08 May 2009

Why Dogs Are Superior To Humans: An Essay

Scientists seem pretty busy these days looking for intelligent life on other planets but maybe they should be looking a little closer to home. It's pretty obvious that man's best friend, the dog, is superior to humans.

First of all, let's talk about puppies and baby humans. Dogs can walk almost immediately after birth. On the other hand, people get excited about and make home videos of their one-year-old's first steps. By this time, a dog born on the same day is running circles around that baby chump. And he can probably swim, too. Along the same lines, you can leave a puppy fenced in your kitchen all day while you're at work and it'll be fine. Don't even think about doing that with your baby or you'll have CPS on your back before you can say, "Woof!"

Next, dogs can survive on trash and toilet water. I'm not saying that I'd like to live off those things, but if times were tough, it would be nice to eat an apple core off the street or quench your thirst from the bowl if you needed to without fear of getting sick. Also, dogs aren't aren't picky eaters--they eat dog food! Plus they get so excited to finish a plate of human dinner when all you get from a kid is, "Mom, I don't like vegetables! I want ice cream!"

Another obvious dog superiority involves going to the bathroom. All a dog needs is a fire hydrant, tree, or some grass and he's good to go. A human, on the other hand, demands clean and fresh bathrooms with high ceilings, marble countertops, private stalls, and high-power flushers to do the same job. Not to mention toilet paper. Dogs are probably five times more efficient doing their business because they skip the whole toilet paper step. (And have you ever seen a dog in diapers? I don't think so.)

Next, dogs don't waste their time with trivial things like choosing an outfit in the morning. Talk about low maintenance. Just give them a bath once in a while and they're ready for a night on the town. Sure, some humans think it's cute to put a little sweater on their dog in the winter but dogs think this is stupid. They have fur! (They also beat up the dogs who wear sweaters.) Think of all the money dogs save by living every day in the nude. They're geniuses.

Another human inferiority is that they rely too much on doctors. Sure, dogs sometimes go to vets, but does your dog have more prescriptions than you do? Not a chance. Plus, why is it that dogs can give unsupervised birth to a whole litter of puppies in your home but a human can't even push out one kid without nine months' of Lemaze classes and the help of doctors and nurses at the hospital?

Finally, note how dogs get treats from humans for doing simple tasks like rolling over. When's the last time your dog gave you a treat for feeding it, giving it a bath, or buying it a new doggie bed? Or, how about the last time your dog picked up your droppings during a walk? I bet never. Your dog is owning you, humans. I could go on and on but obviously dogs have been superior to humans for quite some time now. And they can't even walk on two legs!

1 comment:

Yaj said...

You aren't going to believe this, but this morning's inspection started with a dog meeting me at the door, and wearing a diaper!