28 November 2008

Black Friday



Summary of the day:

Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV: $798
Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum: $28
Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera: $69
"The Incredible Hulk" DVD: $9
That shoppers cared so much about these sale prices on Black Friday they trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death when the store opened at 5am: Priceless Surprising?

Quote of the day:

"When [Wal-Mart employees] were saying [the customers] had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, 'I've been in line since yesterday morning!'" [the witness] said. "They kept shopping."

Question of the day:

Why do people wait outside in the cold all night to buy a $9 DVD when they could be in their warm beds dreaming about eating leftover turkey and biscuits?

27 November 2008

Thanksgiving!


Click here for more amazing Thanksgiving photos.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! As I sit back and contemplate all the blessings I have, here's what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. Biscuits
2. Biscuits with gravy
3. Biscuits with butter and honey
4. Biscuits with homemade jam
5. Biscuits with ice cream
6. Biscuits with maple syrup
7. Biscuits with eggs and bacon
8. Biscuit pizza
9. Biscuit root beer floats
10. Biscuit hoagies
11. Biscuit grilled cheese
12. Biscuit pot pie
13. Biscuit paninis
14. Biscuit pasta
15. Biscuit soup
16. Biscuits with NO mayo

24 November 2008

The Parable of the Naughty Horse



I recently read the wonderful book, Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs. I found it very educational and full of symbolism. But instead of me talking about it, you should read it for yourself:


If the author's subtle and profound writing doesn't convince you to not do drugs, maybe you should consider the fact that she's a co-inventor:



Also definitely worth reading: The Amazon.com Customer Reviews.

21 November 2008

National Beard Month!

Sources say it's National Beard Month. How about a little beard story to get things started off?

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asks once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face, and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"


Yikes! I hope not everyone who has a beard has been in such a prickly situation.

So how do you celebrate National Beard Month? I don't know but I thought I'd register a beard with the National Beard Registry. I grew one during the entire month of October but unfortunately, they cropped out my pirate hat, those fetchers.



Maybe next year someone could buy me this shirt to wear during National Beard Month (size Medium.)



18 November 2008

Reading Rainbow

The other day I was reading a book to a young child while doing my weekly volunteer service time with at-risk youth.


It was a pretty straightforward book that shows kids how baby farms animals grow up to be big farm animals:




You get the idea. Until this:



What?!?!

14 November 2008

SAT Deja Vu

According to the College Board, "The SAT Reasoning Test is a measure of the critical thinking skills you'll need for academic success in college. The SAT assesses how well you analyze and solve problems—skills you learned in school that you'll need in college. The SAT is typically taken by high school juniors and seniors."

So I decided to conduct an experiment. Would I score higher on the SAT after becoming fluent in another language, graduating from college, graduating from law school, and passing the bar exam, than I did before accomplishing all those things? The first time around back in 1995 I scored 1170--not great but somehow good enough to get into BYU. It must have been the fact that I was the captain of the football, basketball, and soccer teams in high school.

To prepare I tried to recreate my original experience as best I could so, like in high school, I didn't really study for it. I started saying, "Like," "Um," and other one syllable words more often when people asked me questions. I bought some flannel shirts at Salvation Army. I shaved so there was no sign of my facial hair except for some stray neck whiskers. I carried around a Discman wherever I went. And I would have had my friend's mom drive me to the test and stop at Burger King for lunch afterwards, but I think she still lives in Virginia.

Here I am before entering the school. Wish me luck!


Some of the other kids stared a little but once I started texting on my phone like crazy and talking about my Myspace page they weren't suspicious any more. Anyway, here's how I did:

So, I got 1320, a 150 point improvement! I guess the thousands of dollars I paid towards my college and graduate education and 13 extra years of life experience really did make a difference. Too bad you can't do those things before taking the SAT.

11 November 2008

Alvin and the Chipmunks




I have some questions about Alvin and the Chipmunks. And I don't mean that computer animated crap in the movie theaters last year. I mean the cartoon series that was on TV after school when I was a kid. Let's get to it:
  • Why were Alvin and his brothers so much bigger than wild chipmunks? And how could they talk like the human kids if they were chipmunks?

  • Were their voices going to always be squeaky? Or would they hit chipmunk puberty one day?

  • Can chipmunks be domesticated in real life? Would they let you dress them up in cute little extra long t-shirts?

  • Why did Alvin, Simon, and Theodore wear long t-shirts, and that's it? Did they wear the same long t-shirts day after day, or did they have a bunch of the exact same shirt? Why were Alvin's initials on his shirt? Did they realize the other kids at school dressed differently? If they were chipmunks, why did they wear any clothes at all?

  • How come Alvin always went after human girls? Didn't he know it would be impossible for different species to marry and procreate?

  • How did Dave have such a big house if he was a struggling musician? And why did the Chipmunks have to share a bedroom if the house was so big?

  • How did they learn to play musical instruments at such a young age? Are chipmunks normally musically adept?

  • Why was Alvin always scheming to make money if he was in such a famous and successful band? And why didn't Dave exploit the Chipmunks like most other child stars these days?

  • Did the Chipmunks know that Dave was a human and that they were chipmunks? Or did they think they were humans, like dogs do when they're with their masters?

  • How big were their chipmunk parents? What happened to their chipmunk parents? Was their mom forced to give them up for adoption because of an abusive relationship? If so, why did she choose a human adoption program over a chipmunk one? And how did she know Alvin, Simon, and Theodore would grow to be bigger than normal chipmunks and fit in with human society?

  • If you're not supposed to feed human food to wild animals like deer, why was it okay for the Chipmunks to eat pancakes and such?
Please, if you know the answer to any of the above questions, feel free to leave a comment. We may never know the answers to all of these questions, but until then, Dooh-dooh-do-do-do-do-dooh!

07 November 2008

Slow Dance Connection



This flier has been up in the kitchen at work for quite some time now. I am thinking about signing up Robin and me. If you are interested you better email me ASAP. I don't think those phone number tabs are going to last.

04 November 2008

Election Day!

Is it just me or is it hard to get excited about Election Day when you live in a non-swing state? My solution: spite votes. Let me explain. Basically, spite votes are anti-votes. Instead of voting for the candidate of your choice, you would vote against the candidate of your choice. You would essentially be eliminating the vote of another person. And to make it even better, you could specify which person's vote you want to eliminate and then they would get an email or text message saying,

"Dear Voter,

Thank you for voting in this year's election. We appreciate your participation in the voting process. Unfortunately, ______'s spite vote has eliminated your vote. Your vote no longer exists. This was performed out of spite.

Sincerely,
The Election Committee"


Sounds pretty amazing to me. And I don't know about you but despite the 46 email forwards I've received telling me to not vote for B to the O, I'm not very impressed with either candidate. (My other favorite unsolicited online experience: when people put lame music like Jack Johnson on their blog that starts blasting the minute I enter their site.) Is this really the best you can offer us, America? So, this year I'm looking outside the two-party system to a couple of running mates I know I can trust. Here I am after fulfilling my patriotic duty today:


(RIP amazing Mario-stache)

And in case you're wondering why I'm voting for Mario and Luigi, here are ten great reasons:

1. Plumbers are used to cleaning up messes.

2. They're Italian so you know they have international experience.

3. They don't take crap from people who are bigger than them.

4. Even when things don't go according to plan, they don't give up.

5. They're very generous with their money--every time they get $100 they just give it right back and start over.

6. They can hold their breath for a really long time.

7. They can fly.

8. They can throw fire!

9. The older they get, the better they look.


10. If something were to mysteriously happen to Mario, Luigi could seamlessly step right in for him.

Find me another set of running mates who can do all of this! This might just be the change everyone is looking for. Mario and Luigi forever!