacred day. 'Business as usual' is the slogan for many, and our holy day has become a holiday. And because so many people treat the day as a holiday numerous others cater to the wants of the fun-lovers and money-makers."

This past May 11 (Sunday) after I returned from my uplifting and spiritual meetings at church, I turned on the TV to find a conference talk on BYU-TV. Unintentionally I happened upon the Lakers-Jazz playoff game being played in Salt Lake City. "How disgusting," I thought. "All those people breaking the Sabbath. President Kimball was right."

Then I noticed a familiar face in the crowd:

I was shocked! Was that Nate at the game?!?! I didn't want to believe it, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But later I got a closer look:

That was him alright:

And he wasn't even wearing his church clothes! I, of course, always keep the Sabbath. I would never go to a Jazz game on Sunday. Nor have I ever gone to a Redskins game, left church early to see Phil Mickelson win the Masters, or purchased Mario Kart Wii on Sunday.

So Nate, what do you have to say for yourself? What's next? Leaving church early to hold a Super Bowl party for all of your old college roommates and buying ice at Chevron on the way? I guess Sunday is just "business as usual" for you. I hope you reconsider your rationalizing ways before it grows too late.

Let us all pray for Nate. And vote on the poll.

Poll Results as of 10/18:

Dear PETA,

I use dto think you were a bucnh fo freaks but now i need your help!

Last nite i turned on hte news and i gess it was a sepcial report becuase Amy Poehler was doing the Weekend UPdate on thursday. "what a nice yougn lady," i thougth. "And her hudband wasso funny in Arrested Dvelopment." but my enthusism quikly turned to feer and horror when i saw this segmint:

why does she be hatin' armadillos? Pleese do something! forget about saving teh cows who give thier milk to make icecream--thye can allways make more. (plus, who besides babees woud ever eet the breast milk icecream you ave proposed?)

Save teh armadillos frum evli news anchers like Amy Poeler so we can liv are lives like normel armadillos, visiting tulep gardens, going to werk wtih our owners, and reeding betdime stories, playing hide-adn-seek, makign music, playing wii tennis, and watchnig hte Redskins!

Sincerly,
My BUddy Armadillo

P.S. Sory for hte typos, its hard to type iwth claws.

Oasis!

Today Oasis' new album is released. It sounds great. You should buy it. Nevermind the fact that Pink just outsold Oasis' first single in the UK. I'm sure that was just a fluke.

Oasis has sold over 50 million albums all around the world and it's easy to see why: the songwriting is brilliant. Here are my top ten best Oasis lyrics:

1. You live for your toys, even though they make noise. Have you ever played with plastercine or even tried a trampoline? (Little James)
2. Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. (Champagne Supernova)
3. The sink is full of fishes, cuz she's got dirty dishes on the brain. (Some Might Say)
4. I've been driving in my car with my friend Mr. Soft. Mr. Clean and Mr. Ben are living in my loft. (Shaker Maker)
5. She's electric, she's in a family full of eccentrics. (She's Electric)
6. I know a girl called Elsa. She’s into Alka Seltzer. She sniffs it through a cane on a supersonic train. She made me laugh. I got her autograph. (Supersonic)
7. I’ll treat you like a Queen. I’ll give you strawberries and cream. And then your friends will all go green for my lasagne. (Digsy's Diner)
8. All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade. (Talk Tonight)
9. I'll take my car and drive real far. (Rock 'n Roll Star)
10. Hey you! Up in a tree. You wanna be me? Well that couldn’t be. (Up in the Sky)
11. D'you dig my friends? D'you dig my shoes? I am like a child with nothing to lose but my mind. (Magic Pie)
12. Some day you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky. (Champagne Supernova)

So profound! And one of my favorite Oasis stories is when Liam in a concert dedicated the song "Live Forever" to his two front teeth that were previously knocked out in a bar fight. What's not to love about that?

Despite their reputation for being very friendly and personable, I've unfortunately never met Oasis. But on June 15, 1997, I called in to the national radio show Modern Rock Live and asked Noel Gallagher a question on the air.

You can listen to it here:


And here's the transcript:

MRL Host: You're next on Modern Rock Live.

Me: Hey Noel, this question's for you. Um, I was at your last show in Virginia on your US tour (9/10/1996 at the Nissan Pavilion), and I was wondering why you quit the tour early?

Noel: (various chuckling in the background) Um, because uh, I wanted to go home and watch Man City and eat baked beans. No, we was just touring too much and were getting bored of it. I'm sorry if you bought tickets to the gig and we didn't turn up for it, you know, life's a bitch, there you go, I'm sorry. But, if you did actually buy tickets for the gig which we didn't turn up at, then we will come back and play for you, for you personally in your house.

MRL Host: Get ready for that.

See what I mean? So friendly and personable. And the music is amazing. Some might say they're the best band in the world. That's why it's so weird when I tell people that Oasis is my favorite band and they give me a look like I'm George Michael talking about Ann on Arrested Development:

Dear Somali "Pirates,"

I have been following your standoff with the US warship off the coast of Somalia. I'm not very impressed. I think you are giving pirates everywhere a bad name. Do you really think Johnny Depp would make a movie about you? I don't think so.

First of all, I don't think any of you have beards. Everyone knows the first rule of pirates is to have a beard. Red, black, it doesn't matter, but you really need a beard. Second, does anyone have a wooden leg? You know, a peg leg. Preferably because you lost your real leg due to a freak cannonball accident years earlier and had to replace it with a wooden one. If none of you has a peg leg, consider it one big strike against you. Next, do you have a pet parrot? You know, the kind that sits on your shoulder and repeats words for emphasis when you're making a speech to raise morale among the other pirates. Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about:

It's a little cartoonish but I think you get the idea. This guy has the beard, peg leg, and parrot PLUS a hook-hand and eye-patch. He's legit. Next, let's talk about your boat. Recently in the news I saw this picture of you attacking the cargo ship:

Are those life rafts you're riding? How did you even board that big cargo ship? You're supposed to swing from deck to deck using ropes. Plus, you really need a skull-and-crossbones flag. I don't see anything waving in the wind except for the rags on your back. I'm very unimpressed. I played with more realistic pirate ships when I was a kid:

See, Lego knows what it's doing. This one has THREE skull-and-crossbone flags, not to mention a monkey deck-hand. They'll never make a pirate ship based on yours. Can you imagine a kid buying this crap in a store?

I don't think so. I would also like to know if you celebrated National Talk Like A Pirate Day this year. It was on September 19. I would think this is the biggest pirate holiday of the year but I didn't hear anything about it. Do you even walk around saying, "Arrrrrrr!!!!!"? What a joke.

To top it off, I read that you are demanding $20 million from the Ukraine for their ship back. What is this all about? You're supposed to rob and pillage what's on board the ship, sink it, and sail away into the sunset--not ask for money to be wired to your account in the Caymans before you politely return the keys to the owner. Don't you get it? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you get destroyed in the next few days, I think we all know you had it coming.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

National Biscuit Month!

Don't these look delicious?

Maybe you didn't know this but September is National Biscuit Month. I don't know about you but for me it's been just one big month-long celebration. Kind of like Mardi Gras, but only better. I've eaten biscuits nearly every day, visited biscuit festivals, watched biscuit parades, and danced all night at biscuit night clubs. So what better way to usher out National Biscuit Month than with three amazing acoustic songs about biscuits?

If I Can't Have Just One Today


Come On Down


Ode to Biscuits


You can find these classic hits and others on my limited edition EP entitled Oh Pepper? It was released on Fetchers Records in 2004. Just go to any respectable record store and they'll know what you're talking about.

Poll results:

National Punctuation Day!

Lets celebrate together!

Happy National Punctuation Day! There are many ways people punctuate incorrectly but today let's focus on the apostrophe. Why is the apostrophe so hard? For some reason people always want to throw an extra one in where it's not needed or leave it out of obvious situations. You're probably blaming your follies on Schoolhouse Rock! for never doing a song on it.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed for my friends so I call them out for using incorrect punctuation or grammar. Here is what they say: "I don't have time to proofread all my emails. Why are you such a fetcher?" I don't know but the real question is, why is it so hard to use an apostrophe?

Since I'm such a good friend, here are a few visual examples to get you on the right track to correct apostrophe usage:

See its easy.

BYU Police Beat: Summer 2008 Edition

Welcome back to school, BYU students. In case you are wondering what happened on campus while you were gone for the summer, I've compiled another edition of classic BYU Police Beats for you. After you read these you'll realize how important it is that you have campus police officers on duty at all times. Let's get to it:

Aug. 4: Witnesses reported seeing a deer with a wire wrapped around its neck near the stairs by the Botany Pond. When officers arrived the deer was nowhere to be found.

Aug. 4: Three dogs were reported to be locked in a car. When an officer arrived the car was found to be in shade, thus not endangering the dogs.

Aug. 2: Police were called when a male student was reportedly having an inappropriate conversation with two female students at the BYU Bookstore. When police arrived, the three students were questioned and it was determined no laws had been violated.

July 22: A truck with a female and four males was seen throwing eggs at cars on campus. The egging victims were contacted and none chose to press charges, so the egg-throwers were released with a warning.

July 21: At 1 a.m., juveniles were reported to be jumping up and down on the gate arm at the south gate near lot 2. When police arrived it was clear the juveniles were simply doing the limbo using the gate arm and that no damage had been done to the arm.

July 17: A male student was cited for being disruptive in the library. The man was snarling and threatening library staff, claiming that he had received unsatisfactory service. The man has a history of this type of behavior.

July 15: Witnesses reported seeing two females and a male stealing laundry from the facilities at Wymount. The three were carrying laundry in a large black trash bag. It turned out the three were doing laundry for several family members who were visiting from out of town.

July 11: A 50-year-old male was arrested, cited and released for stealing $26 of products from the BYU Bookstore, including a triple combination, the Book of Jasher and a raspberry chocolate candy bar. The man has previous history of retail theft at BYU.

June 30: Police followed up on a report of people being loud at 11:30 p.m. at Wymount Terrace. The loud people were asked to be quiet.

June 3: An officer and a grounds employee rescued 11 ducklings from falling into a storm drain on the south side of the NCAA track.

June 2: A blind deer was found by a resident at the Wymount Terrace. Provo Animal Control was called and they came and took care of the animal. They knew it was blind because it was running into things.

June 1: Five students, males and females, were reported for riding their bikes inside of JFSB. They were warned and released.

May 31: A student called and reported suspicious behavior at 11 p.m.. A car had been running around the law school parking lot for 30 minutes, police said. When the officer arrived the male explained he was teaching his girlfriend how to drive.

May 27: Someone called in about a suspicious male in the WSC. The suspect had long, blonde hair and a goatee. It turned out he had lost his camera and came in to see if it was brought to the Lost & Found, police said.

May 16: Someone called to report that the ducks and turtles were being stolen from the pond on the south end of campus. Police found that children were playing by the pond with the animals.

May 14: At library closing time, a female student refused to leave the library. On May 11 she also refused to leave. The woman was given a citation and escorted out.

May 13: The owner of a bike which had been impounded for parking illegally came to claim it, only to find that it had been stolen from the impound lot.

National Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Arrrr! Ye'll click here if ye know what's best for ye, land lubbers!

Dear Editor

During my time at BYU I wrote a few letters to the school newspaper, the Daily Universe. (No blog back then.) A lot of students used the Letters to the Editor page to write about "serious" topics and complain about the latest BYU "controversy." For example: the NCMO website or girls wearing one-strap backpacks. But I mostly tried to write letters just to see what I could get printed.

Some letters were stupid like this one:


And this one:


Sometimes I exposed too much power in the wrong hands:


And I silenced whiners with logic, reason, and math:


Other letters were thought-provoking:


But this was probably my favorite because I riled someone up:


And here's the response:


I like the part where she tells me to "stay in bed and keep dreaming of taking on the world." Maybe I will, Cami Cheney of Livermore, California. The other best part about this story is that when I talked about being "picked up on" more often when I was wearing my pajamas, I was mainly talking about this one girl who would always sit at my study table in the Wilk on those days and chat me up. The day the letter was printed, she sat by me and said, "Nice letter." I don't think she ever realized she was the one picking up on me, but she was.

30 is the New 20

Today is the big 3-0. Wow, what a milestone. I'd like to think I've worked hard to get here. But looking back on my life so far, I sadly noticed that I haven't accomplished all that much. For example, by the age of 30:

A-Rod hit 430 home runs,
Flavor Flav begat 6 kids,
Bill Gates made his first $234 million,
Conan O'Brien had his first late night talk show,
Paris Hiltion served 21 days in jail,
and Weird Al Yankovic released 7 albums.

See what I mean? I have 0 home runs, 0 kids, $0, 0 talk shows, 0 days in jail, and 0 albums (my EP doesn't count.) I was starting to feel pretty down on myself. Then I realized that maybe I shouldn't feel so bad--Barack Obama graduated from law school when he was 30 so I'm still on pace to run for President of the United States by the time I'm his age. It's well documented that I already have a hot-button platform on which to base my campaign. Now all I need is a catchy slogan that doesn't really mean anything. How's this: "The Audacity of Mayonnaise." That's gold! I'll see you in 2024.

And if you ever wondered what the Time Magazine cover looked like on your birthday, check out this website. Here's mine:

And as always, birthday presents can be deposited in my Paypal account.

Book Review: Breaking Dawn

Well, sorry this review is late. I know the latest Twilight book has been out a while but I had to speed through the first three before I could read this last one. Man, what a ride! These books are amazing! Stephenie Meyer's writing style is so sophisticated and refined, it is obvious she went to college at BYU. I never took any writing classes there, but wow, you can tell she did.

Enough about the author, let's talk about the book! I will admit that I was skeptical about the Twilight books ever since I heard the buzz around town. But, then I read the back cover of Twilight:

Wow! I was immediately drawn in, almost like Bella's neck to Edward's fangs. My heart was racing, and I had to know more! So I took off a day from work to catch up and finish the series. I'm so glad I did. I finally understand why people love these books so much! They're great. I mean, I was screaming out loud when I found out Jacob was a werewolf! It's so scary when he howls at the moon. And then when Bella had the half-werewolf/half-vampire baby! Who is the father?!?! I just can't wait for the next one to come out.

For all you guys out there, just know that you can read these books and still have a sense of dignity. I do. And I can guarantee that there will be just as many guys as girls in the movie theater when Twilight comes out on the big screen. Advance tickets, here I come. I love you Fandango!

I think the best part about these books is that they give young girls everywhere hope that they can find love, even in the most unlikely of circumstances. Sometimes you might end up with a vampire husband who wants to suck your blood, but that's okay, true love is waiting out there somewhere. You just have to look hard enough, move to the right small town on the Olympic Peninsula, and be willing to settle for half-vampire/half-werewolf babies.

About one thing I am absolutely positive. There is a part of me--and I'm pretty sure I know how dominant this part may be--that wants to say to all you Twilight fans out there: "Really?" (Picture the Arrested Development "Her?" voice.)

Labor Day!

Click here for further reading on the amazing Labor Day holiday.

Take Your Child To Work Day

Well, yesterday was Take Your Child To Work Day here at work. I don't have any kids yet (not a fan of the poopy diapers) so of course I took My Buddy. We had a grand time!


I let him choose a drink when we got there. (I usually try not to let him have too much caffeine; it's not good for armadillos.)



Then he helped me check my email (he's good with the mouse.)



We had lunch together and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine outside. He wanted to know why some people are vegetarians. I told him I had no idea.



We also made some copies together. His claws are like built-in staple removers.



Then he helped me pitch my big idea in the Conference Room. Having him by my side gave me the confidence I needed to persuade the Board.



All in all it was a great day but by the end, we were ready to go home.

Dear Skymall,

It has come to my attention that persons at your Skymall headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona, read my recent blog entry entitled Skymall: Going Beyond the Ordinary. These persons made multiple return trips to my blog on the mornings of August 20 and August 21. You probably didn't realize that Oh Pepper? had the resources to know that your IP address is 204.48.10.20, that your server is called janus.skymall.com, or that you accessed Oh Pepper? with various internet browsers at different times, but it does.

I don't know how you found my blog or why you are reading it, but I can only assume that your intentions are malicious. I vow that if you attempt to suppress my rights to free speech in any way, you can be sure I will fight you to the bitter end.

So Skymall, if you want me, why don't you come and get me! You could drive up here to Seattle in the Cruizin' Cooler. It probably gets great mileage. Maybe if you get hungry you could cook yourself a delicious dog in your Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker (don't forget the bun) and bust out the Caddie Cooler for a cold and refreshing beverage. And when you need a little rest for your weary head, why not relax in a sitting position on the Skyrest Travel Pillow? Lucky for you, all of these amazing products are available in one place (and you probably get a discount.)

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit


**Addendum: As of 8/26, Oh Pepper? has been accessed 15 times by persons at Skymall headquarters.

Skymall: Going Beyond the Ordinary

When I was younger I used to think that Skymall was a store on board the plane. I thought that if you ordered something, you just paid the flight attendant and picked it up on your way out. I figured it was there for travelers who needed a last minute gift or souvenir for the people they were visiting or coming home to. I always wondered where they stored everything but never thought to ask. Now that I'm older, I know that Skymall is actually a catalog of crap in the sky. A recent flight gave me the chance to see just what goodies were for sale. Here are some of my favorites:

Cruzin' Cooler: $399.99
When will you ever find yourself in a position where you'll need to ride a motorized chest cooler? Either get a cooler or a scooter, but why combine the two? This reminds me of Jemaine's camera phone on Flight of the Conchords.

Caddie Cooler: $29.99

I would consider myself a golfer but I would never consider using the Caddie Cooler. I just don't think the ridicule for getting a drink to squirt out of a fake golf club outweighs the option of throwing down a cold one on the course. Why can't you just pack a water bottle in your bag?

Jumpin Jammerz: $59.99
Is there a reason in this photo why there's one guy surrounded by eight girls in their Jumpin' Jammerz? I think it's because they couldn't get more than one male to actually wear these things, even for the ad. These were cool when you were little but you'll face the same problems today as you did back then when you need to go to the bathroom. Let's face it, there's a reason why people don't wear one-piece underwear or pajamas anymore.

Komfort Kollar: $26.85

Is it just me or does this remind you of those people in Africa who purposefully stretch out their necks using metal rings? This thing is huge! There's nothing komfortable about it. Plus I really hate when advertisers spell words wrong trying to be cute and clever about it. Here the double K's just aren't necessary.

Skyrest Travel Pillow: $29.95
Picture yourself spending 5-10 minutes blowing this thing up before takeoff. The person next to you will ask, "Hey man, what are you doing?" and you'll respond, "Just blowing up my Skyrest Travel Pillow so I can get some rest. I find the rigors of air travel to be very tiring." You'll be the biggest dork on the plane, if you weren't already. People will come from all over the cabin to stare at you while you sleep. Pictures of you will appear on blogs and personal websites everywhere. Have you ever seen someone using this on a flight? Me either.

Sassybax Shapers: $68.00

I do love the name of this item. And it actually seems like a good idea. The thing I take issue with is that they sell these things in sizes up to XXL. Face it, if you're a XXL, Sassybax isn't gonna put some sass in your back.

Pop-Up Hotdog Cooker: $49.95
My personal Skymall favorite. This is a perfect invention for when I want a hot dog cooked in its own specialized toaster alongside its warm, toasty bun. I can just imagine those delicious, aromatic hot dog juices accumulating in a tray in the bottom. Maybe I could soak them up with my perfectly toasted bun. Mmmm, delicious!

One Ring to Rule Them All: $129.00

This ring brought Frodo and Bilbo nothing but pain, loneliness, and conflict. Did we learn nothing from Lord of the Rings???

World's Largest Crossword Puzzle: $29.95
Perfect for the world's largest dorks who need to decorate the world's largest wall. Can you really imagine finding yourself bored with a half hour to spare and thinking to yourself, "Well, maybe I should get my butt off this couch and go to work on the World's Largest Crossword Puzzle on the wall over there. It's not going to fill itself out." This is the kind of thing that you'd find on Trading Spaces BEFORE the renovation took place. Afterwards it would be replaced with some chintzy homemade crap they got at Home Depot for $5 (they're on a budget, you know).

Pet Travel System: $99.99

I always thought the point of walking your dog was so it could get some exercise. But what do I know? After I predicted that the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie would bomb, I realized that I'm not as smart as I think (it made over $200 million).

Parenting Lesson #1

When your kid comes home from school and tells you that a bully was pushing him around, show him this picture:

Then say, "Son, at least you're not a six-legged deer. Imagine how the other deer treat this freak."

Who wouldn't feel better after hearing that? Life is all about putting things in perspective.

Why I Love the Olympics: A Photo Essay

Pre-game trash talking by the French: "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for."


France lead after 7 of 8 laps.


France lead after 7 1/2 laps.


France lead after 7 3/4 laps.


France lead after 7 7/8 laps.


But who won?


The United States.


Victory!


Defeat.


Triumph!


Failure.


First place. Gold Medal. New World Record.


Second place. Silver Medal. Lesson Learned.


Au revoir.

Ni Hao China!

The Olympics are here! And who doesn't like the Olympics? It's the one time every four years that your hobby can win you a gold necklace and score you some chicks. You know what I'm talking about, table tennis players. Too bad they got rid of the Tug-of-War back in '24. And I have a complaint for you, NBC: after all these years of your "comprehensive" Olympics coverage, I still don't know what the heck handball is. For some reason you focus on boring sports like basketball, gymnastics, and swimming. Like those are more important than handball. Also, Bob Costas is an idiot.

Unfortunately I didn't qualify for Team USA to represent my country in Beijing this year, but here are some photos of me in past Olympics:



Seoul 1988 Soccer Team. You might say to yourself, "Whatever Christian, you are so young in this picture (and skinny.) This must have been the Junior Olympics." Nope, I was just that good.



Athens 2004 Dock Jumping Team. This was still a demonstration sport in 2004 but this year it's legit. Look at that form. I would have won the gold. And isn't the Mediterranean beautiful?



Sydney 2000 Dodge Ball Team. Some say the movie was inspired by my performance. It's amazing what a gold medal will do for your career.



Torino 2006 Ski Team. You probably didn't even know I was on this team because of that media hog Bode Miller but here I am. This is right before I won the Downhill Slalom Super G. You can see Torino in the background. Italy is so beautiful.



Atlanta 1996 Track & Field Team. Usually when people see this picture they want to know how I stretched my body like that. I say, "The better question is how did I get those shorts on???"


So, Team USA athletes, good luck this year in Beijing. Just do your best and you'll look back at your time as an Olympiad with fond memories like I do.

Greatest Marketing Ploy of the 21st Century

Dear Car Owners,

So basically you paid a car dealership thousands of dollars for a new car and now you're unnecessarily giving them free advertising everywhere you go? Thanks, I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly.

Sincerely,

C-Biscuit

Celebrate National Eye Exam Month

"Basically, I think you're gonna need extra large contacts."

Man On The Moon

NASA turns 50 today. Happy Birthday NASA. This month also happens to be the 39th anniversary of when Apollo 11 landed on the moon. You probably don't know this about me but I was there. I'd like to take this time to silence all those skeptics out there who don't believe we landed on the moon. If these photos don't win you over, I don't know what will:

Hide-and-go-seek was a hit with the astronauts. There just weren't too many places to hide.


On our breaks we drag-raced and played chicken. I usually won.


"Hey Buzz, how about another pina colada?" Because there is no atmosphere on the moon, NASA told us to wear extra sunscreen.


All in all I enjoyed my time on the moon. It wasn't the earth but it was pretty nice. I definitely recommend it to anyone who has a chance to stop by.

Pioneer Day!

Happy Pioneer Day to all!

According to Wikipedia: (so you know it's true)

Pioneer Day is a holiday celebrated on July 24 in Utah, with some celebrations in regions of surrounding states originally settled by Mormon pioneers. It commemorates the entry of Brigham Young and the first group of Mormon Pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847, where the Latter-day Saints settled after being forced from Nauvoo, Illinois and other locations in the eastern United States. Parades, fireworks, rodeos, and other festivities help commemorate the event.

In 2000 I moved to Utah to go to BYU. I drove across the country in my friend's old Subaru, not unlike the pioneers before me. Only, when we got to State Street in Orem in the wee morning hours and drove past strip mall after strip mall I thought, "This is the place? You have to be kidding me." But Utah eventually grew on me and a few months later I experienced my first official Pioneer Day. Basically, it felt like a second 4th of July and everyone knows you can never have too many 4th of Julys.

I also remember a Pioneer Day ward activity in Virginia when I was about 11 or 12. There was a contest to build the smallest covered wagon. I got out my construction paper and scissors and got to work, just like the pioneers of old. My wagon was about 1" square and needless to say, the competition wasn't even close.

Past holiday greetings:

2004: Wow, pioneer girls were hot.


2005: I'm so keen-o on beefarino, what a delicious cuisine-o, fit for a king and queen-o.


2006: Top ten all-time holiday greeting.


2007: Top ten all-time worst holiday greeting.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Last month Robin went home for a week for a funeral and I was left to fend for myself. Even though I'm an amazing cook, the prospect of eating dinner all alone made me very depressed. I decided to do something about it so I sent an email to some of our friends at church describing my predicament:



Overall the response was overwhelming:







My heart really was touched. So many people cared! And since so many wanted to have me on Monday night and there was only one of me to go around, they got together and decided to have a barbecue in my honor. The food was great, the company even better, and I came through on my promises to entertain:

Most people don't know how good of a reader I am, but kids do.


Here I am baby whispering so this little guy would go to sleep.


Here is the reaction after one of my yarns. It's a typical response.


I think I told one of my jokes here. You can tell by how this young lady is covering her mouth.


Sadly, I couldn't stay all night. But don't worry, we can do it again anytime! Just wait for the email inviting myself over.

Late Night Make Your Own Commercial Contest

If you normally watch TV at 12:30 at night or have a DVR you probably already know about Conan O'Brien's latest contest. If not, you can watch this video:

After seeing that first entry I thought, "Hey, I could do better than that. I've already produced a successful and critically-acclaimed music video." So I got to work in my studio and submitted my own commercial a few weeks ago. Well, on Monday night they showed the three finalists and mine wasn't one of them. Yeah, I can't believe it, either:

Combine such a high quality production and the tens of readers that check my blog every day, and now Conan's ratings can't go anywhere but up. Conan, you owe me one.

Spite: Obey Your Thirst

I gave you a glimpse of a common, yet seldom addressed, part of life some time ago with my expose', Spite: An Essay. To further this glimpse, I thought you might enjoy a good example of some spite in daily life.

Well, a little while ago I decided I wanted to be a collector of vinyl records, new and old. So we got a turntable and I started looking for my favorite albums all over again, this time on vinyl. No, it doesn't really make sense to re-buy an album you already have on CD, but vinyl really is more fun to listen to than CDs. You'll just have to try it out to know what I mean. Or read this article in Rolling Stone.

Anyway, I've been looking for months for this Badly Drawn Boy album, About A Boy. It's a delightful movie and an even better soundtrack. And you just don't find this one on eBay too often. Then one day--BAM!!! Two were listed on eBay at the same time, both in perfect condition! One was 19.99 plus 4.50 shipping. The other was 12.99 plus 7.99 shipping. Both were steals so I put them in my Watch queue. I ended up winning the 19.99 album with the only bid and was happy about my purchase.

Then I noticed in my Watch queue that gregory_s_g had bid on the 12.99 album and the auction was about to end with him paying less than I did for mine. I also noticed that gregory_s_g had multiple bids for this item, even though no one else had placed a bid. This meant that he upped his original bid in case someone else came along and placed a last-second bid. He wanted to make sure he won the album. Sure, I was going to let him win the album; but I placed a few bids to up his total so that we paid the same price. I didn't want to go too high and end up with two of the same vinyls so I only raised the price from 12.99 to 15.49. But add 7.99 shipping and we paid just about the same amount. In the end I felt much better, gregory_s_g and I both got our Badly Drawn Boy vinyls, and spite came through again.

Dear Canadians,

I enjoyed my stay this weekend in your beautiful country. Frankly, you're not so different from us Americans.

Your people speak English and are very friendly.


You drive the same cars that we do.


You eat the same fast food...


...and drink the same coffee as us.


Your grocery stores carry the same Coke...


...and chips as ours (but I didn't try that weird Ketchup flavor.)


I just have one question: What's the deal with your milk???


Sincerely,

C-Biscuit