19 December 2007

What I Would Do With Backward Feet: An Essay

Here is quite an interesting story about a young woman with backward feet. (Why does it always seem like China gets all the people with cool bodies? See this story also.) So, here is my list of ten things I would do if I had backward feet:

1. Trademark the slogan, "Got Backward Feet?" and run ads depicting celebrities wearing milk mustaches with my slogan above them.

2. Kick would-be muggers who came up behind me. Then I'd say, "I bet you weren't expecting that, you mugger!!! I have backward feet."

3. Invent a new soccer bicycle kick where I would jump forward and downward and use my foot to kick the ball into the net as it went over my back. A movie would be inspired by my new kick called, "Bend it Like the Guy with the Backward Feet." I'd probably marry a Spice Girl, too.

4. Start a club for people with backward feet. Networking is very important these days.

5. Invent a custom bed with a dip where my feet would go. I like sleeping on my back so this would be very necessary. (An ottoman with such a dip would be nice, too).

6. Pray longer because now kneeling wouldn't hurt so much.

7. Break the NFL's longest field goal record of 63 yards. I'd wear a special shoe with a flat front and a built-in spring so the ball would go straight and far every time. Take that, Jason Elam and Tom Dempsey!

8. Trade in my car for one with an automatic transmission. I think the stick shift would just be too tricky, especially in stop-and-go traffic.

9. Learn how to moonwalk forward. I'd be a hit at every party.

10. Get dibs on the email address backwardfeet@gmail.com.


two forks said...

i'll tell you what you WOULDN'T do with those backward feet... be married to me! but i think i'd go see your bend it like the guy with backward feet movie.

Yaj said...

i guess it's good that only the feet are backwards ... think of the uglier and vastly more negative possibilities if it was other stuff too !!