05 August 2007

Stingray!


Last year my ward had a big kickball game for an FHE activity. East Side v. West Side. Of course there was trash talking for weeks up to the big game. And there were “training sessions” where we were supposed to practice our kickball skills and make our team t-shirts. So, a week before the game my team was tired of all the trash talking and decided to stage a little attack on the other team while they were making their t-shirts. Above is a video of the attack and here's the scripture summary I wrote and emailed to the other team afterwards. The plan went perfectly and guaranteed a moral victory for us, even if we had lost the actual game (which we didn’t).

The orange mohawk intimidated the other team during the game.

Our team name was The Fetchers United (loosely based on the successful English football team Manchester United). Wow, what a beautiful uniform.

About to kick an RBI double. We won 10-5 or something like that.


Finally, the scriptural account (with a few references to verses in the BofM):

1. And it came to pass that I, Christian, being born of goodly FHE parents, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.
2. And there was peace in the land for many weeks.
3. But behold, it came to pass that the Lamanites of the East began to stir up unto anger my brethren, the Nephites of the West.
4. For they would speak trash unto us as we worked in our fields, our offices, and our classrooms, and as we checked our email. Yea, one even spoke trash unto us as he made announcements during Elders Quorum. For this, the Nephites were not appreciative.
5. And it came to pass that the Lamanites of the East and the Nephites of the West were for the space of four weeks gathering together the people, that they might get all who were upon the face of the land, and that they might receive all the strength which it was possible that they could receive.
6. For behold, the people knew that the final kickball battle would soon commence among them.
7. Therefore, I, Christian, knowing my people of the West to be a righteous and fair and delightsome people, therefore I did gather them together and did arm them with all manner of weapons of war.
8. And it came to pass that while the Lamanites of the East had thus been obtaining power by fraud and deceit, I, Christian had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.
9. Yea, and we did arm ourselves, yea, with balls of curious workmanship. And behold, they were red and filled with water. For behold, the Lamanites of the East did wear only t-shirts which they had made of skins of wild beasts. These t-shirts did bear their team name: the Cheats of the East. And we knew that the Lamanites of the East would not be protected from our balls of curious workmanship.
10. Therefore, a house on 35th Avenue had fallen into the hands of the Lamanites of the East and we desired to lure them from their stronghold.
11. And it came to pass that I, Christian, did cause a search should be made among my men, that perhaps we might find a descendant of the Lamanites of the East among them. And behold, two brave souls, even Matt and Becky, did volunteer to enter the house on 35th Avenue. Yea, they entered the house and were unsuspected by the Lamanites of the East. For behold, the Lamanites of the East, being drunken by day, did believe Matt and Becky to be on their kickball team.
12. And now, as Matt and Becky had created a diversion, I, Christian, stole away privily into the house on 35th Avenue. For behold, having no hopes of meeting them upon fair grounds, therefore I resolved a plan that I might decoy the Lamanites out of their stronghold. For behold, the Lamanites of the West were exceedingly many. Yea, there was Johnny, and Sam, and Megan, and Cassie, and Beren, and Gretchen, and Paul, and Jenny, and Chris, and Josh.
13. Behold, they were great in number but small in stature.
14. Therefore, I entered the stronghold, and behold, to my astonishment, I found that the Lamanites had built a remeumptom, that they might pray to their vain idols of worship. And behold, they did stand upon this rameumptom and talk trash, that they might build themselves up upon their vain ambitions and pride.
15. For behold, they wore chains and bracelets and rings and nose jewels and crisping pins and changeable suits of apparel and headbands and ear-rings. And behold, I, Christian, being very astonished at their vanity and pride, knew that great would be the fall of it.
16. And it came to pass that the Lamanites of the East began to make themselves merry, insomuch that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness unto me, yea, saying, "Thou art of the Nephites of the West and thou art a spy, and thou shalt leave our presence immediately."
17. I spoke out to the Lamanites of the East, and bade them follow me but they would not.
18. Therefore, I took some of their kickball t-shirts of skins and ran for my life out of the stronghold.
19. For behold, I had placed men all about the entrance to the stronghold such that they were not found by the Lamanites of the East. And it came to pass that the Lamanites of the East followed me, yea, even out of their stronghold. And Matt and Becky were left behind that they might take prisoner the remaining guards and secure the stronghold from the inside.
20. Yea, the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.
21. And it came to pass that when the Lamanites of the East had followed me outside, I did yell to my men that they might attack. For behold, I yelled "Stingray!!" for this was our code word that meant attack.
22. And it came to pass that my men did fall upon the Lamanites of the East, yea, insomuch that we began to destroy them. And they did fall before us. For behold, they were covered only in their kickball t-shirts of skins such that they were exposed to the blows of our balls of curious workmanship.
23. Yea, and it came to pass that Emily, and Tom, and Elisha, and even Martin did fall upon them, with their ten thousand, yea and Ciara, and David, and Bob, and Sam, did fall upon them with their ten thousand, yea, and Andrew, and Clay, and Ariel, and Von, with their ten thousand did fall upon them. And the battle was exceedingly fierce.
24. For behold, my men were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their cities of worship and their church.
25. And I did see that the Lamanites of the East did fall before us unto their destruction. And behold, I, Christian, being a man who did not delight in bloodshed, therefore I did call unto my men to cease the destruction upon the Lamanites of the East.
26. And it came to pass that we did fall back, yea, even that we did take the stronghold without the loss of one life while our brethren the Lamanites of the East did suffer many casualties, yea, even so many that they stood no chance in the final kickball battle for which the people had been gathering for four weeks.
27. And it came to pass that we returned unto our lands, and our fields, and our hot wives, and our children, such that we did have peace again in the land. For behold, we knew that no matter what the Lamanites of the East could do to come upon us, we had already won the critical battle--for behold, they had lost face as we had stuck it to them and defeated them in the battle of the trash talking, even without the podium of the Elders Quorum President as he made his announcements against us each Sunday.
28. And it came to pass that I, Christian, seeing that I began to be old, therefore I did take unto me a handmaiden, yea, an exceedingly beautiful maiden, and we did depart out of the land, and I did pass the records unto my loyal Lieutenant, Brother Tom. And now I end my writing.

1 comment:

the guitarist from hell said...

Can you say "manic"? Sure, I knew you could.