31 December 2010

The Festivus For The Rest Of Us!

Now that Christmas has come and gone, how about a little Oh Pepper? holiday recap for you? Here was our tree this year:



You can see Robin's presents from me underneath. As you can guess, people always love getting presents wrapped by me. I think it has to do with my glamorous and glitzy custom-wrapping jobs. I've thought about opening a gift-wrapping business to rival Nordstrom's but I just don't have the time it takes to do this full-time. If you're going to do something, do it right--that's what I always say. Anyway, it looks like Robin has been nice this year because she's apparently getting three pairs of shoes, something from Amazon, and Carnation instant breakfast.

An added bonus about this tree: we got it from a tree lot where Chocolate City (RIP) once stood:


Can't go wrong with that. Also, we went to a Christmas party last week with a white elephant gift exchange. I chose pickle gumballs and ranch-flavored toothpicks wrapped in a diaper. I had a hard time opening it since I've never changed a diaper before but the surprises inside were worth it. Unfortunately, though, someone stole it from me so I had to settle for bacon-flavored candy and bacon adhesive bandages.



Because nothing says "Christmas" like bacon-flavored candy and adhesive bandages. Now on to my "real" presents. This Edward bookmark is probably my favorite:



YES!!! Everyone knows how much I love Twilight and it's one of my resolutions this year to re-read all the books again so this was the perfect gift. Thanks, wife! A close second is this "Cute Overload" 2011 calendar:



Usually I get a golf course calendar for myself each year, but I'll probably buy the "Cute Overload" one from now on. Also, someone sent me a card saying they donated a llama, bees, chicks, sheep and rabbits to Heifer International "in my honor." I'll be honest with you, I've never been a big fan of these kinds of gifts. First of all, why not just send me the farm animals directly? I could use some fresh honeycombs, eggs, and wool. Second, like when George Costanza made fake donations to the Human Fund on behalf of his co-workers and kept the money for himself, how do you know Heifer International is real? 'Oh Pepper International' sounds just as legit. See for yourself:


Which one is real?

And finally, you know what the last week of December means: college bowl games! I really enjoyed watching powerhouse games such as the Little Caesars Bowl, R+L Carriers Bowl, Beef O' Brady's Bowl, uDrove Humanitarian Bowl, Maaco Bowl, and Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The rich history and tradition of these classic bowl games is matched by few American sporting events and to me it wouldn't be the Christmas season without spectacles like this.

Anyway, if the new year is half as amazing as my Christmas haul, you know it will be a good one. Happy New Year!

15 December 2010

Is NASCAR A Sport: An Essay



Some questions in life will never be answered. Like why Judah Friedlander is in the opening credits of 30 Rock, why panhandlers ask for money as they're smoking a cigarette, or why people say the Cowboys are 'America's Team'. But today let's talk about this one: is NASCAR a sport?

To do this we shall analyze the elements of the definition like any good attorney would. Dictionary.com defines the word "sport" as "an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often a competitive nature, such as racing*, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc." *Obviously 'racing' here is referring to running or cycling or the like.

First, is NASCAR an athletic activity? I don't think so. Sitting in a car is the same as sitting on a couch in my book. I mean, the drivers only break a sweat because they wear those goofy jumpsuits and it's hot inside the car. You could be 500 pounds and still drive a race car (if you could fit through the window.)

Next, does NASCAR require skill? Well, does it require skill for you or I to cruise on the interstate? I've been doing it for 15 years and it doesn't seem all that special to me. Plus when I do it, I actually turn right once in a while. (Conversely, one could argue that it does require some degree of talent to talk with a drawl.)

Next, does NASCAR require physical prowess? Well, note the fact that Dale Earnhardt was 50 in his last race and you tell me. As long as grandpas are behind the wheel, I'll have to go with no. (No offense, Dad Dad.)

Last, is NASCAR is competitive in nature? I'm actually going to concede this one but only because of my favorite scene from 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story where young Dale exclaims to his father in a moment of passion, "All I wanna do is race, Daddy!" Love it! I also really liked Ricky Bobby's and Cal Naughton's sweet "Shake 'n Bake!" move in the NASCAR documentary, Talladega Nights. (Who knew that a documentary would be able to capture that raw, competitive nature of NASCAR drivers so accurately?)

So in summary, NASCAR only meets one out of the four elements of the definition of "sport." Other arguments that don't help its case include the fact that it's boring and a complete waste of time. Also, I don't think people even watch NASCAR. You might say, "What about those large stadiums full of cheering (and smelly) fans?" I would say, "CGI. How do you think they had full stands of people in the background of Fever Pitch? We all know no one would have sat through the filming of that crap (or paid actual money to watch the movie.)"

Now that we know NASCAR isn't a sport, we can get back to answering more important questions. Like, why every Notre Dame home game is televised on NBC, if Michael Vick still has a thirst for dog fighting, or how people actually say to themselves, "I need a new car. Why not a Pontiac Aztek?"

06 December 2010

Google It!

Some of my favorite Google searches that have recently brought people to Oh Pepper? :
  • Why is mayonnaise gross
  • Rappers with gold teeth
  • Kanye West teeth
  • Island of the Blue Dolphins (this picture comes up)
  • Ice tea on Law and Order
  • Goldteeth
  • Liz Lemon mustache
  • Bindi Irwin and the Crocmen
  • Pictures of hairballs
  • Michael Vick dog pictures
  • Chris Berman and his bad neck ties
  • Vick jersey for dogs
Three cheers for the internet!