26 December 2009

Boxing Day!

Happy Boxing Day to all! You may be asking yourself, "What is Boxing Day, anyway?" Well, let me tell you. Boxing Day is a Canadian holiday that commemorates the day Mike Tyson's Punch Out was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. Punch Out was especially popular in Canada and so this holiday was created as a way for the Canadians to feel better about not having a cool holiday like the American Thanksgiving Day. The rest is history.

25 December 2009

Merry Christmas!

Well, wrapping paper is all over the floor so you know Christmas is here. Here's what I wish I had gotten this year but didn't:

Jumpin Jammerz: The "one-piece footed pajamas for pre-teens, teenagers, and adults" (and apparently my old roommate, Reed, pictured here.)

Egg Genie: Because boiling eggs is so hard.

And if that video wasn't enough, check out this testimonial from Mike J. in Spring Grove, Illinois:

Ab Away 2: (But only if it comes with the jean shorts.)

Bathroom Maid: Because I need a classier way to dispense my toilet paper.

Hoveround: Watch the video and you'll see why.

And in case you didn't get that present you were hoping for, this is dedicated to you from me:

22 December 2009

The Breakup

A while ago I watched that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry had an extra ticket to a school play and as he was talking to his agent Jeff about it, Jeff's gardener overheard and said he would go with Larry. Of course there was an awkward moment and Larry didn't know what to say but they ended up going together. The whole "date" was awkward all the way to the doorstep scene where the gardener lingered too long to say goodbye. You might think that this only happens on funny TV shows but it doesn't. It happens to people like me.

Over the past few years we've tried to be nice to our mailman, Tony (name changed to protect his true identity.) He's probably in his late thirties and he's very diligent at what he does. To say thanks for a job well done, sometimes we would leave some candy at a holiday or whatnot. While I was looking for a job I was home during the day a lot and I would be there to receive packages in person. He was nice enough and we would chat a little about the weather, the crappy Seattle sports teams, etc. But I will say that usually he would linger a little too long and I didn't know how to end the conversation.

Then when I was training for the marathon sometimes he would see me running around the neighborhood while on his route. Once at the end of my run he happened to be there and he said we should go running together. I said okay even though I didn't ever plan to. No offense, Tony the Mailman, but I don't even run with my wife. I run alone. Then another time he said again that we should run together. This time when I said okay he said, "But how will I meet up with you?" I was like, "You can knock on my door since you know where I live." But that wasn't enough and he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him because I didn't know what else to say. He never called, though, so I forgot about it.

Then a couple months ago I happened to be home during the day and he brought a package by. Of course we chatted for a while and I had a hard time getting away like always. Not that I don't like talking to people, but it was just getting a little weird. Anyway, he left but a few minutes later he knocked on my door again and said something like, "Hey, can I get your number again? My son was fooling with my phone and lost it." So I gave it to him again (what else was I supposed to do?) and that's when he asked if I liked playing video games and invited me to come over to play Playstation sometime (no date or time set.)

So of course I go on with my life, forgetting that that happened, and not thinking that we would ever actually play Playstation. Then a few weeks ago he requested to add me on Facebook!!! Only at first I didn't recognize who he was since I only knew his first name from his name tag and his profile picture was of his kid. So of course I rejected the request but the next day again there was another friend request and a message that made me realize it was Tony the Mailman. So now I didn't know what to do. I mean, I have no problem rejecting someone's friend request on Facebook but this was different: this was my mailman who I would see again and who had my phone number. Plus, we've all heard news stories of mailmen going postal. Who knows what he could do to my precious mail and packages if I got on his bad side.

So I accepted the friend request (what else was I supposed to do?) and forgot about it until he sent me TWO messages on Facebook wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. He commented on some photos, too. The weird thing was that he often was sending Facebook messages and making photo comments in the morning when I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be delivering people's mail. I never responded to any comments or messages, though.

Then last week I was at work and an unknown number called my phone. I answered and it was Tony the Mailman. He said that he had a package for me and would I want him to hold it for me so I wouldn't have to pick it up at the post office and stand in long lines? This seemed very unusual to me but for some reason I said okay (what else was I supposed to do?). It turns out he lived about a half block away from me so on the way home from work I stopped by to get my package. He was having dinner with his family so he introduced me to his wife and kid, gave me the package, and then said nervously, "Hey, if you're not too busy would you want to have dinner tomorrow if you're not too busy?" Now, any guy out there will know that he was really nervous to ask me out to dinner because he repeated twice the same phrase in his invite: "if you're not too busy." I informed him that we were going to our church Christmas party that night. He seemed disappointed.

Then last week I got another voicemail on my phone and it was from Tony the Mailman again. Only this time he didn't ask me if I wanted him to hold onto a package for me to pick up later; he just brought it home and called me after the fact. Now, I was a little annoyed at this because I'm pretty sure it's against the rules for postal workers to bring someone's mail home and I didn't want to make a habit of having to go to his house during dinner and get my mail. So I called back and left a message that I would prefer to just get my packages the normal way where I go pick them up at the post office.

A couple days later I went to the post office to get my packages. While in line, of course I saw none other than Tony the Mailman. It was a very awkward moment and I could tell that he wasn't his normal self around me. I think I must have hurt his feelings or something because he came up to me with a crestfallen look and said he hoped he hadn't caused me any inconvenience with my packages. So I left but then later that day when we opened our mailbox there was a package jammed in there with all the other mail bent out of shape. I can't help but think he was making a point that, "See, I could have brought this home with me and saved it for you but no, you don't want me to do that so I will just have to jam it in your mailbox and make it fit! See how you like that!"

So that's the story of how I broke up with Tony the Mailman. Or at least how I think I did--I'll probably get invited to Christmas dinner in a couple of days. You might read this and say that I brought this on myself by accepting his invitations to run, giving him my phone number, and accepting his friend request on Facebook. Maybe you're right, but since when does being nice to your civil servants mean that you want to hang out with them?

18 December 2009

Why You Wish You Had BYU-TV

CAUTION: If you start watching this, you won't be able to look away!!!

15 December 2009

'Tis The Season!

Sometimes with all the commercialization of Christmas, it's hard to remember the real meaning of the holiday. Carols about reindeer with red noses, stories of a big fat guy in a red suit coming down the chimney to bring kids presents, and songs about a snow man who magically comes to life and then dies as children watch can make us forget that Christmas is really about Jesus' birthday. That's why I'm thankful for The Oriental Trading Company's new "Happy Birthday Jesus!" line.

How about a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" pencil to write down your Christmas list?

Or some "Happy Birthday Jesus!" cups in which to drink your egg nog?

And don't forget the "Happy Birthday Jesus!" ornaments to decorate your beautiful Christmas tree.

And for the big morning, why not welcome the family to the presents smorgasbord with a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" banner (measuring 5' x 1')?

No need to bust out grandma's china when you can enjoy the Christmas ham on your new sturdy "Happy Birthday Jesus!" paper plates.

If you can't feel the spirit of Christmas now, I think there's something wrong with you.

11 December 2009

Dear Golf Digest,

You really had perfect timing this month. What are the odds that your current cover story, "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger," would come out the same week Tiger crashed his car into a tree and his multiple extra-marital affairs were revealed? Your premonition that Tiger was qualified to give advice to the President was spot on.

I'm not sure if I agree with all of Tiger's tips, though. Take these, for example:

Tip 1: Choose one day and always wear the same color that day. I call red on Sundays, but you can purple on Tuesdays.
Tip 3: Having extra-marital affairs with a dozen women across the country will do wonders for your marriage, career, and image.
Tip 4: Sign an endorsement deal with GM. That way, if you want a free new car, you just have to back your old SUV into a fire hydrant and the neighbor's tree.
Tip 7: Wearing Nike hats at all times is the best way to hide your rapidly progressing baldness.
Tip 9: Fans love it when you swear or throw your clubs after a bad shot. Do this whenever possible.

Maybe you should stick with tips on how to get out of the bunker?

My other question is why are people saying, "How could Tiger cheat on his wife? She is hot!" Do they think it would be okay if she weren't?