24 January 2010

Dear Brett Favre,

Today at church I taught possibly the worst Sunday School lesson of my entire life (unless you count those times in college when my roommates came to my class and made goofy comments and asked fake questions to screw with me the whole time.)

It was pathetic. I stumbled around, asked lame questions, and ran out of material with FIFTEEN minutes left. Afterwards I went home early because I couldn't bear to show my face anymore. Later during lunch even Robin said she felt embarrassed for me. That made me feel better (written in Sarcastica font.)

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself most of the day. That is, until you gave away another NFC Championship Game with a last-second interception. I'm pretty sure you had a worse day than me. Millions of people saw your performance and there were only like 25 people in my class. Plus SportsCenter will be showing highlights of your game for who knows how long. The only visual evidence of me teaching is this photo someone took with their camera phone:

To top it off, if you finally retire, you will have to live with this loss for the rest of your life. As for me, I'll be teaching again in a couple of weeks and if I bring some treats next time, I'm golden. Thanks for putting things in perspective, Brett. I suddenly feel a lot better about myself.


P.S. But I really wanted you to stick it to Green Bay. For spite.

18 January 2010

Howdy, Neighbor!

Jerry had Kramer. Homer has Flanders. And now I have Tony the Mailman.

Yes, that's right. My mailman just moved into my building.

You're probably thinking, "If I know Oh Pepper?, you're making this up. This is way too far-fetched to be real. And you just told us how you broke up with your mailman."

Well, I thought so, too. For the past month there really hasn't been any contact with him besides a note with our mail on Christmas Eve saying he hoped we had a good Christmas. (I'm pretty sure no one else got that note.)

Then last night we tried to go somewhere but our car was blocked by a mattress delivery truck. The delivery guys were taking their sweet time bringing a mattress to the bottom apartment in our building through the side door. I walked over and told them I couldn't get out. When I got back in my car to wait I looked over again and there was Tony the Mailman standing by the delivery guys. He was looking at me and smiling but I couldn't believe my eyes (I wasn't wearing my glasses and plus he was kind of far away) so I looked away to comprehend what was going on. I said to Robin, "I think that's Tony the Mailman." She looked and agreed with me. Then we drove away repeating the phrase, "Oh my gosh," over and over.

Later when we got home we looked at the names on the mailboxes and sure enough, there it was: "Apt. 101: Tony the Mailman."

So let me recap things for you:

1. Over the past couple of years I got to know my mailman because he always lingered a little longer than necessary when I happened to be home to receive a package. He would often go off on uncomfortable tangents like how he has bad credit or why USPS management sucks.
2. A few months ago he invited himself to jog with me.
3. A few months ago he asked for my phone number.
4. A couple of months ago he invited me to play Playstation with him.
5. A couple of months ago he added me on Facebook.
6. Last month he invited me to dinner.
7. Last month he started taking my packages home and calling me at night to pick them up from his house.
8. Last month I told him to please not do that and we had an awkward encounter at the post office where he apologized.
9. This week he moved into my apartment building and we're neighbors.
10. Are you kidding me!?!?

How is crap like American Idol on TV and my life isn't?

15 January 2010

I'm With Coco

Dear NBC,

Here are ten twenty-five reasons you're being idiots for choosing Jay over Conan:

1. Jay isn't actually funny.
2. Big hair > Big chin.
3. Jay isn't actually funny.
4. Conan's skit, "The Year 2000."
5. Jay isn't actually funny.
6. Conan's skit, "Conando!"
7. Jay isn't actually funny.
8. Conan's skit, "If They Mated."
9. Jay isn't actually funny.
10. Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger lever.
11. Jay isn't actually funny.
12. Conan's nerd voice where he pushes up his fake glasses and talks about Star Trek and Lord of the Rings.
13. Jay isn't actually funny.
14. Conan's string puppet dance.
15. Jay isn't actually funny.
16. Jay's best skits, "Headlines" and "Jay-walking," aren't actually funny.
17. Jay isn't actually funny.
18. Conan's character, "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog."
19. Jay isn't actually funny.
20. Max Weinberg > Kevin Eubanks.
21. Jay isn't actually funny.
22. Even the other late night hosts agree that Jay isn't actually funny.
23. Jay isn't actually funny.
24. I'll be really sad if you take Conan off the air.
25. Jay isn't actually funny.

Also, I read that your corporate big-wig, Dick Ebersol, called Conan "gutless" and "chicken-hearted." I'm sorry, but when a dude looks like this:

I have a hard time hearing anything he says.


13 January 2010

If You Find Them In The Good Book

For all you kids out there who want to swear and let it all out but are worried about getting in trouble, I have just the thing for you. My new single, "If You Find Them In The Good Book," conveniently delineates which swear words are okay to say since they are found in the scriptures. Because if you find them in the good book then they’re good enough for me.

In case you want to sing along with the chorus:

So listen up, and gather ‘round
I’ve got some words to say
If they’re in the holy scriptures
Then they’re bound to be okay
So listen up, and gather ‘round
I’ll set your conscience free
If you find them in the good book
Then they’re good enough for me

03 January 2010

¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

While you were awaiting my first blog entry of 2010 I was fooling with the mariachi band playing at our hotel on New Year's Eve,

growing an awesome mustache with my bro to show our respect for Tom Selleck,

being forced to pose for cheesy photos by the mother,

learning from an informative sign at the restaurant in Chichen Itza,

partaking of some delicious Chinese food and pizza at an authentic Mexican restaurant,

buying some cool Mexican wrestling masks inspired by the movie Nacho Libre,

paying $76 to go swimming with some nice little fish,

setting a new course record for most mulligans ever taken at El Cameleon, home of the 2010 PGA Mayakoba Golf Classic,

and wondering if this ad on the TV screen before the flight through Salt Lake was just a coincidence.

¡Viva 2010!