29 January 2008

My Buddy and Me!


When we were little, my little brother got a My Buddy doll for Christmas. I guess it was a pretty cool toy back in 1986 (although I was more jealous of the Teddy Ruxpin he also got) but all I got was this stupid Wuzzle:
So, I never had a My Buddy toy I could call my own. That has all changed now. Meet my pet Armadillo. He doesn't really have a name, but we've become fast friends.

Sometimes we play music together. (He's real good on the keyboard).


Sometimes he does harmonica solos like Blues Traveler.


And it just wouldn't be Sunday without the Funny Pages. (But he wonders if people actually think Peanuts and Garfield are funny).


Sometimes we just hang out and watch Sportscenter. His favorite anchor is Kenny Mayne.


And of course he's a Redskins fan.


Usually he likes stories before bed. Especially Richard Scarry.


And he's always up for a game of hide-and-seek.


Or a little Wii tennis.


With all the time we spend together, sometimes I think they wrote the My Buddy song just for us:

My buddy, My buddy, wherever I go--he goes
My buddy, My buddy, I'll teach him everything that I know
My buddy and me like to climb up a tree
My buddy and me, we're the best friends that could be
My buddy, my buddy, my buddy and meeeeeee!

25 January 2008

American Gladiators


I was a huge fan of American Gladiators when I was a kid. We used to watch it every Saturday morning on WDCA Channel 20 (before it got ruined by the UPN). Apparently we thought it was cool to be a contestant because my brother, sister, and I always begged our Dad to try out.

So, as excited as I am about the New American Gladiators on NBC every Sunday at 8, I think I'll stick with the original American Gladiators on ESPN Classic.

Here are 5 reasons why you should watch the original American Gladiators:

1. You don't have to watch lame hosts like Hulk Hogan sport his wig of fake blonde hair under a bandana. You can't fool me, Hulk. Plus the original AG didn't have all those cheesy interviews with the contestants before and after the events.
2. You do get to watch amazing hosts like Todd Christensen, his amazing commentary, and his even more amazing mullet. It's too bad you were only on Season 1, Todd.
3. The six original gladiators: Malibu, Lace, Gemini, Zap, Nitro, Sunny. With names like that, you just knew they meant business.
4. Classic events like Human Cannonball and Breakthrough & Conquer that you just can't get on the New AG. Plus they made the new Powerball way too easy and the new Eliminator doesn't even involve any Gladiators! Check out these links for old school Powerball and Eliminator.
5. The American Gladiators Super Nintendo video game. I wonder if it's downloadable to the Wii yet.

22 January 2008

Celebrity Survey



Have you met a celebrity? I guess I’ve met a couple in my lifetime. I stayed at Danny Ainge’s house one weekend. I got Joe Gibbs to sign a football for me. I asked Noel Gallagher a question on the live radio show, Modern Rock Live. I shook Badly Drawn Boy’s hand at a concert and got his autograph. Once Robert Redford was on the chairlift behind me at Sundance and then he skied behind me all the way down the mountain. And I’ve talked to Better Than Ezra a few times after concerts.

But none of these occasions will ever live up to the time when I "met" Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda, former manager of The LA Dodgers and Team USA (and former spokesman for Ultra SlimFast). In 2000 I was President of the Italian Club for a semester at BYU. One of my many important duties and responsibilities was to travel to Washington DC for a weekend to attend the National Italian American Foundation’s Annual Gala. It was pretty awkward as soon as I realized that all the other Italian clubs around the country consisted of people whose ancestors actually came from Italy (although I was probably the only one who could actually speak Italian). I had to sit through forums discussing things like how to combat Italian-American stereotypes bolstered by shows like The Sopranos or how to get young Italians more involved in their culture. I just pretended like I was supposed to be there.

Then, all the action went down at the big Gala dinner that night. Some famous Italian-Americans came to say hi, including Justice Anthony Scalia of the Supreme Court, CEO Richard Grasso of the New York Stock Exchange, baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra, and Tommy Lasorda. About 100 people were sitting at tables enjoying dinner when the guests came in and each said a few words to the crowd. I happened to be sitting right front of the speakers. Tommy gave a little talk on having self-confidence and getting somewhere in life. He also spit on me the whole time he was talking. With the emphasis he made on each word, specks of his saliva drifted through the air, landing on me below. Obviously he had practice at this during all his years yelling at umpires.

What are you supposed to do in a situation like this? "Excuse me, Sir, as you motivate this crowd of young Italian Americans, flecks of your spit are falling on me."

Yeah, laugh it up Fatty McGee. I'll get you next time.

16 January 2008

Deadly Ice Conditions!



This was the view from our window when we woke up yesterday. You must be thinking, "Wow, they have a really nice view. It looks so beautiful and peaceful in the valley below." Wrong! I went outside to scrape off the car and I found this note by the exit to our building:



I didn't believe our landlord, Francie. She's notorious for doing bizarre things and leaving notes all over our building. (My favorite part of this note is how she wrote, "Tues." at the top and gave her phone number in case of emergencies. If my car got stuck and blocked the neighbors, what is she going to do when I call her--bust out the jaws of life?) So I went right outside.





I should have listened to Francie!

14 January 2008

Who's laughing now, Seahawks fans?

I have never cheered more for a team other than the Redskins than I did on Saturday. It must have been for spite. It brought joy to my heart to see the Seahawks get a beat-down in Green Bay. Thank you, Brett Favre. If only I could have seen the drunken looks on the faces of the fans who sat behind me in the Redskins game last week. That would have made the defeat just a little bit sweeter. Here are some photos I found in the Seattle Times:

Zing!


You just can't make this stuff up!


The agony of defeat. Aw, how sad.

You Decided 2008



America has spoken! 52 percent* of voters are in favor of banning mayonnaise.

I think 67 votes represent enough of the population for me to know where the nation stands on the Mayonnaise Issue. I pledge to you that, if I am elected President, I will institute a Mayonnaise Prohibition as my first order of business. (After that I will put in a Papa Johns in the White House basement right by the bowling alley).


*The margin of error for this professionally-conducted, unbiased, randomized cluster sample is +/- 2%.

07 January 2008

Now I remember...

...why I love the Seahawks so much. It had been a while but it's all coming back to me. The fans are polite gentlemen. They even start fun chants in the bathroom before the game exclaiming how much the other team sucks (while I was in the bathroom a guy came in and yelled, "I say Redskins, you say suck!" and when he yelled, "Redskins," a chorus of "Suck" came from the stalls and urinals). What's not to love?

I wore a burgundy North Face jacket and a yellow Redskins beanie at the Redskins-Seahawks playoff game on Saturday. So, those friendly fans threw peanuts at me the entire game, usually one at a time, from the beginning of the 1st Quarter to the end of the 4th Quarter. (And don't forget the entire bag of peanuts that was dumped on my head somewhere in there). That's one use for the peanut I bet George Washington Carver didn't invent. One guy spit his sunflower seed shells on me most of the game. I do like sunflower seeds a lot, but not chewed-up shells. A bag of trash hit my shoulder right near the end. I really wanted to go Ron Artest on someone, but when you're my size you learn at an early age that patience and reason are a better option. I was in a Lose-Lose situation, though. If I had reacted, I probably would have gotten a beat down. But they got madder because I didn't do anything back. Thanks, Gandhi, your non-violent ways really worked for me.

I was really excited when the Redskins took the lead in the 4th Quarter but I realized that I wanted the Redskins to win more out of spite towards all Seahawks fans than because the Redskins are my favorite team. Spite definitely would have made me feel better.

I captured some of the fans on film to show you what I was dealing with:

Here are a couple of typical Seahawks fans. I think the looks on their faces say it all.



I always knew there was something fishy about that whole 12th Man thing.



It's weird. When I took this picture, my camera just added this word. I guess it automatically recognized what it was looking at.

04 January 2008

Happy New Year!

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03 January 2008

You Decide 2008


All the recent endless Presidential Debates, ads, interviews, and today's Iowa Caucus got me thinking--what would I say in a Town Hall meeting if a concerned citizen stood up and asked me for my standpoint on mayonnaise?

"First of all, thank you for your question on this very important topic. If I were elected President, I would institute a Mayonnaise Prohibition as my first executive order. I would also increase government funding for the fledgling non-partisan Anti-Mayo Club. Mayonnaise is gross. It tastes gross. It looks gross. It feels gross. In a word, it is gross. Some ask me if I like Miracle Whip. Let me set the record straight: Miracle Whip and mayonnaise are one and the same. They're both white. They're both slimy. They're both gross.

"So why do we have mayonnaise? Because a gentleman named Louis-Francois-Armand du Plessis de Richelieu won a battle in Mahon, Spain and brought the recipe back to France in 1756. We're living in the 21st Century, folks. Let's eat like it, too.

"Mayonnaise is now being used on sandwiches, wraps, hamburgers, and in tuna salad, chicken salad, potato salad, and casseroles, to name a few. My economists tell me that this unnecessary and superfluous use of mayonnaise is directly correlated to the rising price of unrefined oil. Think of all the resources that instead could be channeled to solve our nation's current fuel crisis! In addition, my staff has crunched the numbers and determined that we can balance the budget if we cease all mayonnaise production. And you might be interested to know that Al Gore has declared that global warming is being caused by mayonnaise but, unfortunately, this scene was deleted from "An Unconventional Truth." Forget the Kyoto Protocol. We can stop global warming when we stop producing mayonnaise! Further, leading studies are showing that a universal healthcare program will not be necessary if people simply remove mayonnaise from their diets. Mayonnaise is more harmful than tobacco but the big mayonnaise producers are paying off Congress to keep this from their constituents. Obviously all of this is true because I'm speaking on the record.

"And another thing: why do food preparers assume everyone likes mayonnaise? I have been forced to go hungry many a time when catered lunches were served at work. Why can't they just include mayo packets with the sandwiches? It seems like a simple solution to me. Also, McDonald's automatically includes mayonnaise on their chicken sandwiches; I counter that it should be an option. And finally, the other day at Costco I noticed that the new turkey wraps are made with mayonnaise. You can't get one without it. I'll have my staff do some research but at first glance I think this is a violation of the 8th Amendment (unconstitutionality of cruel or unusual punishment.)

"I'd like to end with a personal anecdote: I once met a girl's parents for the first time over lunch. They had BLTs waiting when we got to their house. I had to ask for a custom-made BLT, without mayo. The conversation went something like this, "Hi, nice to meet you. I don't eat mayonnaise. Can you make me a new BLT?" The relationship didn't last long but in hindsight, I don't regret my actions. My fellow Americans, this country needs someone who isn't afraid to take a stand!

"Is there anything beneficial about mayonnaise? No. Does it serve a valid purpose on Earth? No. Are lives improved because of it? No. The time to take action is now!"

(Please take a minute to vote on sidebar poll).


***You may have been taught that "Cinco de Mayo" means "The 5th of May" but it really means "Say no to mayo."