03 January 2008

You Decide 2008


All the recent endless Presidential Debates, ads, interviews, and today's Iowa Caucus got me thinking--what would I say in a Town Hall meeting if a concerned citizen stood up and asked me for my standpoint on mayonnaise?

"First of all, thank you for your question on this very important topic. If I were elected President, I would institute a Mayonnaise Prohibition as my first executive order. I would also increase government funding for the fledgling non-partisan Anti-Mayo Club. Mayonnaise is gross. It tastes gross. It looks gross. It feels gross. In a word, it is gross. Some ask me if I like Miracle Whip. Let me set the record straight: Miracle Whip and mayonnaise are one and the same. They're both white. They're both slimy. They're both gross.

"So why do we have mayonnaise? Because a gentleman named Louis-Francois-Armand du Plessis de Richelieu won a battle in Mahon, Spain and brought the recipe back to France in 1756. We're living in the 21st Century, folks. Let's eat like it, too.

"Mayonnaise is now being used on sandwiches, wraps, hamburgers, and in tuna salad, chicken salad, potato salad, and casseroles, to name a few. My economists tell me that this unnecessary and superfluous use of mayonnaise is directly correlated to the rising price of unrefined oil. Think of all the resources that instead could be channeled to solve our nation's current fuel crisis! In addition, my staff has crunched the numbers and determined that we can balance the budget if we cease all mayonnaise production. And you might be interested to know that Al Gore has declared that global warming is being caused by mayonnaise but, unfortunately, this scene was deleted from "An Unconventional Truth." Forget the Kyoto Protocol. We can stop global warming when we stop producing mayonnaise! Further, leading studies are showing that a universal healthcare program will not be necessary if people simply remove mayonnaise from their diets. Mayonnaise is more harmful than tobacco but the big mayonnaise producers are paying off Congress to keep this from their constituents. Obviously all of this is true because I'm speaking on the record.

"And another thing: why do food preparers assume everyone likes mayonnaise? I have been forced to go hungry many a time when catered lunches were served at work. Why can't they just include mayo packets with the sandwiches? It seems like a simple solution to me. Also, McDonald's automatically includes mayonnaise on their chicken sandwiches; I counter that it should be an option. And finally, the other day at Costco I noticed that the new turkey wraps are made with mayonnaise. You can't get one without it. I'll have my staff do some research but at first glance I think this is a violation of the 8th Amendment (unconstitutionality of cruel or unusual punishment.)

"I'd like to end with a personal anecdote: I once met a girl's parents for the first time over lunch. They had BLTs waiting when we got to their house. I had to ask for a custom-made BLT, without mayo. The conversation went something like this, "Hi, nice to meet you. I don't eat mayonnaise. Can you make me a new BLT?" The relationship didn't last long but in hindsight, I don't regret my actions. My fellow Americans, this country needs someone who isn't afraid to take a stand!

"Is there anything beneficial about mayonnaise? No. Does it serve a valid purpose on Earth? No. Are lives improved because of it? No. The time to take action is now!"

(Please take a minute to vote on sidebar poll).


***You may have been taught that "Cinco de Mayo" means "The 5th of May" but it really means "Say no to mayo."

8 comments:

Yaj said...

Hellmann, I like mayonnaise ... by the way, Hillary as her first executive order will be changing the company's name to Hillmann's Real Mayonnaise. The recipe will be changed from eggs to use cracked nuts... she'll have a big supply. Hellmann, think about it...

Yaj said...

Your poll question wording is biased and any answer would require typical, political parsing - you white, slimy liberal...

michal & david coombs said...

ha! i love it! although i also love potato and egg salad and blts.

two forks said...

i vote for christian!!! a move the white house would mean a washer and dryer, COUNTERS!!!, storage room, space, a garbage disposal!!! the list goes on and on!

shortino said...

Mayo's good stuff. So is Miracle Whip (and they're not the same). But I have to admit that I've moved to the light versions -- metabolism ain't quite like it used to be.

The Founding Fathers certainly wanted a nation that embraced Mayo. Abraham Lincoln even loved white sliminess.

"Cinco de Mayo" implies 5 different types of deliciousness -- and I can't wait until the sealed portions are revealed.

Jared said...

Mayonnaise is by far the nastiest substance on the face of the earth. New born baby tar-poop is in a close second....

jon erik said...

My Father provided for our Family by working at the local Mayo Factory! We wouldn't have had food on our table if it weren't for...well I don't remember the name of the company, but the point is that...well I don't remember the point, but...does Mayo consumption really cause memory loss?

Christina said...

Mayo is disgusting. Thank God for this post...