28 May 2008

Mom Jeans

They say every fashion style makes a comeback if you wait long enough. So, like the rest of you, I have been counting down the years when mom jeans would make theirs. You just can't find a suitable substitute for the high waist, front pleats, flattering butt, and slimming cuffs. Well, our wait is over. The guy at Gap just told me they are discontinuing boot fit jeans. This means one thing: mom jeans are coming back!

Everyone wants this again.

Just a couple weeks ago I was at a work meeting with a bunch of computer programmers. Now, I think we could agree that a stereotype programmers face is that they're not always socially adept or fashion-conscious. Not this time. Most were wearing jeans like these:

I thought to myself, "Don't these guys know these jeans were cool back in the early 1990's?" I judged these poor programmers in my head. But who's laughing now? They waited so long to buy in-style jeans that now they can just keep on wearing what they already have. This must be the Circle of Life that Elton John was talking about. (But what's a Honky Cat?)

23 May 2008

Keeping It Real

It's not hard to find amazing quotes on VH1's Flavor of Love. Just look at what Flav said in the Season 3 Finale to Black:

So for the quote of the week how about this one later in the episode, from Black to Flavor Flav:

(Yes, she said, "wich," not "with.") Sorry Black, but it looks like the winning Flavorette, Thing 2, is the one keeping it real with your man Flav.

21 May 2008

Trapped Under The Desk

You may have heard of R. Kelly’s hip-hopera entitled “Trapped in the Closet,” but have you heard my story when I was trapped under the desk?

**Warning: the above link contains some bad language but I couldn't find an edited version, plus it's the funniest chapter**

I worked at a law firm for my first job after college. I lived with my Dad and had to drive about 40 miles on I-66 to Tysons Corner during rush hour. I just couldn’t live with the traffic and commute so after a few months I started waking up at 5 am, drove to work when there was barely any traffic, and slept in my car in the parking lot until work started at 9. I stopped doing this because 1) I got too cold when winter came around 2) I didn’t fit very well all curled up in the backseat of my Civic.

So I did the next logical thing: I slept under my desk in my cubicle. I brought in blankets and pillows and made a little nest for myself. I usually woke up at 8 before anyone else got there and read for an hour until work started. This worked great for a while until one morning when the office manager came in early. This wouldn’t have been a big deal but we shared the same cubicle. She sat right across from me. Yikes! I didn’t know what to do; I couldn’t just pop up out of nowhere and log in at 9 am like everything was normal. But the woman wouldn’t leave her desk! I just laid there looking at my watch. 8:30 came and went. Then 8:45. Then 9:00. At this point I would have texted a co-worker to distract her but I didn't have a cell phone in those days. If I didn’t log in now, I would be late and the HR Nazis would put my name on a list. Finally she turned to answer her phone around 9:15. I hopped up and prayed she wouldn’t notice that I suddenly appeared at my desk out of nowhere. Nothing really happened but I decided I couldn’t sleep there anymore.

So, I did the next logical thing: I slept in an unused office. This worked great for weeks. I moved my nest into the empty office across the hall from my cubicle and had a great sleep each morning from 5:30 until 8:00 or so. When I was done, I just rolled up my blankets and pillows and stuffed them into the corner under the desk and went to work. Well, this worked great until one fateful morning. Here’s how I described it to my co-worker in an email later that day:

'My face was turned to the wall and I was on my side, covered in a blanket. He came in with a booming voice saying that he didn't need a computer or email and that an office with just a desk would do. Then he saw me, stopped in his tracks, and left very quietly, closing the door behind him...'

Apparently a visiting attorney was in our office early that morning. The head partner of the firm, whose office happened to be next door to my bedroom, told this attorney he could use the office where I was sleeping but that there was no computer, phone, or internet. I was awakened when I heard the visiting attorney yelling back that he didn’t need an office with a computer and that this one would be fine. Well, I guess the office wasn’t suitable for working what with a sleeping body on the floor under the desk. I didn’t know what to do so I just froze (which wasn’t hard because I was already lying still). Luckily the attorney left and didn’t come back. I have no idea where he worked that day, but it wasn’t in my bedroom.

15 May 2008

Wholesome Swimwear

It's almost summer and you know what that means: swimsuit season! Recently a modest swimsuit line called Wholesome Wear was brought to my attention. These swimsuits are more modest and less revealing than you'd think possible. Here's what their website says about their products:

'Our WaterWear is the first to be introduced because the need for modesty is greatest and the supply is almost non-existent. Swimwear that "highlights the face rather than the body" includes an undergarment with bright colors at the neck and shoulder to draw the eye to the face.'

Here's an example:

Wow, I really could feel my eyes drawn to their faces. That's pretty amazing. But to see if this new style of suit is really right for me, obviously I had to try one on myself:

After searching through the various models, I personally decided on the Extended Slimming Swimmer model because of the leggings, as shown in the photo. I feel that by wearing this suit, my body won't be objectified by wandering eyes of the opposite sex. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. It's about time someone came out with a swimsuit I can wear to dress modestly and still enjoy the ocean, lake, or backyard pool. Plus, I'm sure to attract some Amish babes with this thing. Thank you, Wholesome Wear. Summer, here I come!

After trying out this swimsuit and seeing how great it is, I realized that Robin needs one, too. So, I wrote Wholesome Wear an email with some questions. Here it is:

Unfortunately, I still haven't heard back from them so I guess I will have to choose a suit for Robin on my own. Maybe you can help me by voting on the poll. Here are the three choices:

Which should I get for Robin? Cast your vote on the sidebar!

As of May 25, the results are in:

11 May 2008

Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all, and especially to my very own mother! These flowers are just for you. But because I don't think you read my blog, you may not ever receive them. But in case you do, mother, here is a Mother's Day haiku I wrote for you:

I love Mother's Day,
The second Sunday of May.
Hey, that is today!
Woodrow Wilson was
The President who declared
In Nineteen-fourteen
That mothers deserve
Their own day to be honored
And get some flowers.
Now Mother's Day is
The most popular day to
Eat out, all year long!

Past holiday greetings:

2006: I also had a Harley when I was 2.

2005: Sure enough, I moved out when I was 19.

08 May 2008

BYU Police Beat: Winter 2008 Edition

Everyone knows that police officers put their lives in harm's way every day on the job. Just ask the Hot Cops. But did you know of the extreme dangers BYU police officers face as they keep my alma mater's campus safe? Thanks to the BYU Police Beat, now you can read about some of the hazardous and perilous incidents the BYU campus police dealt with last semester. It turns out Happy Valley isn't so happy after all:

April 15: A resident of May Hall was caught lighting toilet paper on fire in the men's restroom. Police are questioning him.

April 14: A student called BYU Police when she saw a creepy looking person smoking by the Administration Building.

April 13: Police questioned several students as to why they were looking in the windows of the Cannon Center. The students said that they thought they saw someone in the Cannon Center stealing school property, but when they got closer, they realized it was the reflection of the streetlights.

April 12: A female student was driving her car when she noticed that it was pulling severely to the right. When she went to take it into a shop to receive an alignment, she realized that her tires were deflated. Her tire valve wires had been cut. Police asked her if she has any known enemies and they now have several suspects.

April 11: Drivers called BYU police when they saw students launching eggs from the balcony of Heritage Halls onto cars. When police responded no one was seen with eggs.

April 11: BYU police received a call that four male students were using the Helaman Halls pool even though it was not open yet. When the police officer arrived he was able to locate the students because they were the only students walking home wet.

April 11: Someone stole 1,000 square feet of sod from west of Helaman Halls. Police have no suspects.
April 10: BYU police responded when they heard an explosion near a Helaman Halls dorm. Upon further investigation they discovered the remnants of an Axe Body Deodorant Spray Can. They have no suspects.

April 10: A BYU Bookstore employee was suspicious of a male shopper who tried to return two French books without an ID or a receipt. After being questioned, BYU police determined that the student's brother-in-law had bought the books for the student to take on his mission. The student did not want them and was trying to return them.

April 9: A female student called her own cell phone after she discovered that it was missing. A person she did not know picked up the phone and refused to return it to her. The thief is now sending her friends text messages and sending them on erroneous "missions" to recover the phone. Her phone has not yet been recovered.

April 8: A male student's signature card was stolen from the weight room of the Richards Building. The thief has made several small purchases and the case is currently under investigation.

April 8: The father of a student called BYU police when he had not heard from his daughter for four days. BYU police called the student and told her to call her father.

April 8: A 6-year-old boy called the police when his 9-year-old brother would not let him watch television. BYU police checked the situation to make sure the boys were supervised. Both boys were fine.

April 6: BYU police received a call of four suspicious characters writing on the sidewalk in front of the Missionary Training Center.The officer asked them to clean the sidewalk while he ran their ID's. He discovered that one of the females had a warrant out for her arrest for failing to appear in court on a traffic violation. She was arrested.

April 6: BYU police cited two juveniles for theft when they discovered them reaching through the closed security gate in the Grab-and-Go to steal bags of chips. The individuals were visiting BYU campus from California on a youth trip where they were also attending General Conference.

April 4: A Wymount resident tried to call the police after she and her husband got into a fight and she felt threatened. Her husband ripped the phone out of the wall and ran into the bathroom threatening to do damage to himself with a knife. BYU police responded and the man was arrested on counts of threatening with a deadly weapon and interrupting a communications device.

April 4: BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA's hair with duct tape and would stab another TA's foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.

April 1: BYU police responded to a call reporting a tampering with the BYU sign on University and Canyon Rd. Students had placed paper letters over the sign "Enter to learn, go forth to serve" to make it read "Enter to date and to mate."

April 1: BYU police discovered several students from NewsNet trespassing in the Deseret Towers demolition site. The student said they had heard U Hall was going to be blown up and were waiting to witness it. When the officer asked them to tell him the date the students realized they were the victims of an April Fool's Day prank.

March 29: A group of adolescent females called BYU police when an elderly female accosted and threatened them in the bathroom. The girls all went to use the restrooms at the same time and the woman was upset that there was no open stall. Police were not able to locate the elderly female.

March 28: Two BYU students received citations for skateboarding on campus. The students had received a warning from another BYU police officer five minutes prior to their second encounter with the police.

March 27: Students received a strong verbal warning from a BYU police officer when they were caught trying to blind drivers by shining light in their eyes with small hand-held mirrors.

March 26: A female student called BYU police when she noticed a man sitting in a parked car near the Smith Field House. When she approached the car she realized that the man was wearing only a tee shirt. When police arrived the man was nowhere to be found.

March 26: The mother of a BYU student called the police when she suspected that her daughter's roommate stole her butter knife. The mother later called to drop the charges.

March 24: Construction workers called BYU police when they discovered that several orange cones were missing from their construction site at Deseret Towers. Upon investigation, BYU police discovered that the cones were being used by a group of students for a frisbee game on DT field.

March 23: The Human Resource department received a threatening phone call from a 43-year-old man whose job application was recently rejected. When BYU police contacted the man, he apologized for his behavior and said he would not call again.

March 22: A resident assistant called BYU police when she became suspicious that students were lighting firecrackers in their room. The students were setting off the fireworks in a metal garbage can and promised to stop.

March 22: An employee from the Creamery on Ninth called BYU police when she saw several students eating brownies they had not paid for. After questioning the individuals, they determined that the students had been given permission to eat the day-old brownies free of charge.

March 21: BYU police received a call reporting a male dressed in a bright yellow suit looking for duck eggs near the duck pond. When police arrived as the scene the man was nowhere to be found.

March 20: A 24-year-old male student was arrested after he drove his car down the ramp south of campus and then tried to evade the police. The student entered a dark covered parking lot in order to evade the police, but the officer could still see his brake lights and arrested him. He was charged with reckless driving, attempting to evade the police and driving without insurance. He is currently booked in the Utah County Jail.

March 20: A mother was walking through the Wilkinson Student Center when she noticed a male BYU student following her. When she stopped walking, he approached her and touched her children’s legs. She called BYU police and they questioned the student who admitted to harassing mothers and their children in the past. He said he would try not to bother mothers again.

March 15: A resident of Heritage Halls called BYU police to report a group of men playing basketball and listening to loud music at 12:30 a.m. BYU police told the men to stop playing and go to bed.

March 14: BYU police cited a male student when they observed him riding a golf cart on campus at 11 p.m. The student said he had brought the golf cart from home and was now driving it on campus at night.

March 14: A student called BYU police when she noticed three suspicious males walking around a parking lot. When police responded they determined that the suspicious males were actually grounds crew who had been picking up trash.

March 13: A female student was cited for shoplifting in the BYU Bookstore. The student stole $3.69 worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. When asked why she stole them she said that she thought they were overpriced.When searched officers found $72 in cash on her person.

March 13: A student says his vehicle has been the target of vandalism on three separate occasions since November 2007. Ketchup has been poured on the hood and the spark plug wires have been severed. He believed he knows who is doing this to his car but will not tell the police.

March 12: A male student posted fliers in female dorm halls asking for dates to satisfy a dating requirement for his marriage preparation class. The fliers not only violate BYU policy but were disturbing female residents. Police discovered that the student was not enrolled in that class and the professor he said he had has retired.

March 11: A BYU police officer observed a 25-year-old male stumbling across a parking lot near LaVell Edwards Stadium. The man, who smelled of alcohol, said he had not been drinking but when officers asked if he was lying he said yes. The man was cited for public intoxication and is not a BYU student.

March 10: Officers responded when they received a call that an adult duck was placed in a female dorm in Helaman Halls. The officers captured the frightened duck and returned it to the duck pond.

March 10: Residents of Wymount called BYU police when they noticed a suspicious male in their commons area. None of the residents recognized the man, who had been sitting and watching children play for an hour. When an officer responded they discovered that the man was watching his sister's children while she was out of the house and had taken them to the playground. His story checked out but when the officers ran his information they discovered a warrant for his arrest. They promptly arrested the man, who had failed to appear in court for a speeding ticket.

March 9: A male BYU student received a threatening text message indicating he would die. The student responded with a text message saying that he would take the sender of the text message with him. There are no known suspects.

March 9: BYU police pulled over a car for speeding. The driver had a suspended license. When he was tested for alcohol consumption BYU police determined that he was intoxicated. The driver admitted he had been drinking but said he drove because he was the least drunk off all of the people in the car. When tested, he had twice the legal limit amount of alcohol in his body.

March 3: A driver called BYU police after he was cut off two times by the same speeding vehicle, which was driving faster than 50 mph and weaving in and out of lanes. When the driver stopped at a traffic light he wrote down the reckless driver's license plate. When the reckless driver saw someone writing down his license plate he ran the red light. BYU police tracked down the driver and issued a citation. The driver said he could not figure out why someone was complaining about his driving.

March 1: BYU police received a call reporting suspicious behavior in a Heritage Hall parking lot. Individuals were seen running around the parking lot and looking into cars. Upon investigation it was determined that the students were chasing deer around the lot.

Feb. 11: A BYU custodian was threatened by a group of people playing a pick-up game of soccer in the Smith Field House. The custodian confronted the group because they were not complying with regulations. They yelled at him and threatened to mess him up. The ringleader was not a BYU Student and BYU Police asked him to leave the premises.

Feb 11: A female Wymount resident received a suspicious phone call in her home at 1:30 p.m. The male caller claimed to be from the psychology department and said he could try to help her relax. He got her to turn off the lights and lay down on her bed. The phone call ended when the girl's cell phone battery died. BYU Police told her she should notify her phone company next time she receives a call so that they can trace it.

Feb. 8: Workers at the Cougareat called BYU police when they received a counterfeit $20 bill. Upon investigation it was determined that the bill was not counterfeit and was actual legal tender.

05 May 2008

Cinco de Mayo!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Cinco de Mayo fun facts maybe you didn't know:
  • It is Spanish for "Fifth of May."

  • It commemorates an initial victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.

  • A common misconception in the United States is that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day. In fact, Mexico's Independence Day is September 16.

Past holiday greetings:

2007: Hey ABC, I'm available to do Dancing with the Stars next season (with Julianne Hough please.)

2006: Most people don't know this is what "Cinco de Mayo" really means in Spanish.

2005: I bet you didn't know I've met President Bush. Actually twice.