30 September 2010

People Who Surprisingly Aren't Unemployed

You've probably read in the news that the economy is in the tank. And you probably know someone with a great education and a lot of experience who can't find a job. That's why it's amazing that certain people actually have jobs right now. This blog is about some of those people.

The UPS whiteboard guy: We all know who this guy is. First of all, he needs to get a haircut. He might not be sporting a mullet per se, but those locks are way too long for his own good. And besides drawing stupid diagrams on a magical whiteboard that go along with his 30-second blurb, what else can he do? He's probably never even delivered a package in his life. I don't know how he got this gig with UPS but I don't see him going anywhere but down from this point on. Maybe the Post Office?

Chris Berman from ESPN: He's been with ESPN since its inception but he got famous in the '90s for his "clever" nicknames for baseball players. For example, "Tony Gwynn For The Gipper." Blah. He looks like George Costanza, only stockier and without the glasses, yet he is the face of ESPN. Then there's this urban legend about him picking up some beautiful woman named "Leather" in a bar. I've never known what to make of that. And it's not even like he knows that much about sports. Every year his record is horrible as he makes weekly NFL picks as the "Swami." If not for ESPN, he'd be your weird used car salesman uncle who comes to Thanksgiving dinner wearing a tacky holiday sweater.

Kathy Griffin: I've disliked her since she was in an episode of Seinfeld in the '90s. She played a friend of George's fiancee', Susan, who was really annoying and caused a lot of unnecessary grief for Jerry over a bottle of barbecue sauce. I don't think there's much reason to believe she's any different in real life. It's amazing that she has a TV show and that people actually watch it. Granted, it's called, "My Life on the D-List," but still. The last commercial I saw for it she was talking about getting a papsmear on national TV. Seriously?

The lab girl from NCIS: I'm not even sure of her name. I just know she plays a forensic scientist on NCIS. And she sometimes wears a spike collar and she always drinks fake Super Big Gulps. I've never seen her in real life, but would you hire her to do anything for you? Anything? I hope she's saving all her paychecks from NCIS because once that show is canceled, it's back to the mosh pits for her.

Paul Shaffer from The Late Show: After Jay Leno, this guy is the biggest dope on late night TV. The glasses, outlandish outfits, lame interjections, and bad music just don't do it for me. And hopefully not for anyone. He sums up perfectly, "If not this, then what would he be doing?" I've been sitting here for a half hour and I can't come up with anything. Seriously, a half hour. I guess I'm the loser now.

For next time: the entire Jersey Shore cast, Justin Bieber, all the Kardashians, and anyone who has anything to do whatsoever with Twilight!


Lildonbro said...

It's all very true. I totally agree with Paul Shaffer...what WOULD he do?

two forks said...

with all the crazies out there you have to target abby!?!? i feel like this was a personal attack! i'm not worried about abby. gibbs will take care of her.

calizona said...

Ouch - you're so harsh with my whiteboard guy. And it's not a mullet: It's a modified Yanni-do.

Jay said...

That's all you got?

The word I am supposed to type in to gain your approval of my post is


I guess that says it all... All of the above are fulame?