31 March 2008

March Madness?

I haven't watched a ton of games this NCAA Tournament (Robin might disagree), but I've watched enough to know the announcers are boneheads. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"They oughta wear mood rings in this game because the swings have been tremendous."

"This isn't Carmen Sandiego. These are the Toros of San Diego!"

"--and McNeil with the steal." "--That's why they call him McSteal, and now they might call him McThree!" (McNeil/McSteal/McThree subsequently made a three-point basket).

"Mbah a Moute blocked one. Kevin Love blocked one. It has been a block party here tonight!"

"Kansas knows what it's like to play in overtime in a championship game--1957 against UNC."

Meet Jay Bilas, the man responsible for most of these amazing comments. Jay, where do you get such inspiring insights? Could you teach me your gift? I want to say cool things like this while I'm watching sports at home so my friends will beat me up.

27 March 2008

C-Biscuit Music Video World Premiere: Popcorn Popping

Back in 2004 I recorded some songs and released them on an EP entitled Oh Pepper?. Only about 50 copies were made so if you have one, it would probably fetch quite a nice sum on eBay.


But due to technological limitations, I wasn't able to manifest my artistic vision for any of the songs in music video form until now. This is my version of the popular children's song, "Popcorn Popping." You know Spring is here when pollen is in the air and blossoms are on the trees. Welcome back, old friend.

This video is so exclusive you won't find it on MTV's TRL or VH1 Pop-Up Videos. Just sit back and enjoy what Oh Pepper? has to offer.

23 March 2008

Easter!



Happy Easter to all. You may be thinking to yourself, "Easter is in March this year. How weird. How do they calculate this holiday anyway?" Let me tell you: Easter Sunday is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. The aim of the Easter dating method is to maintain, for each Easter Sunday, the same season of the year and the same relationship to the preceding astronomical full moon that occurred at the time of Christ's resurrection in 30 A.D. There you have it.

You might be interested to know that the last time Easter was on March 23rd was in 1913 and the next time will be in 2160. So basically, today is pretty historical.


Past holiday greetings:

2007:


2006:


2005: Top-ten all-time holiday greeting.

20 March 2008

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

The results are in:


Because of the extremely high voter turnout on this poll, I sent an email asking MTV/VH1 to consider me in an upcoming reality TV show. Here's the email:



I think it's only a matter of time before they respond and offer me my own show. In the meantime, check out this amazing clip from a recent episode of Flavor of Love:

video

Watch closely for this:

1. The way Flav types with his index fingers. I actually know a lawyer who types just like this.
2. How excited Flav gets when he discovers the object of his internet research. Usually when I get just the right hit on Google, I yell "Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" too.
3. How the girls talk trash about the one who was on Oprah. They have every right to be suspicious that someone could be "star-searching." Everyone knows that the winning contestant on Flavor of Love will go far in life.

17 March 2008

St. Patrick's Day!



It's time again to eat some corned beef and cabbage, talk like a leprechaun, and wear green. I also set the DVR today to record Leprechaun starring Jennifer Aniston and Willow!!! What an amazing holiday.

Some of my favorite Irish things:

Irish Spring soap
Leprechauns
Conan O'Brien
The Guinness guys who say "Brilliant!"
The Thrills
Lucky Charms
Not Bono
"Danny Boy"
Jigs


Past holiday greetings:

2007. Brilliant! In case you don't understand this one you can watch this video.


2006. I guess I ran out of ideas this year (see 2004).


2005. Top ten all-time holiday greeting.


2004. Not bad for MS Paint.

13 March 2008

Pardon Mii

Due to wildly popular demand, here is the sequel to Excuse Mii.

Pardon the Interruption's Tony Kornheiser. He's also an announcer on Monday Night Football (but personally I think he should stick with PTI).


When people play our Wii, they usually ask if this Mii is Jesus. Nope, just my bearded ex-roommate, Tom. I made his Mii's shirt red because he loves the U of U so much. I don't think he would have done the same for me and BYU, though (he has a disorder).



The cool thing about the Pedro Mii is if you're hungry, he'll build you a cake or something.



The P.C. Mii is as nerdy as the guy on the Mac commercials so you should never use him for Wii Tennis. He stinks at sports, just like nerds in real life.



Whatever happened to Michael Jackson's nose? I guess we'll never know for sure. The annoying thing about the Michael Jackson Mii is I have to keep him separated from the children Miis.



I'll admit that before I spoke Italian, I always thought "Luigi" was pronounced "Loogie." And I just wish I could have been there for the planning meeting when a Japanese guy at Nintendo said, "Hey, I have this idea. Let's make a video game about two Italian plumber-brothers who hit bricks with their heads, eat mushrooms to grow, kill cute little animals by jumping on them, and have to save a princess from a weird dragon dinosaur. It'll be gold!"



Conan O'Brien Mii. Conan, you are my favorite late night host of all-time. I even wrote a blog about you before I had this blog. If you have any openings, I'd love to work for your show.



You probably don't know where the name Oh Pepper? came from or what the picture is at the top of my blog. Let's just say this could be a hint.

10 March 2008

Why Flavor Flav Is Better Than Me: An Essay



I will admit that I sometimes watch the VH1 show, Flavor of Love. Not every episode, but you know, if it's on I'll stop on the channel for a few minutes. It's like a car wreck on the side of the road: you just have to watch as you drive by.

Here's the premise: a 49-year-old ex-rapper with 7 children from multiple mothers is the center of attention as 20 younger women compete on TV to be his love interest. When you think about it, it's really not that unlike The Bachelor. But then after a closer look you realize it is. For example, I remember watching an episode a couple seasons ago with my friend Ben where one of the contestants went to the bathroom (number 2) on the stairs in the mansion where they were staying. You just wouldn't get stuff like that on The Bachelor.

So, every time I watch the show I say to Robin, "How does this guy have a TV show? How can these girls really fall in love with him? How has this been on for 3 seasons? Just look at him!" Thoughts like this got me pretty depressed. How come Flavor Flav has a TV show and I don't? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he deserves a show where women fight over him and I don't. Here's why:

1. Gold teeth. I don't even have one filling but this guy has a whole mouthful of gold! A girl knows that she'll never go hungry if she's with him--no matter how low his bank account gets, he can always cash in his canines.

2. People actually watch his show. The Season 2 Finale set an all-time cable television record with 7.5 million viewers. I struggle to get 40 people to read this blog on good days so I wouldn't stand a chance on TV.

3. His old rap band, Public Enemy, has sold millions of albums. Their second album was voted by Time and Rolling Stone as one of the 100 greatest albums of all-time. I know you're thinking, "But, Christian, you released an EP!" Yes, that's true but I think only 50 copies were produced and none of my singles ever got radio play. (Look for my first video to be released this Spring, though).

4. He has more clocks than me. I do have a lot of Swatches, but they're small and I can't wear them around my neck like he does.

5. For three years in a row, he's gotten 20 girls to fight over him on TV. I've never had anyone fight over me (but I do have an ex-girlfriend and ex-fiance' in our ward at church so that could happen once Robin decides to clean house).


6. He has a catch phrase that people yell: "Fla-vor FLAV!" No one really says anything when I walk into the room, except for maybe, "Hey, can you get me a blanket on your way over to the couch?"

7. He has a nickname. His real name is William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. but somehow he became Flavor Flav. I know you're thinking, "But Christian, people call you C-Biscuit!" Yeah, but no one really calls me that and I made it up for myself, so it's pretty dorky. Nicknames are cool only when someone else starts it up for you and people actually call you it.

8. He's more creative than I am. For example, on the first episode he gives all the girls nicknames. But, instead of spelling these nicknames normally, he finds a new way to do it. This season one is named "Miami" but he spells it "Myammee." That's genius. I'm too good of a speller to have thought of that. Another girl is named "Gravy" but he spells it "Grayvee." Wow! There's also "Seasons" spelled "Seezins." You see what I mean. Creative.

9. He's been on Conan O'Brien. I haven't. Here's the clip. You gotta love the guy even more after watching this.

10. No one has ever dressed up like me for Halloween. Here's a picture of my friend, Johnny, a couple years ago (I was GOB from Arrested Development). I think we all know you've arrived once people want to be you for Halloween. Until then, Flavor Flav is definitely better than me.


Season 3 of Flavor of Love selected some of the contestants based on an internet vote. So, I figure the best way to get VH1's attention is to hold an online vote of my own. You can vote on the sidebar if you would watch a reality TV show starring me.

06 March 2008

Go Speed Racer


Yesterday I was minding my own business, driving home on Rt. 520. I was pondering whether my next laptop should be a Mac or PC when I looked over and noticed that Bill Gates was driving his green Mercedes next to me. I was a little surprised to see that a robot programmed with Windows wasn't driving for him. Bill was behind the wheel. (I think he was a sign I should get a PC.)

We both took the 108th Avenue exit, which has two lanes in its off-ramp; I was in the left, he was in the right. The line in the right lane was backed up so he totally swerved into my lane and cut me off! (Billionaires think they can do anything.) Then someone else further up did the same thing and we both slammed on the brakes (see photo below.)


I nearly hit him! Most of me is glad I didn't hit him, but it would have made for a better story. Plus I was driving Robin's ghetto Altima so we would have had a good excuse to get a sweet new XTerra. On the other hand I would have given him whiplash, which I bet isn't too pleasant. And I do like my job and I don't know if I would have been able to hide my badge or parking pass in time. On the other hand, can you imagine getting out of your car to exchange insurance information with Bill Gates as hundreds of cars drove by during rush hour? That really would have made for a better story.

04 March 2008

National Grammar Day!



Maybe next year we can celebrate the big day together. If your not too busy, that is.