26 December 2009

Boxing Day!



Happy Boxing Day to all! You may be asking yourself, "What is Boxing Day, anyway?" Well, let me tell you. Boxing Day is a Canadian holiday that commemorates the day Mike Tyson's Punch Out was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. Punch Out was especially popular in Canada and so this holiday was created as a way for the Canadians to feel better about not having a cool holiday like the American Thanksgiving Day. The rest is history.

25 December 2009

Merry Christmas!

Well, wrapping paper is all over the floor so you know Christmas is here. Here's what I wish I had gotten this year but didn't:

Jumpin Jammerz: The "one-piece footed pajamas for pre-teens, teenagers, and adults" (and apparently my old roommate, Reed, pictured here.)


Egg Genie: Because boiling eggs is so hard.


And if that video wasn't enough, check out this testimonial from Mike J. in Spring Grove, Illinois:


Ab Away 2: (But only if it comes with the jean shorts.)


Bathroom Maid: Because I need a classier way to dispense my toilet paper.


Hoveround: Watch the video and you'll see why.



And in case you didn't get that present you were hoping for, this is dedicated to you from me:

22 December 2009

The Breakup



A while ago I watched that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry had an extra ticket to a school play and as he was talking to his agent Jeff about it, Jeff's gardener overheard and said he would go with Larry. Of course there was an awkward moment and Larry didn't know what to say but they ended up going together. The whole "date" was awkward all the way to the doorstep scene where the gardener lingered too long to say goodbye. You might think that this only happens on funny TV shows but it doesn't. It happens to people like me.

Over the past few years we've tried to be nice to our mailman, Tony (name changed to protect his true identity.) He's probably in his late thirties and he's very diligent at what he does. To say thanks for a job well done, sometimes we would leave some candy at a holiday or whatnot. While I was looking for a job I was home during the day a lot and I would be there to receive packages in person. He was nice enough and we would chat a little about the weather, the crappy Seattle sports teams, etc. But I will say that usually he would linger a little too long and I didn't know how to end the conversation.

Then when I was training for the marathon sometimes he would see me running around the neighborhood while on his route. Once at the end of my run he happened to be there and he said we should go running together. I said okay even though I didn't ever plan to. No offense, Tony the Mailman, but I don't even run with my wife. I run alone. Then another time he said again that we should run together. This time when I said okay he said, "But how will I meet up with you?" I was like, "You can knock on my door since you know where I live." But that wasn't enough and he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him because I didn't know what else to say. He never called, though, so I forgot about it.

Then a couple months ago I happened to be home during the day and he brought a package by. Of course we chatted for a while and I had a hard time getting away like always. Not that I don't like talking to people, but it was just getting a little weird. Anyway, he left but a few minutes later he knocked on my door again and said something like, "Hey, can I get your number again? My son was fooling with my phone and lost it." So I gave it to him again (what else was I supposed to do?) and that's when he asked if I liked playing video games and invited me to come over to play Playstation sometime (no date or time set.)

So of course I go on with my life, forgetting that that happened, and not thinking that we would ever actually play Playstation. Then a few weeks ago he requested to add me on Facebook!!! Only at first I didn't recognize who he was since I only knew his first name from his name tag and his profile picture was of his kid. So of course I rejected the request but the next day again there was another friend request and a message that made me realize it was Tony the Mailman. So now I didn't know what to do. I mean, I have no problem rejecting someone's friend request on Facebook but this was different: this was my mailman who I would see again and who had my phone number. Plus, we've all heard news stories of mailmen going postal. Who knows what he could do to my precious mail and packages if I got on his bad side.

So I accepted the friend request (what else was I supposed to do?) and forgot about it until he sent me TWO messages on Facebook wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. He commented on some photos, too. The weird thing was that he often was sending Facebook messages and making photo comments in the morning when I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be delivering people's mail. I never responded to any comments or messages, though.

Then last week I was at work and an unknown number called my phone. I answered and it was Tony the Mailman. He said that he had a package for me and would I want him to hold it for me so I wouldn't have to pick it up at the post office and stand in long lines? This seemed very unusual to me but for some reason I said okay (what else was I supposed to do?). It turns out he lived about a half block away from me so on the way home from work I stopped by to get my package. He was having dinner with his family so he introduced me to his wife and kid, gave me the package, and then said nervously, "Hey, if you're not too busy would you want to have dinner tomorrow if you're not too busy?" Now, any guy out there will know that he was really nervous to ask me out to dinner because he repeated twice the same phrase in his invite: "if you're not too busy." I informed him that we were going to our church Christmas party that night. He seemed disappointed.

Then last week I got another voicemail on my phone and it was from Tony the Mailman again. Only this time he didn't ask me if I wanted him to hold onto a package for me to pick up later; he just brought it home and called me after the fact. Now, I was a little annoyed at this because I'm pretty sure it's against the rules for postal workers to bring someone's mail home and I didn't want to make a habit of having to go to his house during dinner and get my mail. So I called back and left a message that I would prefer to just get my packages the normal way where I go pick them up at the post office.

A couple days later I went to the post office to get my packages. While in line, of course I saw none other than Tony the Mailman. It was a very awkward moment and I could tell that he wasn't his normal self around me. I think I must have hurt his feelings or something because he came up to me with a crestfallen look and said he hoped he hadn't caused me any inconvenience with my packages. So I left but then later that day when we opened our mailbox there was a package jammed in there with all the other mail bent out of shape. I can't help but think he was making a point that, "See, I could have brought this home with me and saved it for you but no, you don't want me to do that so I will just have to jam it in your mailbox and make it fit! See how you like that!"

So that's the story of how I broke up with Tony the Mailman. Or at least how I think I did--I'll probably get invited to Christmas dinner in a couple of days. You might read this and say that I brought this on myself by accepting his invitations to run, giving him my phone number, and accepting his friend request on Facebook. Maybe you're right, but since when does being nice to your civil servants mean that you want to hang out with them?

18 December 2009

Why You Wish You Had BYU-TV



CAUTION: If you start watching this, you won't be able to look away!!!

15 December 2009

'Tis The Season!

Sometimes with all the commercialization of Christmas, it's hard to remember the real meaning of the holiday. Carols about reindeer with red noses, stories of a big fat guy in a red suit coming down the chimney to bring kids presents, and songs about a snow man who magically comes to life and then dies as children watch can make us forget that Christmas is really about Jesus' birthday. That's why I'm thankful for The Oriental Trading Company's new "Happy Birthday Jesus!" line.

How about a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" pencil to write down your Christmas list?


Or some "Happy Birthday Jesus!" cups in which to drink your egg nog?


And don't forget the "Happy Birthday Jesus!" ornaments to decorate your beautiful Christmas tree.


And for the big morning, why not welcome the family to the presents smorgasbord with a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" banner (measuring 5' x 1')?


No need to bust out grandma's china when you can enjoy the Christmas ham on your new sturdy "Happy Birthday Jesus!" paper plates.


If you can't feel the spirit of Christmas now, I think there's something wrong with you.

11 December 2009

Dear Golf Digest,

You really had perfect timing this month. What are the odds that your current cover story, "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger," would come out the same week Tiger crashed his car into a tree and his multiple extra-marital affairs were revealed? Your premonition that Tiger was qualified to give advice to the President was spot on.


I'm not sure if I agree with all of Tiger's tips, though. Take these, for example:

Tip 1: Choose one day and always wear the same color that day. I call red on Sundays, but you can purple on Tuesdays.
Tip 3: Having extra-marital affairs with a dozen women across the country will do wonders for your marriage, career, and image.
Tip 4: Sign an endorsement deal with GM. That way, if you want a free new car, you just have to back your old SUV into a fire hydrant and the neighbor's tree.
Tip 7: Wearing Nike hats at all times is the best way to hide your rapidly progressing baldness.
Tip 9: Fans love it when you swear or throw your clubs after a bad shot. Do this whenever possible.

Maybe you should stick with tips on how to get out of the bunker?

My other question is why are people saying, "How could Tiger cheat on his wife? She is hot!" Do they think it would be okay if she weren't?

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

30 November 2009

26.2

Well, yesterday I ran the Seattle Marathon. It seems that a lot of people didn't believe my earlier blog where I announced I was going to do this. Maybe it was this entry last year about my exercise routines that made it hard to imagine me running a marathon. I personally think that my training since May should have been an indication I was serious, but whatever.

This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done (besides that time I watched a whole season of Gilmore Girls to impress this girl I was dating in college.) But when things got really hard and I wanted to give up, I just kept thinking about Andrew George's amazing overtime TD reception to give BYU the win over Utah on Saturday. That kept me going.


I happened to beat my goal of four hours and finished in 3:57:03. Now, the overall winner finished in 2:33:26 but what's more impressive--running for nearly four hours straight or running for two and a half hours straight? Exactly. Plus, I won my division. Here's my medal:

You can't read it but it says, "First Place, Fetchers Over 30 Who Had Never
Run More Than Three Miles Before This." (But why do I look like I'm on drugs?)

Here are some photos from the race:


I was running so fast that I was just a blur. (Wow, I have great posture, too.)


Here I am near the finish line. It was at about this time that
I decided to never run again.


Here are the shoes I wore. A guy at the running store said they weren't right for my body type and tried to get me to buy another pair. I ran in them anyway just to spite him.

Before/After. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Or that
my nipples would show through my shirt.

Anyway, thanks to all who donated to my charity, the Hope Heart Institute, to help further heart disease research, education, and awareness. I didn't raise the $1 million I was hoping for, but I did raise a decent amount. Hopefully those Nigerian investments I made last year will come through soon to make up the difference.

26 November 2009

Thanksgiving!



This year I'm thankful that Honda only charges $325 to replace the broken side mirror (just the glass) on our car. That seems very reasonable.

20 November 2009

Movie Review: New Moon



Last night I went to see the midnight showing of the new Twilight movie. A bunch of friends and I dressed up as Edward to show how devoted we are to this amazing phenomenon sweeping the nation. It makes me so proud to know a fellow BYU alumni wrote such an amazing series of literature. With any luck these books will be considered classics by the time my kids are in high school.

So, about the movie. AMAZING!!! Duh!!! The tension between Bella and Edward was as thick as Charlie Weis' gut. I could totally relate to Edward because I know what it's like to want to suck a girl's blood but she "just wants to be friends." Stick with it buddy and maybe you'll get Bella in the next movie.

As for the fight scenes, SO AMAZING!!! I was a little surprised when the werewolves and vampires started the big final fight by walking towards each other snapping their fingers and singing like in West Side Story, but let me tell you--it really worked. But I will say that at the end when Edward reaches into Jacob's chest and rips out his beating heart as the other vampires yell, "Finish him!" it really seemed like they ripped off Mortal Kombat. Oh well. I still loved it.

Finally, the birth scene was a little scary. When Bella was in labor with the vampire baby I was as antsy as Charlie Weis in line for a buffet dinner to see what it would look like. Then the whole theater made a collective gasp as the doctor said, "It's a boy!" and it latched onto his neck and killed him. That is one feisty little vampire!

Anyway, if you're like me, you're going to love this movie. There's enough action to keep you guys from falling asleep and just enough romance to get your girlfriends to want to make out with you when you get home. See it!!!

16 November 2009

Result 2 of about 127,000

I'm afraid Oh Pepper? has been kinda boring lately. Not here's-50-photos-of-my-kids-and-a-mundane-summary-of-what-we-did-today boring, but more like watching-a-Matthew-McConaughey-romantic-comedy-boring. There are some good parts but mostly you know what's going to happen before it happens. So I've been thinking that it may be time to shut the doors to Oh Pepper? for good. It's been a great 2+ year run, but recently it's felt like the better days are behind us. That is, until I just noticed that if you Google the phrase "mayonnaise is gross," Oh Pepper? comes up as the second hit.



As you can see, Oh Pepper? even comes up before a blog that is actually called "Mayonnaise is gross." So even if I never deliver another A+ blog again, I will feel like my contribution to the world wide web is complete. You're welcome, internet (and Al Gore.)

10 November 2009

Dear Sesame Street,



I grew up watching you. My mom thought cartoons were evil so if I wanted to watch TV, it was either you, Mr. Rogers, 3-2-1 Contact, Electric Company, or nothing.

Studies say that kids who watch Sesame Street are smarter and it must be true because I'm a genius. In fact, I started kindergarten when I was four years old (until my fifth birthday one week later.) Coincidence?

So happy 40th anniversary to Big Bird, Snuffalopogus, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Grover, Count, Bert, Ernie, and the other talking puppets (but not that dorky newcomer Elmo) who helped me learn about counting and the alphabet. I owe you one.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

06 November 2009

Because This Is Normal



My mailman just asked me if I wanted to play Playstation with him sometime. I told him sure. Then he put my number in his cellphone.

04 November 2009

Halloween Recap

Well it's November so you know Halloween has come and gone. As you can see, this year I dressed up as a loser (or looser for those of you who think it's spelled that way.)



Not as good as last year's costume complete with real mustache,



but not bad. Also, we have tons of leftover candy and Robin has been hoarding all the Twix bars on her nightstand. (As you can see, she also keeps a lucky quarter at her bedside to keep the scary dreams away.)



So, I thought we should have a little lesson about sharing.



The Twix have now been redistributed to the living room. Please come on over and enjoy yourself a delicious Twix bar.

28 October 2009

The Running Man



You may know that I am training to run the Seattle Marathon on November 29. People seem to think this is a big deal, but if Lance Armstrong and Katie Holmes can do it, why can't I?

You: But it doesn't sound like you to spend so much time and effort on something.
Me: You're right, but somehow I've already spent more time training in the last few months than I did studying during law school.

You: Did you know that a marathon is 26.2 miles?
Me: Now you tell me.

You: I thought you didn't like running.
Me: I enjoy running almost as much as mayonnaise. But I am doing this as a personal challenge. You know, like when you drive home from the store and try to hit all the green lights along the way.

My goal at first was to win and donate the proceeds to a good cause. Then I realized that people can run a marathon faster than I can run a half marathon. So then I decided to raise $1 million and donate it to a good cause.

I'm running to benefit The Hope Heart Institute, a non-profit based in Bellevue, WA. Heart disease is the number one killer of men, women, and children and The Hope promotes heart disease research and awareness. I thought the least I could do was raise $1 million to fund their many student education, community outreach, and medical research programs. (I still haven't received my cashier checks from the Nigerian Government investments I made via email last year so I personally don't have that much money.)

This is where you come in. Now that the economy is on the up-and-up, why not contribute a few dollars? All you have to do is click HERE and follow the instructions to donate to my good cause. Just think--if each of my blog readers donated a few dollars, we would easily raise more than $1 million!

I'll be sure to post a blog about my experiences on the day of the big race but for now please enjoy some photos of my cold weather training:




21 October 2009

What's In A Name?

If you're like me, you probably love rap music (which is the same thing as hip-hop in case you're wondering.) I guess it's something about the mad fly beats and the myriad ways to rhyme swear words that keeps me coming back for more. I especially love the clever names rappers make for themselves. How do they do it?!? Well, thanks to a little research by yours truly, now you'll know.

C-Murder—He must have had a Sandra Bullock-like premonition because he chose this name BEFORE he was convicted of murder earlier this year.


MC Hammer—He's probably the most famous celebrity Mormon out there. He got his name when he used to deejay Stake Dances in Oakland.


Young MC—Obviously he is MC Hammer's son.


Flo Rida—This one is boring. He was born in Florida. Not very original, I know.


50 Cent—How much money he would win on Jeopardy.


Jay-Z—No one knows where Jay-Z comes from but he obviously ditched his given name (Shawn Carter) because his parents spelled "Shawn" the girl way. (P.S. How did a guy who looks like this get Beyonce???)


P. Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Puffy Combs—He was forced to change it from P. Diddy to Puff Daddy because of copyright infringement suit brought by Nintendo over their Diddy Kong character.

Vanilla Ice—People think he chose this name because he's white, but actually it's because his favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.


Sir Mixalot—He got this name for his love of baking and using Kitchen Aid mixers. His specialty: lemon bars.


Queen Latifah—Most people don't know this but she's actually the mother of Prince.


Lil Bow Wow—He got this nickname when he was a toddler because he used to eat dog food from the dog’s bowl.


Flavor Flav—Women he dated gave him this name because of the food stuck in his gold teeth.


Q-Tip—He has an obvious earwax problem. Look how he covers his ears in public.


Dr. Dre—he got this nickname because he finished one year of med school and then dropped out. Rumor is he was going to do his residency in gunshot wound trauma.


Tupac—May he rest in peace. No matter how hard he worked out, he could get only two abs to look toned.


Kanye West—"Kanye" is actually street slang for "I'm gonna let you finish but..."


Souljah Boy—He chose this name after he joined the Army. It turns out he just really sucks at spelling.


Snoop Dogg—Over the years Snoop's drug use has overshadowed his love for cartoons, especially Peanuts, from which he obviously stole his name.


Eminem—He loves chocolate.


Busta Rhymes—His real name is Buster but when Arrested Development came out, people often compared him to Buster Bluth. This humiliated him so he change it to Busta.


K-Fed—Most people don't know this but he worked as a Fed Ex driver until he had to quit to take care of his kids after Britney went off the deep end. Some say you'll never see a better parallel parker again.


Nelly—His real name is Cornell but people kept getting blinded when they would talk to him and the sun hit his gold teeth just right and they would yell out, "Whoa Nelly!" It just stuck.


Lil Wayne—You can't tell from the photo but he's actually 36" tall.


Sisqo—He buys his gold chains from Costco and he puts Crisco in his hair.


Ice T—He got his nickname because his favorite drink on the Law & Order set is iced tea.


C-Biscuit—No one even calls him this. He just thinks it's cool so that's what he refers himself to on his blog. He even recently made his own lame personal logo. So basically he's a loser.