31 October 2008

Halloween!


Happy Halloween from Mario and the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom!

28 October 2008

Spamalot



Do you ever read the subject lines of your spams? You know, like the ones that promise to herbally enhance certain body parts for $19.99 (plus shipping.) Usually I just delete them without even looking, but I recently realized that sometimes there is some really good stuff in my spam folder:
  • No class, no exam, buy yourself world recognized university/degree/diploma/bacheloor (sic)/masters. (How will they spell "Bachelor" on your diploma?)

  • $14,000,000 US dollar business proposal if you are interested reply me? (Very interested.)

  • Caves are the new cool place to live. (What was the old cool place to live?)

  • Stop being frustrated in bed. (I assume they are talking about when you can't fall asleep at night, that's the worst)

  • Do not lose your love because of bad potence! (Bad potence is the worst!)

  • Hello, I found your name on the dating site. (Which one?)

  • It's Breanne. Do not ignore me please. I found your email somewhere and now decided to write you. (Anything for you, Breanne.)

  • Are you snoring yourself to death? (If they said sleepwalking I'd be interested.)

  • Start believing in wonders, be young and attractive again. (Do-n't stop belie-vin'!)

  • 1000 singles ladies from Russia are online now, have interest? (Much interest.)

  • Make your fat friends envy you. (They already do, those fatties.)

  • Triple strength fat eraser. (Perfect for my fat, envious friends.)

  • Top women problems and ways to solve them. (Can we solve this: why don't they like watching sports for hours at a time?)

  • Britney shoots down American spy satellite with her v_____. (I bet the CIA didn't see that one coming.)

  • Britney sues v_____ for divorce. (Can you do that?)

  • Pope Benedict to exorcise George Bush and Britney Spears on US visit. (At Yankee Stadium?)

  • Britney is to be sold on eBay. (Maybe I'll bid for spite.)

  • World's Muslims reject Britney's conversion to Islam.

  • McCain chooses Paris Hilton to be running mate. (Vital to courting the hoochie mama vote.)

  • Paris Hilton gives confusing news conference.

  • Paris Hilton becomes Mormon--marries Paparazzi. (???)

  • Lottery winners outraged at Paris Hilton's preferential treatment. (I totally understand.)

  • Paris Hilton to invade Rwanda. (She ran out of guys in America?)

  • Paris Hilton files for patent on "That's hot." (Thanks to $80,000 of law school tuition I know it would actually be a copyright.)

  • Paris Hilton: I will give my body to the winner of the French Open. (But how will she feel about Nadal's capri pants?)

24 October 2008

United Nations Day!

According to Wikipedia, "United Nations Day is devoted to making known to peoples of the world the aims and achievements of the United Nations Organization." So when I met Kofi Annan a few years ago, I asked him what those aims and achievements are. I then transcribed our conversation to these thought bubbles:



Ah, much better. Thanks Kofi.

20 October 2008

Parenting Lesson #2

When your kid comes home from school upset for being called "Four Eyes" because of her new glasses, show her this picture:




Then say, "Well, it's better than being called 'Four Ears' like this freak. At least you can take yours off." Sometimes logic is more important than sensitivity when dealing with small children.


See also: Parenting Lesson #1

16 October 2008

Serres Farm Pumpkin Patch With My Buddy

Last weekend My Buddy and I went to the pumpkin patch that we visit together every autumn. He loves how the leaves change this time of year. I love the crisp fall air. It was just a beautiful day.

He helped me choose just the right pumpkin to carve for Halloween.



He ain't heavy, he's my armadillo.


And like always, he got lost again. That little rascal!


Of course we made some time to goof off together. What a character!


And since he was so good, I let him pick some corn--his favorite.


All in all we had a great time together at the pumpkin patch this year. It just goes to show everything is more fun with an armadillo.

13 October 2008

Columbus Day!



Click here for last year's post on Columbus Day.

11 October 2008

Business As Usual

This is my old roommate, Nate. Today is his birthday. Happy Birthday, Nate. He is a great guy but a few months ago I became very concerned about my dear friend. Read on, and you'll see why.

I think we all know Exodus 20:8: "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." But maybe you haven't read this illuminating paragraph from President Spencer W. Kimball's landmark book, The Miracle of Forgiveness:

"We have become a world of Sabbath breakers. On the Sabbath the lakes are full of boats, the beaches are crowded, the shows have their best attendance, the golf links are dotted with players. The Sabbath is the preferred day for rodeos, conventions, family picnics; and ball games are played on the sacred day. 'Business as usual' is the slogan for many, and our holy day has become a holiday. And because so many people treat the day as a holiday numerous others cater to the wants of the fun-lovers and money-makers."

This past May 11 (Sunday) after I returned from my uplifting and spiritual meetings at church, I turned on the TV to find a conference talk on BYU-TV. Unintentionally I happened upon the Lakers-Jazz playoff game being played in Salt Lake City. "How disgusting," I thought. "All those people breaking the Sabbath. President Kimball was right."

Then I noticed a familiar face in the crowd:


I was shocked! Was that Nate at the game?!?! I didn't want to believe it, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But later I got a closer look:


That was him alright:

And he wasn't even wearing his church clothes! I, of course, always keep the Sabbath. I would never go to a Jazz game on Sunday. Nor have I ever gone to a Redskins game, left church early to see Phil Mickelson win the Masters, or purchased Mario Kart Wii on Sunday.

So Nate, what do you have to say for yourself? What's next? Leaving church early to hold a Super Bowl party for all of your old college roommates and buying ice at Chevron on the way? I guess Sunday is just "business as usual" for you. I hope you reconsider your rationalizing ways before it grows too late.

Let us all pray for Nate. And vote on the poll.

Poll Results as of 10/18:

10 October 2008

Dear PETA,

I use dto think you were a bucnh fo freaks but now i need your help!
Last nite i turned on hte news and i gess it was a sepcial report becuase Amy Poehler was doing the Weekend UPdate on thursday. "what a nice yougn lady," i thougth. "And her hudband wasso funny in Arrested Dvelopment." but my enthusism quikly turned to feer and horror when i saw this segmint:



why does she be hatin' armadillos? Pleese do something! forget about saving teh cows who give thier milk to make icecream--thye can allways make more. (plus, who besides babees woud ever eet the breast milk icecream you ave proposed?)

Save teh armadillos frum evli news anchers like Amy Poeler so we can liv are lives like normel armadillos, visiting tulep gardens, going to werk wtih our owners, and reeding betdime stories, playing hide-adn-seek, makign music, playing wii tennis, and watchnig hte Redskins!

Sincerly,
My BUddy Armadillo

P.S. Sory for hte typos, its hard to type iwth claws.

07 October 2008

Oasis!



Today Oasis' new album is released. It sounds great. You should buy it. Nevermind the fact that Pink just outsold Oasis' first single in the UK. I'm sure that was just a fluke.

Oasis has sold over 50 million albums all around the world and it's easy to see why: the songwriting is brilliant. Here are my top ten best Oasis lyrics:
  1. You live for your toys, even though they make noise. Have you ever played with plastercine or even tried a trampoline? (Little James)
  2. Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. (Champagne Supernova)
  3. The sink is full of fishes, cuz she's got dirty dishes on the brain. (Some Might Say)
  4. I've been driving in my car with my friend Mr. Soft. Mr. Clean and Mr. Ben are living in my loft. (Shaker Maker)
  5. She's electric, she's in a family full of eccentrics. (She's Electric)
  6. I know a girl called Elsa. She’s into Alka Seltzer. She sniffs it through a cane on a supersonic train. She made me laugh. I got her autograph. (Supersonic)
  7. I’ll treat you like a Queen. I’ll give you strawberries and cream. And then your friends will all go green for my lasagne. (Digsy's Diner)
  8. All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade. (Talk Tonight)
  9. I'll take my car and drive real far. (Rock 'n Roll Star)
  10. Hey you! Up in a tree. You wanna be me? Well that couldn’t be. (Up in the Sky)
  11. D'you dig my friends? D'you dig my shoes? I am like a child with nothing to lose but my mind. (Magic Pie)
  12. Some day you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky. (Champagne Supernova)
So profound! And one of my favorite Oasis stories is when Liam in a concert dedicated the song "Live Forever" to his two front teeth that were previously knocked out in a bar fight. What's not to love about that?

Despite their reputation for being very friendly and personable, I've unfortunately never met Oasis. But on June 15, 1997, I called in to the national radio show Modern Rock Live and asked Noel Gallagher a question on the air.

You can listen to it here:


And here's the transcript:

MRL Host: You're next on Modern Rock Live.

Me: Hey Noel, this question's for you. Um, I was at your last show in Virginia on your US tour (9/10/1996 at the Nissan Pavilion), and I was wondering why you quit the tour early?

Noel: (various chuckling in the background) Um, because uh, I wanted to go home and watch Man City and eat baked beans. No, we was just touring too much and were getting bored of it. I'm sorry if you bought tickets to the gig and we didn't turn up for it, you know, life's a bitch, there you go, I'm sorry. But, if you did actually buy tickets for the gig which we didn't turn up at, then we will come back and play for you, for you personally in your house.

MRL Host: Get ready for that
.

See what I mean? So friendly and personable. And the music is amazing. Some might say they're the best band in the world. That's why it's so weird when I tell people that Oasis is my favorite band and they give me a look like I'm George Michael talking about Ann on Arrested Development:

02 October 2008

Dear Somali "Pirates,"

I have been following your standoff with the US warship off the coast of Somalia. I'm not very impressed. I think you are giving pirates everywhere a bad name. Do you really think Johnny Depp would make a movie about you? I don't think so.

First of all, I don't think any of you have beards. Everyone knows the first rule of pirates is to have a beard. Red, black, it doesn't matter, but you really need a beard. Second, does anyone have a wooden leg? You know, a peg leg. Preferably because you lost your real leg due to a freak cannonball accident years earlier and had to replace it with a wooden one. If none of you has a peg leg, consider it one big strike against you. Next, do you have a pet parrot? You know, the kind that sits on your shoulder and repeats words for emphasis when you're making a speech to raise morale among the other pirates. Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about:



It's a little cartoonish but I think you get the idea. This guy has the beard, peg leg, and parrot PLUS a hook-hand and eye-patch. He's legit. Next, let's talk about your boat. Recently in the news I saw this picture of you attacking the cargo ship:



Are those life rafts you're riding? How did you even board that big cargo ship? You're supposed to swing from deck to deck using ropes. Plus, you really need a skull-and-crossbones flag. I don't see anything waving in the wind except for the rags on your back. I'm very unimpressed. I played with more realistic pirate ships when I was a kid:



See, Lego knows what it's doing. This one has THREE skull-and-crossbone flags, not to mention a monkey deck-hand. They'll never make a pirate ship based on yours. Can you imagine a kid buying this crap in a store?



I don't think so. I would also like to know if you celebrated National Talk Like A Pirate Day this year. It was on September 19. I would think this is the biggest pirate holiday of the year but I didn't hear anything about it. Do you even walk around saying, "Arrrrrrr!!!!!"? What a joke.

To top it off, I read that you are demanding $20 million from the Ukraine for their ship back. What is this all about? You're supposed to rob and pillage what's on board the ship, sink it, and sail away into the sunset--not ask for money to be wired to your account in the Caymans before you politely return the keys to the owner. Don't you get it? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you get destroyed in the next few days, I think we all know you had it coming.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit