30 September 2010

People Who Surprisingly Aren't Unemployed

You've probably read in the news that the economy is in the tank. And you probably know someone with a great education and a lot of experience who can't find a job. That's why it's amazing that certain people actually have jobs right now. This blog is about some of those people.

The UPS whiteboard guy: We all know who this guy is. First of all, he needs to get a haircut. He might not be sporting a mullet per se, but those locks are way too long for his own good. And besides drawing stupid diagrams on a magical whiteboard that go along with his 30-second blurb, what else can he do? He's probably never even delivered a package in his life. I don't know how he got this gig with UPS but I don't see him going anywhere but down from this point on. Maybe the Post Office?

Chris Berman from ESPN: He's been with ESPN since its inception but he got famous in the '90s for his "clever" nicknames for baseball players. For example, "Tony Gwynn For The Gipper." Blah. He looks like George Costanza, only stockier and without the glasses, yet he is the face of ESPN. Then there's this urban legend about him picking up some beautiful woman named "Leather" in a bar. I've never known what to make of that. And it's not even like he knows that much about sports. Every year his record is horrible as he makes weekly NFL picks as the "Swami." If not for ESPN, he'd be your weird used car salesman uncle who comes to Thanksgiving dinner wearing a tacky holiday sweater.

Kathy Griffin: I've disliked her since she was in an episode of Seinfeld in the '90s. She played a friend of George's fiancee', Susan, who was really annoying and caused a lot of unnecessary grief for Jerry over a bottle of barbecue sauce. I don't think there's much reason to believe she's any different in real life. It's amazing that she has a TV show and that people actually watch it. Granted, it's called, "My Life on the D-List," but still. The last commercial I saw for it she was talking about getting a papsmear on national TV. Seriously?

The lab girl from NCIS: I'm not even sure of her name. I just know she plays a forensic scientist on NCIS. And she sometimes wears a spike collar and she always drinks fake Super Big Gulps. I've never seen her in real life, but would you hire her to do anything for you? Anything? I hope she's saving all her paychecks from NCIS because once that show is canceled, it's back to the mosh pits for her.

Paul Shaffer from The Late Show: After Jay Leno, this guy is the biggest dope on late night TV. The glasses, outlandish outfits, lame interjections, and bad music just don't do it for me. And hopefully not for anyone. He sums up perfectly, "If not this, then what would he be doing?" I've been sitting here for a half hour and I can't come up with anything. Seriously, a half hour. I guess I'm the loser now.

For next time: the entire Jersey Shore cast, Justin Bieber, all the Kardashians, and anyone who has anything to do whatsoever with Twilight!

24 September 2010


You probably already know I don't understand free license plate holder advertising but these vanity plates I recently saw are even more puzzling. Who knew that two different people would think to put the President's name on their license plate? I know Washington is a blue state but come on! Plus, what is the President going to do if he moves here after his term and wants to personalize his own license plate?

President: "Let me be clear: I'd like a vanity plate with either of my names, please."

DMV: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but they are both taken. For some reason two separate individuals are paying $50 extra annually to have your names engraved on their license plates."

President: "Let me be clear: they could have just put free bumper stickers on their cars."

DMV: "We know, sir. But you could still spell '8ARACK' and 'O8AMA' with eights if you want."

President: "Make no mistake, we need some real change here! Let me be clear: I will get my names back from the American people!"

10 September 2010

Why I Love The NFL: An Essay

The NFL season officially started last night and it got me thinking about all the reasons why I love the NFL. Here are just a few:

Player Character
I think it's great that the kids these days have so many role models to whom they can look up. I'd personally be proud if my kids wore a Ben Roethlisberger or Michael Vick jersey to school. And remember, when players are publicly accused of committing an alleged crime, they are innocent until proven guilty. Please don't let the corrupt legal system and biased media taint your views of these otherwise upstanding and inspiring young men. (But maybe you shouldn't have Michael Vick dog sit for you.)

Fantasy Football
I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my spare time than manage a roster of football players from teams I don't like so their stats can compete against my friends' rosters of football players from teams they don't like. And wives love it, too--now their husbands need to watch every game instead of just the one featuring their favorite team. Thank you, Al Gore, for inventing the internet and making all this possible.

Stadium Experience
There really is nothing like the NFL stadium experience--polite, ebriated fans, delicious yet inexpensive concessions, and great views for very reasonable prices. I don't know why anyone would watch a game in HD on their comfy couch at home and it doesn't make any sense to me that half the stadiums don't sell out each week.

I love celebrations so of course I enjoy how players dance, shake, and oscillate to celebrate every routine tackle, catch, and play they make. Really, there should be more celebrating in real life when you accomplish simple tasks that you are expected to accomplish. For example, why shouldn't the mailman have a choreographed dance all ready for each time he puts a letter in your mailbox? NFL players have it right and they're obviously ahead of the rest of us.

Player Loyalty
It's easy to consistently cheer for your team when you see how committed the players are to the fans, the city, and the team. As players repeatedly reject bigger contracts to go elsewhere, you can't help but be reminded that it's not just about money for these guys: they care about giving back to the community. Albert Haynesworth, you know who you are.

Knowing that players who talk like this can still make millions of dollars is a great reminder that everything is right in the world:

I love this game!

07 September 2010


I labored this Labor Day weekend by doing some vacuuming. I actually really like vacuuming. It's kind of like mowing the lawn, but better, because afterwards you don't smell like yard work. (I like that smell almost as much as I like how ESPN broadcasts 10 hours a day of the Little League World Series every August.)

Anyway, next time I get in trouble for having my PEZ dispenser collection or for buying a pair of Air Jordans for the church basketball league, I think I will remind Robin that I consistently clean hairballs like these (and sometimes bigger) out of the vacuum:

All I'm sayin' is my hair isn't that long. If you know what I'm sayin'.