27 August 2008

Take Your Child To Work Day

Well, yesterday was Take Your Child To Work Day here at work. I don't have any kids yet (not a fan of the poopy diapers) so of course I took My Buddy. We had a grand time!


I let him choose a drink when we got there. (I usually try not to let him have too much caffeine; it's not good for armadillos.)



Then he helped me check my email (he's good with the mouse.)



We had lunch together and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine outside. He wanted to know why some people are vegetarians. I told him I had no idea.



We also made some copies together. His claws are like built-in staple removers.



Then he helped me pitch my big idea in the Conference Room. Having him by my side gave me the confidence I needed to persuade the Board.



All in all it was a great day but by the end, we were ready to go home.

22 August 2008

Dear Skymall,

It has come to my attention that persons at your Skymall headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona, read my recent blog entry entitled Skymall: Going Beyond the Ordinary. These persons made multiple return trips to my blog on the mornings of August 20 and August 21. You probably didn't realize that Oh Pepper? had the resources to know that your IP address is 204.48.10.20, that your server is called janus.skymall.com, or that you accessed Oh Pepper? with various internet browsers at different times, but it does.

I don't know how you found my blog or why you are reading it, but
I can only assume that your intentions are malicious. I vow that if you attempt to suppress my rights to free speech in any way, you can be sure I will fight you to the bitter end.

So Skymall, if you want me, why don't you come and get me! You could drive up here to Seattle in the Cruizin' Cooler. It probably gets great mileage. Maybe if you get hungry you could cook yourself a delicious dog in your Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker (don't forget the bun) and bust out the Caddie Cooler for a cold and refreshing beverage. And when you need a little rest for your weary head, why not relax in a sitting position on the Skyrest Travel Pillow? Lucky for you, all of these amazing products are available in one place (and you probably get a discount.)

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit


**Addendum: As of 8/26, Oh Pepper? has been accessed 15 times by persons at Skymall headquarters.

20 August 2008

Skymall: Going Beyond the Ordinary

When I was younger I used to think that Skymall was a store on board the plane. I thought that if you ordered something, you just paid the flight attendant and picked it up on your way out. I figured it was there for travelers who needed a last minute gift or souvenir for the people they were visiting or coming home to. I always wondered where they stored everything but never thought to ask. Now that I'm older, I know that Skymall is actually a catalog of crap in the sky. A recent flight gave me the chance to see just what goodies were for sale. Here are some of my favorites:

Cruzin' Cooler: $399.99
When will you ever find yourself in a position where you'll need to ride a motorized chest cooler? Either get a cooler or a scooter, but why combine the two? This reminds me of Jemaine's camera phone on Flight of the Conchords.


I would consider myself a golfer but I would never consider using the Caddie Cooler. I just don't think the ridicule for getting a drink to squirt out of a fake golf club outweighs the option of throwing down a cold one on the course. Why can't you just pack a water bottle in your bag?


Jumpin Jammerz: $59.99
Is there a reason in this photo why there's one guy surrounded by eight girls in their Jumpin' Jammerz? I think it's because they couldn't get more than one male to actually wear these things, even for the ad. These were cool when you were little but you'll face the same problems today as you did back then when you need to go to the bathroom. Let's face it, there's a reason why people don't wear one-piece underwear or pajamas anymore.

Is it just me or does this remind you of those people in Africa who purposefully stretch out their necks using metal rings? This thing is huge! There's nothing komfortable about it. Plus I really hate when advertisers spell words wrong trying to be cute and clever about it. Here the double K's just aren't necessary.


Skyrest Travel Pillow: $29.95
Picture yourself spending 5-10 minutes blowing this thing up before takeoff. The person next to you will ask, "Hey man, what are you doing?" and you'll respond, "Just blowing up my Skyrest Travel Pillow so I can get some rest. I find the rigors of air travel to be very tiring." You'll be the biggest dork on the plane, if you weren't already. People will come from all over the cabin to stare at you while you sleep. Pictures of you will appear on blogs and personal websites everywhere. Have you ever seen someone using this on a flight? Me either.


I do love the name of this item. And it actually seems like a good idea. The thing I take issue with is that they sell these things in sizes up to XXL. Face it, if you're a XXL, Sassybax isn't gonna put some sass in your back.


Pop-Up Hotdog Cooker: $49.95
My personal Skymall favorite. This is a perfect invention for when I want a hot dog cooked in its own specialized toaster alongside its warm, toasty bun. I can just imagine those delicious, aromatic hot dog juices accumulating in a tray in the bottom. Maybe I could soak them up with my perfectly toasted bun. Mmmm, delicious!


This ring brought Frodo and Bilbo nothing but pain, loneliness, and conflict. Did we learn nothing from Lord of the Rings???


World's Largest Crossword Puzzle: $29.95
Perfect for the world's largest dorks who need to decorate the world's largest wall. Can you really imagine finding yourself bored with a half hour to spare and thinking to yourself, "Well, maybe I should get my butt off this couch and go to work on the World's Largest Crossword Puzzle on the wall over there. It's not going to fill itself out." This is the kind of thing that you'd find on Trading Spaces BEFORE the renovation took place. Afterwards it would be replaced with some chintzy homemade crap they got at Home Depot for $5 (they're on a budget, you know).


I always thought the point of walking your dog was so it could get some exercise. But what do I know? After I predicted that the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie would bomb, I realized that I'm not as smart as I think (it made over $200 million).

15 August 2008

Parenting Lesson #1

When your kid comes home from school and tells you that a bully was pushing him around, show him this picture:



Then say, "Son, at least you're not a six-legged deer. Imagine how the other deer treat this freak."

Who wouldn't feel better after hearing that? Life is all about putting things in perspective.

12 August 2008

Why I Love the Olympics: A Photo Essay


Pre-game trash talking by the French: "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for."


France lead after 7 of 8 laps.


France lead after 7 1/2 laps.


France lead after 7 3/4 laps.


France lead after 7 7/8 laps.


But who won?


The United States.


Victory!


Defeat.


Triumph!


Failure.


First place. Gold Medal. New World Record.


Second place. Silver Medal. Lesson Learned.


Au revoir.

08 August 2008

Ni Hao China!



The Olympics are here! And who doesn't like the Olympics? It's the one time every four years that your hobby can win you a gold necklace and score you some chicks. You know what I'm talking about, table tennis players. Too bad they got rid of the Tug-of-War back in '24. And I have a complaint for you, NBC: after all these years of your "comprehensive" Olympics coverage, I still don't know what the heck handball is. For some reason you focus on boring sports like basketball, gymnastics, and swimming. Like those are more important than handball. Also, Bob Costas is an idiot.

Unfortunately I didn't qualify for Team USA to represent my country in Beijing this year, but here are some photos of me in past Olympics:



Seoul 1988 Soccer Team. You might say to yourself, "Whatever Christian, you are so young in this picture (and skinny.) This must have been the Junior Olympics." Nope, I was just that good.



Athens 2004 Dock Jumping Team. This was still a demonstration sport in 2004 but this year it's legit. Look at that form. I would have won the gold. And isn't the Mediterranean beautiful?



Sydney 2000 Dodge Ball Team. Some say the movie was inspired by my performance. It's amazing what a gold medal will do for your career.



Torino 2006 Ski Team. You probably didn't even know I was on this team because of that media hog Bode Miller but here I am. This is right before I won the Downhill Slalom Super G. You can see Torino in the background. Italy is so beautiful.



Atlanta 1996 Track & Field Team. Usually when people see this picture they want to know how I stretched my body like that. I say, "The better question is how did I get those shorts on???"


So, Team USA athletes, good luck this year in Beijing. Just do your best and you'll look back at your time as an Olympiad with fond memories like I do.

05 August 2008

Greatest Marketing Ploy of the 21st Century



Dear Car Owners,

So basically you paid a car dealership thousands of dollars for a new car and now you're unnecessarily giving them free advertising everywhere you go? Thanks, I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly.

Sincerely,

C-Biscuit

01 August 2008

Celebrate National Eye Exam Month


"Basically, I think you're gonna need extra large contacts."