30 January 2009

Skymall: Second Leg

Oh Skymall, what would we do without you? You sell such useful, everyday items at unbeatable prices. I'm sure you are flourishing in this tanking economy! Lucky for me, I just flew across the country in an airplane so you know what that means--access to the latest edition of Skymall magazine!!!

Portable Desk: $39.99
If I'm anything like the rest of you I find myself needing to walk and type on my computer simultaneously all the time. And now Skymall has provided me a simple way to do just that. Now when I need to make that last-second bid on eBay to buy some new friends, no need to wait to get home--I can log on and click "Bid" as I stroll down the street.

"Will you be my friend?"

Square Root Watch: $39.95
Watches were invented so you could quickly look at your wrist and know what time it is. But what if you suck at solving square roots in your head?

Flair Hair Visor: $24.99
Before we go into the Flair Hair Visor, I should say that I don't even like regular visors that much. But if I were to use one, why would I choose one that had fake spiked hair glued into it? Here's what Skymall says: "Instantly give yourself a head-turning new 'do and amuse friends-- and strangers! Shield your face at the game and outdoor events in this fun visor with a brown, gray or blonde shock of hair up top, and enjoy the grins and giggles of those you encounter." Giggles or punches in the face?

"Hi, I'm a loser. And this isn't really my hair."

Pup Step Plus: $39.99
For only $39.99 the family dog and his fur, dirt, fleas, dander, and odor have easy access to your nice clean sheets. Why didn't someone think of this sooner?

Indoor Dog Restroom: $149.95
Dog owners everywhere will be saying, "Here Fido, take a dump in my living room on your Indoor Dog Restroom. It won't smell or have to be cleaned up later, so I don't mind." Until they realize that taking a dump on the Indoor Dog Restroom is just like taking a dump on your carpet and that making your dog take a dump outside will always be a better option.

"Master, clean up my droppings!"

Booster Bath: $179.99
Dogs love baths so I'm sure you'll have no problem getting yours to jump 4' into an elevated tub full of soapy water. I say for $179.99 just buy a new dog when yours gets dirty.

Truck Antlers: $24.99
The perfect way to tell drivers everywhere, "Hey, I'm white trash."

The Slanket: $44.99
First of all, if you're cold they have these things called coats you can wear. Also, the Slanket appears to simply be a robe worn backwards. But, I also love how the demostration photo was taken at Fenway Park. I'm sure those Bostonians were very accepting of this guy wearing his Slanket to the Red Sox game.

Dream Sack: $54.95
According to the description: "DreamSack will encourage a better night's sleep anywhere...at home, or in a far corner of the world." If you're at home, how would a rolled-up blanket encourage a better night's sleep than your own bed? And don't they have beds in far corners of the world?

Pet Wheel-Away: $119.95
Again, isn't the point of walking your dog so that he gets some exercise? Also, I think this dog looks really scared in his Pet Wheel-Away.

Harry Pottery wand: $35.00
Here's the thing, nerds: a magic wand isn't going to help you with the school bullies, even if it did belong to a fictional wizard in a hit movie. But I can't wait for the You Tube video to be posted when one of you tries.

In Utero Stereo: $99.95
Because studies have shown that babies love music while they're in the womb. Spending $99.95 is a much better idea than standing next to your boombox, so you should definitely buy this.

Singing and Talking Elvis Head: $199.95
So, I've been trying to think of where in your house this wouldn't be creepy. Front landing? Creepy. Living room? Creepy. Bathroom? Very creepy. Bedroom? Definitely creepy. Basically this will be creepy everywhere. And unnecessary. And a rip-off.

Now we know where the MTC got it!


Yaj said...

Allow me some leisurely comments:

1. I am a bit surprised your face is not photo-shopped into the Flair Hair Visor photo. You are slipping...

2. We have the Pup Step Plus. Of course, its purchase was not my idea, and it was bought in a store specializing in, shall we say, recycled-other-people's crap, a place I never go ... but I digress. The dog even understands how stupid it is and refuses to use it, even when encouraged with the old hand-to-paw technique.

That was a compliment that your instincts are correct...

3. I can tell you we do not need the Indoor Dog Restroom. Our indoors is a dog restroom. They would probably use that thing to practice their putting.

4. I kind of like the Booster Bath, but not for the dog...

5. White trash don't buy red trucks. I know.

6. No, they don't have beds in many of the far corners of the world.

7. I am a bit surprised your face is not photo-shopped into the In Utero Stereo photo. You are slipping... *

8. I can't believe you did not suggest the most obvious place for the Singing and Talking Elvis Head.

9. * Not to belabor this, but the same would apply to the Slanket and Pet Wheel-Away and Elvis Head, and, in a pinch, the dog in the Booster Bath... What, you didn't want to infringe on Copyrights or Trademarks? C'mon! I saw you in the Virginia State seal!

Leiland said...

It's like I don't even know... but I wish I did

two forks said...

oh please oh please, am i getting the slanket for my birthday!?!?!??!?!

Lisa Garcia said...

This one had me laughing all the way through. Loved it! I am horrified at the fake hair visor!