27 May 2009

Mustache May!

Some people say to me, "Why grow a mustache?" My answer is simple: "Because I can."

But if you need to justify your mustache to your employer or significant other, just remind them that it's Mustache May. You could also say that if it's okay with the BYU Honor Code, it should be okay with them. Or at last resort, kindly explain that nothing goes better with a bolo tie than a good old-fashioned mustache. You may even use this photo of me as an example if you like.

Happy Mustache May!

22 May 2009

National Bike Month!

You probably know that May is National Bike Month. But maybe you didn't know that I once raced against Lance Armstrong in the Tour De France.

I don't know what the big deal is about him winning the Tour seven times in a row. Those hills were nothing. I mean, look at the bike I was riding and the suit I had to wear and I still won the mountain stage!

18 May 2009

Don't Believe, Don't Call!

Well, the job search has been going pretty slowly. I know you're probably thinking, "How can someone as amazing and talented as you have a hard time finding a job?" To that I say I guess there aren't any openings that require experience with Photoshopping copyrighted images. Well folks, my luck is changing. I recently saw this amazing sign:

That phone number has changed my life and now I am making CEO income. In fact, I am making so much that my income has been capped by Obama's new CEO compensation rules. But how can I be upset? I'm earning CEO income from home. If you don't believe, don't call.

12 May 2009

Product Review: The Slanket

I admit I was pretty skeptical of The Slanket (and The Snuggie--what's the difference?) the moment I saw it in Skymall magazine. And now you see these things everywhere, even as free product placement on hit TV shows like last week's episode of 30 Rock. I didn't get why they were so popular but I guess what really bothered me about The Slanket is that I didn't think of it first. Why couldn't I get rich off of an extra-long robe that people wear backwards while laying on the couch and watching TV? Oh yeah, I only think of life-changing inventions that actually make sense.

But anyway, I was in BB&B the other day and saw one for $14.99. I had a $5 off coupon in my pocket so I thought I would buy one for Robin. She's been bothering me about getting one of these things for weeks. Well let me tell you, I don't think I'll ever regret it. For one thing, no more, "Can you change the channel for me? I'm too cold to reach the remote." or "Can you pick up my phone and see who's calling? I don't want to move my arm from under the covers." (She screens calls a lot.)

Here she is enjoying a nice book, hands-free. Look how happy she is.

As if you could top that off, I've discovered some other activities for which The Slanket can be very useful. For example, has this ever been you in those cold early hours on the golf course?

Well not anymore! Swing away in warmth!

Do you find the hard, wooden pews at church a little drafty? Not anymore! Sing the hymns of Zion with sunshine in your soul!

Do you find driving in your car a little too cold, even with its built-in heater? Not anymore! Drive through traffic in style and comfort!

Do you like to jog but hate getting bundled up in sweats, leggings, and jackets? Not anymore! Just throw on a toasty Slanket for those early-mornings runs!

Do you love playing your Wii but wish there was a way to stay warm while doing yoga AND have your hands free to hold your Wiimote? Not anymore!

You obviously wish you had your own.

08 May 2009

Why Dogs Are Superior To Humans: An Essay

Scientists seem pretty busy these days looking for intelligent life on other planets but maybe they should be looking a little closer to home. It's pretty obvious that man's best friend, the dog, is superior to humans.

First of all, let's talk about puppies and baby humans. Dogs can walk almost immediately after birth. On the other hand, people get excited about and make home videos of their one-year-old's first steps. By this time, a dog born on the same day is running circles around that baby chump. And he can probably swim, too. Along the same lines, you can leave a puppy fenced in your kitchen all day while you're at work and it'll be fine. Don't even think about doing that with your baby or you'll have CPS on your back before you can say, "Woof!"

Next, dogs can survive on trash and toilet water. I'm not saying that I'd like to live off those things, but if times were tough, it would be nice to eat an apple core off the street or quench your thirst from the bowl if you needed to without fear of getting sick. Also, dogs aren't aren't picky eaters--they eat dog food! Plus they get so excited to finish a plate of human dinner when all you get from a kid is, "Mom, I don't like vegetables! I want ice cream!"

Another obvious dog superiority involves going to the bathroom. All a dog needs is a fire hydrant, tree, or some grass and he's good to go. A human, on the other hand, demands clean and fresh bathrooms with high ceilings, marble countertops, private stalls, and high-power flushers to do the same job. Not to mention toilet paper. Dogs are probably five times more efficient doing their business because they skip the whole toilet paper step. (And have you ever seen a dog in diapers? I don't think so.)

Next, dogs don't waste their time with trivial things like choosing an outfit in the morning. Talk about low maintenance. Just give them a bath once in a while and they're ready for a night on the town. Sure, some humans think it's cute to put a little sweater on their dog in the winter but dogs think this is stupid. They have fur! (They also beat up the dogs who wear sweaters.) Think of all the money dogs save by living every day in the nude. They're geniuses.

Another human inferiority is that they rely too much on doctors. Sure, dogs sometimes go to vets, but does your dog have more prescriptions than you do? Not a chance. Plus, why is it that dogs can give unsupervised birth to a whole litter of puppies in your home but a human can't even push out one kid without nine months' of Lemaze classes and the help of doctors and nurses at the hospital?

Finally, note how dogs get treats from humans for doing simple tasks like rolling over. When's the last time your dog gave you a treat for feeding it, giving it a bath, or buying it a new doggie bed? Or, how about the last time your dog picked up your droppings during a walk? I bet never. Your dog is owning you, humans. I could go on and on but obviously dogs have been superior to humans for quite some time now. And they can't even walk on two legs!

05 May 2009

Cinco De Mayo!

If you're still not sure how I feel about mayo, just read THIS.