30 January 2009

Skymall: Second Leg

Oh Skymall, what would we do without you? You sell such useful, everyday items at unbeatable prices. I'm sure you are flourishing in this tanking economy! Lucky for me, I just flew across the country in an airplane so you know what that means--access to the latest edition of Skymall magazine!!!

Portable Desk: $39.99
If I'm anything like the rest of you I find myself needing to walk and type on my computer simultaneously all the time. And now Skymall has provided me a simple way to do just that. Now when I need to make that last-second bid on eBay to buy some new friends, no need to wait to get home--I can log on and click "Bid" as I stroll down the street.

"Will you be my friend?"

Square Root Watch: $39.95
Watches were invented so you could quickly look at your wrist and know what time it is. But what if you suck at solving square roots in your head?

Flair Hair Visor: $24.99
Before we go into the Flair Hair Visor, I should say that I don't even like regular visors that much. But if I were to use one, why would I choose one that had fake spiked hair glued into it? Here's what Skymall says: "Instantly give yourself a head-turning new 'do and amuse friends-- and strangers! Shield your face at the game and outdoor events in this fun visor with a brown, gray or blonde shock of hair up top, and enjoy the grins and giggles of those you encounter." Giggles or punches in the face?

"Hi, I'm a loser. And this isn't really my hair."

Pup Step Plus: $39.99
For only $39.99 the family dog and his fur, dirt, fleas, dander, and odor have easy access to your nice clean sheets. Why didn't someone think of this sooner?

Indoor Dog Restroom: $149.95
Dog owners everywhere will be saying, "Here Fido, take a dump in my living room on your Indoor Dog Restroom. It won't smell or have to be cleaned up later, so I don't mind." Until they realize that taking a dump on the Indoor Dog Restroom is just like taking a dump on your carpet and that making your dog take a dump outside will always be a better option.

"Master, clean up my droppings!"

Booster Bath: $179.99
Dogs love baths so I'm sure you'll have no problem getting yours to jump 4' into an elevated tub full of soapy water. I say for $179.99 just buy a new dog when yours gets dirty.

Truck Antlers: $24.99
The perfect way to tell drivers everywhere, "Hey, I'm white trash."

The Slanket: $44.99
First of all, if you're cold they have these things called coats you can wear. Also, the Slanket appears to simply be a robe worn backwards. But, I also love how the demostration photo was taken at Fenway Park. I'm sure those Bostonians were very accepting of this guy wearing his Slanket to the Red Sox game.

Dream Sack: $54.95
According to the description: "DreamSack will encourage a better night's sleep anywhere...at home, or in a far corner of the world." If you're at home, how would a rolled-up blanket encourage a better night's sleep than your own bed? And don't they have beds in far corners of the world?

Pet Wheel-Away: $119.95
Again, isn't the point of walking your dog so that he gets some exercise? Also, I think this dog looks really scared in his Pet Wheel-Away.

Harry Pottery wand: $35.00
Here's the thing, nerds: a magic wand isn't going to help you with the school bullies, even if it did belong to a fictional wizard in a hit movie. But I can't wait for the You Tube video to be posted when one of you tries.

In Utero Stereo: $99.95
Because studies have shown that babies love music while they're in the womb. Spending $99.95 is a much better idea than standing next to your boombox, so you should definitely buy this.

Singing and Talking Elvis Head: $199.95
So, I've been trying to think of where in your house this wouldn't be creepy. Front landing? Creepy. Living room? Creepy. Bathroom? Very creepy. Bedroom? Definitely creepy. Basically this will be creepy everywhere. And unnecessary. And a rip-off.

Now we know where the MTC got it!

26 January 2009

Chinese New Year!

23 January 2009

Mustaches and Salmonella

I just had an interview for a job that sounded really good in the ad, but not so much during the interview. I shaved off this amazing mustache for that?

Also, this hasn't been the best week for another reason: I think I have three of the eight symptoms of this peanut butter salmonella outbreak that's going around. Some BAD things are happening to my body that I won't get into here.

20 January 2009

Inauguration Day!

Like thousands of others, I was able to go to the Presidential Inauguration today in Washington, D.C. I got there real early so I could get a good seat. As you can see, I had a great view and even got to ask the new President a couple of questions. (I also tried to correct his little mishap during the oath but he wouldn't listen.) Let's just hope he takes my advice on the family dog as his first order of business.

15 January 2009


I recently wrote to WebMD with a question. They were a little harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. Here is the response, cut and pasted from their website:

And for great medical advice on prescription medications, click here.

12 January 2009

Ski Bum

Ah, winter, what an amazing time of the year. I'll always be reminded of this week a few years ago when I moved to Utah to be a ski bum for a semester. Sometimes life gives you two choices: keep working at a dead-end job or move in with your old college roommates and learn how to ski in the rocky mountains. Obviously I chose ski bumming. Here's why:

You can wear amazing outfits every day like this:

You can get published in prestigious newspapers like this:

You can accidentally go to a prom with girls like this:

You can get amazing face tans like this:

What's wrong with my face???

You can ski with Hollywood celebrities like this:

Did you know Bob (you probably know him as Robert Redford) was so short???

You can take road trips to Vegas and break the bank like this:

What's wrong with my face???

If you ever have a chance to ski bum for a semester, I definitely recommend it.

08 January 2009

Parenting Lesson #3

When your daughter won't go to school because she's having a bad hair day, show her this picture:

Then say, "Talk to me when you've sprouted furry wings out of your back. Now get your butt to school." She'll be in home room before you know it.

See also: Parenting Lesson #1, Parenting Lesson #2

05 January 2009

National Hot Tea Month!

01 January 2009

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! Just right click and save to get your copy of the hottest calendar of the year.