14 May 2010


If you haven't heard about David Morales Colon of Puerto Rico, here he is. He died not too long ago but instead of a traditional funeral viewing, as you can see he opted for the upgrade package where they posthumously dress you in your favorite biking outfit and pose you on your motorcycle. Needless to say, that's quite a lasting final memory for all of your funeral attendees to take home with them.

You might think he's a little strange, but I think he's a pioneer. And the idea of a grand finale goodbye for your friends and family is intriguing. So I thought of some poses of my taxodermied self that I would like to consider for my final viewing in place of a boring open coffin:
  • Dressed in Air Jordans, basketball shorts, and a jersey, I'm suspended in mid-air as I posterize a lifesize cut-out of Michael Jordan with an amazing dunk. A thought bubble from him will say, "It must be the shoes."
  • Dressed as Davy Crockett, complete with musket, leather pants, and coon skin cap, I re-enact the defense of the Alamo. Only this time, a cut-out of Santa Anna will be my butler!
  • Dressed in an argyle sweater vest and saddle shoes, I putt on a mini golf course hole complete with windmill while a cut-out of Phil Mickelson gently claps for me in the background.
  • Dressed in a Speedo and with a smile on my face, I relax in a bubbly hot tub with the jets on while Hot Tub Time Machine is playing on DVD. (It'll be the first time I see it because I won't have time to waste on that junk while I'm alive.)
  • Dressed in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt and with my mouth wide open, I sit forward with my elbows on a picnic table while participating in a simulated food-eating contest where I'm downing an extra large cheese pizza next to a cut-out of speed-eating champion Takeru Kobayashi as he looks on in astonishment.
  • Dressed in the Argentine soccer uniform and suspended in mid-air, I re-enact the famous 1986 Maradona 'Hand of God' goal. Only this time I accidentally score on my own team to give England the World Cup victory they rightly deserved.
  • Dressed like a L.A. cop with black sunglasses from the '90s, I stand with my hand on my holster across from a lifesize cut-out of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator in Terminator 2. A thought bubble from him will say, "Hasta la vista, baby."
  • Dressed in a fine Italian suit, I make my final argument to cut-outs of the jury from Twelve Angry Men sitting in a real jury box. No sign will be necessary to inform funeral attendees that I'm about to successfully win a ruling that will ban all sales of mayonnaise in the United States!
  • Dressed in fur and leather with disheveled hair like a cave man, I crouch over some sticks in a wooded setting. There will be a look of pure astonishment and excitement on my face as I discover not only fire, but s'mores!
If you have a better idea for my funeral viewing setup, feel free to leave a comment. (But keep in mind that I still have to fit into a coffin afterward.)

1 comment:

Yaj said...

Will you be frozen in any of the above positions? If so, you may have to pay a bit more for the custom-shaped coffin.

Or just be buried in a great, big basketball show.

Either way works for me.

So, which scenario appeals to you most?