02 October 2008

Dear Somali "Pirates,"

I have been following your standoff with the US warship off the coast of Somalia. I'm not very impressed. I think you are giving pirates everywhere a bad name. Do you really think Johnny Depp would make a movie about you? I don't think so.

First of all, I don't think any of you have beards. Everyone knows the first rule of pirates is to have a beard. Red, black, it doesn't matter, but you really need a beard. Second, does anyone have a wooden leg? You know, a peg leg. Preferably because you lost your real leg due to a freak cannonball accident years earlier and had to replace it with a wooden one. If none of you has a peg leg, consider it one big strike against you. Next, do you have a pet parrot? You know, the kind that sits on your shoulder and repeats words for emphasis when you're making a speech to raise morale among the other pirates. Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about:

It's a little cartoonish but I think you get the idea. This guy has the beard, peg leg, and parrot PLUS a hook-hand and eye-patch. He's legit. Next, let's talk about your boat. Recently in the news I saw this picture of you attacking the cargo ship:

Are those life rafts you're riding? How did you even board that big cargo ship? You're supposed to swing from deck to deck using ropes. Plus, you really need a skull-and-crossbones flag. I don't see anything waving in the wind except for the rags on your back. I'm very unimpressed. I played with more realistic pirate ships when I was a kid:

See, Lego knows what it's doing. This one has THREE skull-and-crossbone flags, not to mention a monkey deck-hand. They'll never make a pirate ship based on yours. Can you imagine a kid buying this crap in a store?

I don't think so. I would also like to know if you celebrated National Talk Like A Pirate Day this year. It was on September 19. I would think this is the biggest pirate holiday of the year but I didn't hear anything about it. Do you even walk around saying, "Arrrrrrr!!!!!"? What a joke.

To top it off, I read that you are demanding $20 million from the Ukraine for their ship back. What is this all about? You're supposed to rob and pillage what's on board the ship, sink it, and sail away into the sunset--not ask for money to be wired to your account in the Caymans before you politely return the keys to the owner. Don't you get it? You should be ashamed of yourselves. If you get destroyed in the next few days, I think we all know you had it coming.



Jerkolas said...

You know what they say. If you want a job done right you better do it yourself I guess. I could trade in all this science for piracy. Chicks dig pirates right? Oh wait, its the vampire fad that they are crushing on and not even those sissies are doing it right.

two forks said...

i think they also should have to sing, "yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me." not to mention all the pillaging and plundering and loot.i prefer faux-british-accent-johnny depp any day!

Yaj said...

What's Somali for "Arrrgh...?"

david & michal coombs said...

this is hilarious christian!!

Jules said...

Okay, I haven't read your blog in a while (maybe Sam is better at it than me), but I am cracking up. Ahh, so many funny posts on one page. You KNOW I would vote for you for whatever you ran for purely for the mayo hatred. I am a hater. On a different note, your cousin, Jennifer is in our ward. Small world.

Anonymous said...

I think Parker Brothers is negotiating for a board game contract...