20 August 2008

Skymall: Going Beyond the Ordinary

When I was younger I used to think that Skymall was a store on board the plane. I thought that if you ordered something, you just paid the flight attendant and picked it up on your way out. I figured it was there for travelers who needed a last minute gift or souvenir for the people they were visiting or coming home to. I always wondered where they stored everything but never thought to ask. Now that I'm older, I know that Skymall is actually a catalog of crap in the sky. A recent flight gave me the chance to see just what goodies were for sale. Here are some of my favorites:

Cruzin' Cooler: $399.99
When will you ever find yourself in a position where you'll need to ride a motorized chest cooler? Either get a cooler or a scooter, but why combine the two? This reminds me of Jemaine's camera phone on Flight of the Conchords.

I would consider myself a golfer but I would never consider using the Caddie Cooler. I just don't think the ridicule for getting a drink to squirt out of a fake golf club outweighs the option of throwing down a cold one on the course. Why can't you just pack a water bottle in your bag?

Jumpin Jammerz: $59.99
Is there a reason in this photo why there's one guy surrounded by eight girls in their Jumpin' Jammerz? I think it's because they couldn't get more than one male to actually wear these things, even for the ad. These were cool when you were little but you'll face the same problems today as you did back then when you need to go to the bathroom. Let's face it, there's a reason why people don't wear one-piece underwear or pajamas anymore.

Is it just me or does this remind you of those people in Africa who purposefully stretch out their necks using metal rings? This thing is huge! There's nothing komfortable about it. Plus I really hate when advertisers spell words wrong trying to be cute and clever about it. Here the double K's just aren't necessary.

Skyrest Travel Pillow: $29.95
Picture yourself spending 5-10 minutes blowing this thing up before takeoff. The person next to you will ask, "Hey man, what are you doing?" and you'll respond, "Just blowing up my Skyrest Travel Pillow so I can get some rest. I find the rigors of air travel to be very tiring." You'll be the biggest dork on the plane, if you weren't already. People will come from all over the cabin to stare at you while you sleep. Pictures of you will appear on blogs and personal websites everywhere. Have you ever seen someone using this on a flight? Me either.

I do love the name of this item. And it actually seems like a good idea. The thing I take issue with is that they sell these things in sizes up to XXL. Face it, if you're a XXL, Sassybax isn't gonna put some sass in your back.

Pop-Up Hotdog Cooker: $49.95
My personal Skymall favorite. This is a perfect invention for when I want a hot dog cooked in its own specialized toaster alongside its warm, toasty bun. I can just imagine those delicious, aromatic hot dog juices accumulating in a tray in the bottom. Maybe I could soak them up with my perfectly toasted bun. Mmmm, delicious!

This ring brought Frodo and Bilbo nothing but pain, loneliness, and conflict. Did we learn nothing from Lord of the Rings???

World's Largest Crossword Puzzle: $29.95
Perfect for the world's largest dorks who need to decorate the world's largest wall. Can you really imagine finding yourself bored with a half hour to spare and thinking to yourself, "Well, maybe I should get my butt off this couch and go to work on the World's Largest Crossword Puzzle on the wall over there. It's not going to fill itself out." This is the kind of thing that you'd find on Trading Spaces BEFORE the renovation took place. Afterwards it would be replaced with some chintzy homemade crap they got at Home Depot for $5 (they're on a budget, you know).

I always thought the point of walking your dog was so it could get some exercise. But what do I know? After I predicted that the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie would bomb, I realized that I'm not as smart as I think (it made over $200 million).


two forks said...

your bit about the hot dog juices just made me barf!

'L' said...

Crap, so I guess I will have to take back your big birthday present...

...But I thought you loved crossword puzzles?!

The Edwards Clan said...

I seriously have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard right now! I LOVE your commentary on these items. Hilarious.

Michael said...

I know I am going to find one of those caddie coolers in your bag the next time we go golfing. I always thought there was a club in there, that I never saw you use!

Jessica said...

That was hilarious!! We are taking a flight tomorrow and I can't wait to share with my family the treasures we've been overlooking in Skymall.

I wonder if it's to late for me to get that cool huge travel pillow, it's just what I need... or maybe the neck stretcher one would be better...

Yaj said...

Say, that Caddie Cooler would be even cooler if the model was wearing a cool Redskin jersey! Can I make a product suggestion? I think the Caddie Cooler should have the convenient hook'em up hose to the convenient hat with the convenient double straw so one could have a convenient drink while conveniently chugging along! You should suggest that to the Skymall folks - you seem to have connections!

The hot dog image was, well, quite the metaphor... Hemingway? King? Joyce?

Are you sure people don't wear one-piece underwear anymore?

Yaj said...

Postscript - are you saying my back has lost its sass?

the guitarist from hell said...

I fully endorse the Skyrest Pillow!

Joe Biden

TRI-UPS said...

Thanks for all the info on the great Sky Mall products. Do you know if the Lord of the Rings ring comes with invisibility AND soul manipulation? So many of the cheap knockoffs only come with invisibility.... Please let me know- David