31 March 2009

Fetcher Of The Week Award

And this week it goes to...

Here's why:

PH: Hello, Pizza Hut, can I take your order?
Me: Hi, I'd like to do your three one-topping mediums for $5 each deal, please.
PH: Okay sir, what toppings would you like?
Me: One cheese, one pepperoni, and I'd like to use my unused topping from the cheese pizza for the third--I'd like green peppers and onions.
PH: Sorry sir, it doesn't work that way.
Me: What do you mean?
PH: You can't use that topping towards another pizza.
Me: Why not? I'm paying for three toppings. Why can't I use none on one and two on another?
PH: The cheese pizza counts as one topping.
Me: What? How can the cheese count as a topping? Pizza already comes with cheese. That's what pizza is.
PH: I understand your frustration, sir. I know it doesn't really make sense but that's how it works.
Me: So you're saying my pepperoni pizza counts as two toppings then?
PH: No sir, that's one topping.
Me: But that's pepperoni AND cheese. You already said the cheese is one topping.
PH: I'm sorry sir. Do you want to make an order?
Me: Yes, I'd like one pepperoni, one cheese, and one green pepper and onion, but I don't want to pay extra.
PH: I'm sorry sir. You can add an extra topping for $1.65 if you want.
Me: I'm going to Domino's. Goodbye.

27 March 2009

Parenting Lesson #4

When your daughter comes home and tells you a boy at school said she has cooties, just show her this picture:

Then say, "Would you rather have cooties or be the ugliest dog in the world like this freak? Now go outside and play." After you've successfully put things in perspective, lean back and say to yourself, "How did I become such an amazing parent?"

23 March 2009

$ Free Ninety Nine

(Our fridge)

Would you buy a bottle of orange juice with the label missing? How about if it were fresh-squeezed Simply Orange (style unknown) with coupons stuck to it because it was unlabeled?

I would. And I did for $3.99. Especially when the coupons added up to $4.50 and the cashier handed me $.51 in change. Thank you Safeway for paying me to buy your Simply Orange orange juice. It was delicious.

17 March 2009

St. Patrick's Day!

I enjoy a holiday as much as the next guy, but St. Patrick's Day is one of those fake man-made holidays. You know, like Valentine's Day or United Nations Day. So I don't get too excited, especially because I'm not Irish, I don't get drunk, and I don't have a pot of gold. But last year I realized an amazing movie that plays on cable every St. Patrick's Day has given me something to look forward to. That's right, it's time again to watch Leprechaun. (Not to mention Leprechaun 2, 3, and Leprechaun 4: In Space.)

If you have nothing to do, or even if you have something very important to do, I recommend checking out the Sci-Fi channel today between 12-2 pm. You won't be disappointed. Leprechaun is one of those movies that should be on the Best Worst Movies Ever list. It has a horrible storyline, horrible special effects, horrible acting, Jennifer Aniston (oh wait, I already mentioned horrible acting,) and a little person (Willow!) as the deadly leprechaun who is obsessed with recovering his stolen gold from simple country folk. Other memorable moments: a painting company called "3 Guys That Paint," a retarded fat guy who sees the leprechaun first but can't get anyone to believe him, the same retarded fat guy who wants to use the leprechaun's stolen gold to get himself an operation and make him "smart," the leprechaun riding a tricycle into town, the leprechaun pogo-sticking an antiques dealer to death, and the leprechaun imitating a child's voice to sing "Ring Around The Posies." It's so bad it's good. For some weird reason it only got 30% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I think that's just another example of the biased left wing media at work. And if I haven't sold you yet, just watch this trailer and tell me this doesn't do it for you:

14 March 2009

Pi Day!

C-Biscuit says:

12 March 2009

Why I Wish I Still Lived In Utah

Stop, collaborate, and listen. No, I'm not talking about the Nickelcade, Fat Cats, or the Jazz. I'm talking about THIS amazing reunion concert straight out of 1991:

It looks like I left Utah five years early. Maybe next time, Stanley Burrell and Robert Van Winkle.

09 March 2009

I'm A Barbie Girl

Barbie was born 50 years ago but maybe you didn't know this about her:
  • Full name: Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  • Human Dimensions: 39-18-33, 5'6", and 110 pounds.
  • Barbie is made from polyvinylchloride.
  • She and Ken broke up in 2004 but are now back together.
  • She has six siblings: Skipper, Tutti, Todd, Stacie, Kelly, Krissy.
  • Some of the phrases that Teen Talk Barbie said were, "Math class is tough!", "Will we ever have enough clothes?", and "I love shopping!"
  • Slumber Party Barbie came with a book entitled How To Lose Weight which advised, "Don't eat."
  • President Barbie ran in 2000 with a platform promoting opportunities for girls, educational excellence, and animal rights.
  • Barbie's first pet was a horse named Dancer.
  • The first Barbie sold for $3.00 and now sells for $10,000.
  • July 27 is National Barbie In A Blender Day.

Note: This information is from various unverified websites so please don't quote Oh, Pepper? for research papers, homework assignments, books, or other important documents requiring citation.

05 March 2009

Bad Day

I was having a bad day today. Until I ordered this CD:

Now I'm on the top of the world!

02 March 2009

Brigham Beard

Last month Utah beat BYU 94-88 in overtime. On Saturday BYU won 63-50. What was the difference, you ask? Home court advantage? Superior play? The Word of Wisdom?

Obviously, my Brigham Beard.

Go Cougars!