10 March 2008

Why Flavor Flav Is Better Than Me: An Essay

I will admit that I sometimes watch the VH1 show, Flavor of Love. Not every episode, but you know, if it's on I'll stop on the channel for a few minutes. It's like a car wreck on the side of the road: you just have to watch as you drive by.

Here's the premise: a 49-year-old ex-rapper with 7 children from multiple mothers is the center of attention as 20 younger women compete on TV to be his love interest. When you think about it, it's really not that unlike The Bachelor. But then after a closer look you realize it is. For example, I remember watching an episode a couple seasons ago with my friend Ben where one of the contestants went to the bathroom (number 2) on the stairs in the mansion where they were staying. You just wouldn't get stuff like that on The Bachelor.

So, every time I watch the show I say to Robin, "How does this guy have a TV show? How can these girls really fall in love with him? How has this been on for 3 seasons? Just look at him!" Thoughts like this got me pretty depressed. How come Flavor Flav has a TV show and I don't? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he deserves a show where women fight over him and I don't. Here's why:

1. Gold teeth. I don't even have one filling but this guy has a whole mouthful of gold! A girl knows that she'll never go hungry if she's with him--no matter how low his bank account gets, he can always cash in his canines.

2. People actually watch his show. The Season 2 Finale set an all-time cable television record with 7.5 million viewers. I struggle to get 40 people to read this blog on good days so I wouldn't stand a chance on TV.

3. His old rap band, Public Enemy, has sold millions of albums. Their second album was voted by Time and Rolling Stone as one of the 100 greatest albums of all-time. I know you're thinking, "But, Christian, you released an EP!" Yes, that's true but I think only 50 copies were produced and none of my singles ever got radio play. (Look for my first video to be released this Spring, though).

4. He has more clocks than me. I do have a lot of Swatches, but they're small and I can't wear them around my neck like he does.

5. For three years in a row, he's gotten 20 girls to fight over him on TV. I've never had anyone fight over me (but I do have an ex-girlfriend and ex-fiance' in our ward at church so that could happen once Robin decides to clean house).

6. He has a catch phrase that people yell: "Fla-vor FLAV!" No one really says anything when I walk into the room, except for maybe, "Hey, can you get me a blanket on your way over to the couch?"

7. He has a nickname. His real name is William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. but somehow he became Flavor Flav. I know you're thinking, "But Christian, people call you C-Biscuit!" Yeah, but no one really calls me that and I made it up for myself, so it's pretty dorky. Nicknames are cool only when someone else starts it up for you and people actually call you it.

8. He's more creative than I am. For example, on the first episode he gives all the girls nicknames. But, instead of spelling these nicknames normally, he finds a new way to do it. This season one is named "Miami" but he spells it "Myammee." That's genius. I'm too good of a speller to have thought of that. Another girl is named "Gravy" but he spells it "Grayvee." Wow! There's also "Seasons" spelled "Seezins." You see what I mean. Creative.

9. He's been on Conan O'Brien. I haven't. Here's the clip. You gotta love the guy even more after watching this.

10. No one has ever dressed up like me for Halloween. Here's a picture of my friend, Johnny, a couple years ago (I was GOB from Arrested Development). I think we all know you've arrived once people want to be you for Halloween. Until then, Flavor Flav is definitely better than me.

Season 3 of Flavor of Love selected some of the contestants based on an internet vote. So, I figure the best way to get VH1's attention is to hold an online vote of my own. You can vote on the sidebar if you would watch a reality TV show starring me.


two forks said...

wait, didn't you set a recording on our dvr to save the whole season? that doesn't sound like "if it's on i'll stop on the channel for a few minutes" kind of tv viewing to me...

Jerkolas said...

You know someone dressed up like me for halloween this year. I guess I am kind of like Flavor Flav.

Reed F said...

I watched your reality show for four years at BYU. I'm still reeling.

Yaj said...

I admit to running across that classic once while channel surfing, and watched the side-of-the-road carnage for, oh, 6 seconds. Amazing... Even though I come from a family with a long line of cool nicknames (given by someone else, myself included), I doubt I could ever attract such a retinooo of wimens...

Amanda said...

I'm with Reed. My favorite episode from your life was about 4 years ago at a little St. Patty's Day party where you and a person of the opposite sex were in your own world on the couch. Classic.

Shauna said...

I vote Jonny B should be the next Flava Flav! Heavens knows he needs a woman, not even 20, just one. :)

rachel tanner said...

Wait! How come some people would rather eat MAYONNAISE THAN WATCH YOUR SHOW? watching your show would be like watching My Fair Brady:Maybe Baby?-but not really.. and that would be totally awesome. It would be called CHRIS-TOWN & friends.(:
So in conclusion...I would definitely watch your show than eat mayonnaise because-mayonnaise is gross and should be banned.(except in tuna..)

shortino said...

By the way -- awesome halloween costume. I tried to convince some friends of mine in the ward to go as hot cops this past year. They loved the idea, put didn't make an attempt. I've always wanted to do a GOB magic show for a ward talent show. Haven't had the opportunity yet. We'll see.

I'd watch your show. It's time for you to go video.

Nick and Tara said...

Arrested Development is my favorite show. You just got boosted many many degrees in my "is he good enough for robin" scale.