30 December 2007

The Only Way to Fly

Silver Elite status on Northwest gets you free upgrades on domestic flights so Robin and I got bumped up last week flying from Seattle to DC. I’ve been upgraded quite a few times so here are some of my rules to live by while flying First Class:

1. Monocles are encouraged, but not required.
2. Try not to mingle with the peons in coach. No need to get mixed up with that rif raf. That curtain is there for a reason.
3. You should speak with a British accent at all times.
4. Never order the eggs for breakfast. Cheerios are always a better option. (Hint: They don't have stoves on planes, even in First Class).
5. Never take photos of yourself in First Class. It’ll look like you’ve never sat there before.
6. Don’t try to sneak into First Class from coach. And when you get caught, don’t tell the flight attendant, “I’m not going back there! I paid for this ticket two months ago and you gave me a middle seat!” How embarrassing. But I guess that’s what you’d expect from someone in coach.
7. Don’t worry about the plane crashing. If you go down, you know you’re going down in style.
8. Always give your jacket to the stewardess so she can hang it up when you board the plane, even if it's a windbreaker. It makes her feel like she’s needed.
9. Use the restroom in the First Class cabin as often as possible. The marble, stainless steel, and Egyptian cotton towels will make you feel right at home.
10. Always take advantage of the pilots’ offer to take a tour of the cockpit. If you’re really good, they sometimes let you take the controls.


Ben said...

Now I will only accept a ticket from Rochester to Seattle for the Skins game if it is first class!!!

Yaj said...

I would go with the monocle. It is a good look for you. Kind of a cross between Petey (the dog on "Spanky and our Gang") and Colonel Klink (Hogan's Heroes). A really thin and decorative mustache would both complement and complete the look...

Yaj said...

By the way, eggs for breakfast might add to the typically sulphurous air in the forward cabin... you want to fit in.

Anonymous said...

Ah, my dear boy, well done! You bloody well know how to travel in proper style. Pity you weren't offered a glass instead of a common carton from which to drink your chocolate milk.