30 June 2009

Big Surprise

And here's what the sign on the door says:

There you have it.

26 June 2009

Farewell, King of Pop

Oh Michael Jackson, you were such a complicated, creepy man, but you made some sweet music and people were obsessed with you. You had a chimpanzee named Bubbles who cleaned your room for you and a son named Blanket whom you hung over a four-story balcony. You shared a bed with other people's children and you were sued by some of their parents, but you also invented the moon walk and were invited to the White House by two different Presidents. You owned all the Beatles songs and you're the reason we can't legally sing "Happy Birthday" at restaurants, but you gave millions of dollars to charities and made white gloves cool again. You underwent four rhinoplasties and had slits for a nose, but a whole prison in The Philippines danced peacefully to your music video choreography for Thriller. Your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi, and your property was called Neverland. You showed us it is possible to to marry your nurse, not live together, but somehow procreate. You wore pajamas to court and you were in a 3-D space movie. You were tried for touching children inappropriately, but this stopped Jay Leno from telling lame jokes in his annoying voice and that was really cool. You were considered a freak in America, but you were invited to live in Bahrain as a personal guest of Sheikh Abdullah. You sold 750 million albums and won 13 Grammy Awards, but you were bankrupt. You had a soft, effeminate voice but you taught us that it doesn't matter if you're black or white, literally. Farewell, King of Pop.

25 June 2009

Trashtalking 101

Obviously the best part of competitive activities is the trashtalking. It's probably even more fun than the activity itself. When else is it perfectly acceptable and even expected to berate someone? For example, if your mom is cooking dinner you probably shouldn't criticize her stirring methods or use of spices. But, on a show like Hell's Kitchen where contestants compete to become the owner of a new restaurant, it's perfectly okay for Chef Ramsey to call someone an idiot for chopping an onion wrong.

There are really only two rules when it comes to trashtalking at a sporting event. Just follow these two simple rules and you'll be fine. First, if using a sign, don't spell words wrong or use bad grammar. Second, make sure your team wins. Especially if you're wearing facepaint. You'll look like an idiot walking out of the stadium.

Here's what not to do:

(Why are there bombs on the poster?)

Because at the end of the game you might look like this:

(Dude, what's on your face?)

And the other team might look like this:

Because with your help they just advanced to the Semifinals of the Confederations Cup on a fluke tiebreaker:

And then beat Spain, the #1 team in the world, to advance to the Final:

When you're a US Soccer fan, you should take full advantage of trashtalking opportunities like these. They don't come around too often.

18 June 2009

Church History Tour: Palmyra

Last weekend I got to visit the church sites where it all began: PALMYRA!!! I didn't find any gold plates, but I saw some cool stuff.

My parents actually took me here back in '82. I don't remember very much but I've always had this weird memory of them putting me on this stone pillar that was about twenty feet high. And I remember crying the whole time they tried to take a picture of me. Well, I found that "twenty foot stone pillar" and for some reason it didn't seem so scary this time around.
Poor little baby! Why isn't your little sister crying, too, baby?!?!

The Hill Cumorah.

The one downer was that Mrs. Smith was pretty mean and wouldn't even answer the door.

Thanks for the good times, Palmyra. Next stop, Kirtland!

14 June 2009

Flag Day!

Happy Flag Day to all!

And if you've been thinking to yourself recently, "C-Biscuit is really slipping. Oh Pepper? just isn't what it used to be," you're probably right. Maybe it's like when Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters have to ask for ideas at the end of their shows because they're not creative enough to come up with their own. Not that I want blog ideas from you. If you send me one I will put your email in the spam folder. I just wanted to acknowledge the drought of A+ blogs on Oh Pepper? Thank you.

11 June 2009

Dear TSA,

I want to thank you for preventing me from taking my 6 oz. Yoplait through airport security the other day. It was very careless of me. Those yogurt cultures can be very dangerous, especially when there are more than 3 ounces of them in a single container. If I had paid more attention to your helpful and informational Prohibited Items sign, I would have known better.

Also, thank you for taking the time to explain to me that it was safe to eat my yogurt in the “unsecure” area of the airport (before the metal detectors) but not after entering the “sterile” area of the airport (after the metal detectors.) This now makes total sense to me and I feel silly for having questioned your logic on why I couldn’t just open my Yoplait and eat it in front of you so as not to waste it. You made my flight safer that day. Please know that your tireless efforts don't go unnoticed.


03 June 2009

Dear UPS,

People always say that you can do anything with a law degree. Well, I'd like to be a UPS driver. Do you have any openings?

I think I'd go a great job. I'm always in a hurry, I'm an amazing driver, and I'm not afraid to honk at people when they get in the way of my delivery truck. Plus I love wearing brown and I especially love short shorts. Look:

Call me anytime for an interview. I'm ready to work!