21 May 2008

Trapped Under The Desk



You may have heard of R. Kelly’s hip-hopera entitled “Trapped in the Closet,” but have you heard my story when I was trapped under the desk?

**Warning: the above link contains some bad language but I couldn't find an edited version, plus it's the funniest chapter**

I worked at a law firm for my first job after college. I lived with my Dad and had to drive about 40 miles on I-66 to Tysons Corner during rush hour. I just couldn’t live with the traffic and commute so after a few months I started waking up at 5 am, drove to work when there was barely any traffic, and slept in my car in the parking lot until work started at 9. I stopped doing this because 1) I got too cold when winter came around 2) I didn’t fit very well all curled up in the backseat of my Civic.

So I did the next logical thing: I slept under my desk in my cubicle. I brought in blankets and pillows and made a little nest for myself. I usually woke up at 8 before anyone else got there and read for an hour until work started. This worked great for a while until one morning when the office manager came in early. This wouldn’t have been a big deal but we shared the same cubicle. She sat right across from me. Yikes! I didn’t know what to do; I couldn’t just pop up out of nowhere and log in at 9 am like everything was normal. But the woman wouldn’t leave her desk! I just laid there looking at my watch. 8:30 came and went. Then 8:45. Then 9:00. At this point I would have texted a co-worker to distract her but I didn't have a cell phone in those days. If I didn’t log in now, I would be late and the HR Nazis would put my name on a list. Finally she turned to answer her phone around 9:15. I hopped up and prayed she wouldn’t notice that I suddenly appeared at my desk out of nowhere. Nothing really happened but I decided I couldn’t sleep there anymore.

So, I did the next logical thing: I slept in an unused office. This worked great for weeks. I moved my nest into the empty office across the hall from my cubicle and had a great sleep each morning from 5:30 until 8:00 or so. When I was done, I just rolled up my blankets and pillows and stuffed them into the corner under the desk and went to work. Well, this worked great until one fateful morning. Here’s how I described it to my co-worker in an email later that day:

'My face was turned to the wall and I was on my side, covered in a blanket. He came in with a booming voice saying that he didn't need a computer or email and that an office with just a desk would do. Then he saw me, stopped in his tracks, and left very quietly, closing the door behind him...'

Apparently a visiting attorney was in our office early that morning. The head partner of the firm, whose office happened to be next door to my bedroom, told this attorney he could use the office where I was sleeping but that there was no computer, phone, or internet. I was awakened when I heard the visiting attorney yelling back that he didn’t need an office with a computer and that this one would be fine. Well, I guess the office wasn’t suitable for working what with a sleeping body on the floor under the desk. I didn’t know what to do so I just froze (which wasn’t hard because I was already lying still). Luckily the attorney left and didn’t come back. I have no idea where he worked that day, but it wasn’t in my bedroom.

7 comments:

Ben said...

Sounds like the episode of Seinfeld where George slept under his desk, but you are much cuter than George Costanza. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Julia said...

I don't know how many times I've left this as a comment to one of your posts, but YOU ARE INSANE--in the best possible way, of course.

rachel tanner said...

Not only is there a man in this cabinet, but the man is a.. midget! midget! Haha.

Wow, Christian! You're my new hero. Sleeping under a desk must be the coolest thing I've ever heard of.

two forks said...

i hate to admit it, but despite the language and absurd storyline... this just may be one of the finest hip-hopera in the past decade.

and rachel, you hit it on the money! the midget part gets me every time!

Yaj said...

I didn't read the link, but I have to know - did he come out of the closet?

Yaj said...

On your request, I broke down and saw the video (I thought it was something to read...). Wow, another Kelly Klassic!?*

Very disappointing ending. I was waiting for the little Munchkin to pop out and represent the Lillipop Guild or something. Little curly "Q" hairdo, button-down vest, pointed shoes, great dance moves - he could have added to the song with his Guild's sideways way of singing. A very disappointing ending...

How did the "cop" know Bertha there was allergic to cherries?

*Are they all this, um, klassic?

Laura said...

cUZ, YOUR JUST TEH FUNIEST, MOM AND i LAUGHED HARD AT THAT STORY... YOU REALLY SHOULD GET PAID FOR THIS.. I KNOW WHAT TO GIVE YOU FOR YOUR B-DAY A PRIVACY/ DO NOT DISTURB SIGN FOR YOUR OFFICE... WAS THAT REALLY BETTER THAN TRAFFIC.
AS ALWAYS LOVE THE BLOG!