Oh Pepper?

When You're Here, You're Family!

2011-05-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

As if the bread sticks and chicken alfredo weren't enough, did someone really need to blow the whistle on Olive Garden's "Culinary Institute of Tuscany" for us to know they don't actually train their chefs in the hills of Italy? (Also, did anyone actually think the Olive Garden had real chefs?)

Tangled!

2011-04-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

A while back I told you about my doppelganger. Well, apparently I have another one because people have been telling me that I look like Flynn Rider from the Tangled movie. They mean it as a compliment but I don't really take it that way--not because Flynn is a cartoon but because I think he looks like a dork. And since I've always thought I look like a dork, it doesn't really help my self-image.

Anyway, I haven't seen the movie but here is a side-by-side comparison of the two of us:

Was I the inspiration for Flynn Rider? You be the judge.

Like I said, I don't really know much about Flynn, but I can think of five other Disney princes/protagonists that I'd rather be:

Aladdin. This guy was a diamond in the rough. Plus he had a magic carpet that could actually fly. And a genie who could do great voice-overs.

The Beast. Sure, he was really hairy and grouchy but people stayed out of his way when he wanted some time alone. Plus Mrs. Potts was a great housekeeper.

Prince Eric. He had a palace by the sea and a wife who could really sing! I'd get her to cover "Friday" for me as often as possible.

Quasimodo. I have bad posture anyway so this would be a natural fit for me. Except my eyes look normal. And my friends aren't imaginary gargoyles.

Simba. I've always wanted to be friends with a carefree warthog who takes life one day at a time. I wouldn't be too excited about living in Africa, though. I've lost enough money to the Nigerian money wiring scams already!

I Pity You April Fools!

2011-04-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Friday vs. Popcorn Popping!

2011-03-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Forty-nine million hits on YouTube in two weeks:

vs.

Eight hits in two years:

Friday wins!

But with lyrics like

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I ta-a-a-ake?

you shouldn't be too surprised. Also, I didn't have the budget for a sweet rap solo.

Update 4/1/11:

Friday: 72,733,709 hits.
Popcorn Popping: 52 hits.

I'll get you, Rebecca Black!

Cry Baby!

2011-03-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

The other day I heard this story on This American Life about people who cry during movies on airplanes. I'm one of them. Except I cry during movies, TV shows, and commercials, even when I'm not on an airplane. I mean, it's not real crying with tears coming down my face, but I'm definitely still a freak.

So I decided to make a list of times I cried during visual programming in the last month:

Oprah when she announced she had a long-lost half sister.
The Office when Michael and Holly finally got back together and kissed on the roof.
Eagle Eye when Shia Lebouf gets the military medal of honor alongside his father who until that moment had always been more proud of his twin brother.
House when Cuddy and House saved Cuddy's Mom's life and Cuddy and her Mom made up after years of tension.
The Office when Michael and Holly tell each other they love each other and shake hands.
The Grammys when Justin Bieber lost the "Best New Artist" award to that girl with the big hair.
The news when Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez (where has he been?!?!) compared Charlie's problems to cancer and expressed their love for him.
The Bachelor when Brad breaks up with Ashley before the rose ceremony because he cares too much about her.
Despicable Me when the orphan girls and the minions give Gru their money so that bankruptcy won't keep him from stealing the moon.

Awww, poor little cry baby! Do you need a bottle?!

Apostrophe Catastrophe!

2011-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

A few years back, when Oh Pepper? was still peaking, I posted this blog in honor of National Grammar Day (today). Maybe you remember this entry, but apparently it hasn't had much effect on the rest of the world because people all around me are still misusing apostrophes like Charlie Sheen bangs seven gram rocks. That's just how they roll.

For example, my former financial advisor sent me this email not too long ago:

And she was a "2nd Vice President." Obviously I had to fire her. You may say to me, "Why does it matter if your financial advisor misuses an apostrophe once in a while?" I may say to you, "Can I trust someone who can't spell a five-letter word correctly to successfully manage the massive fortune generated over the years by Oh Pepper??"

I also recently received this email from Delta Airlines:

What the heck is a "head's up"? And how can I trust Delta to safely fly a plane when they write sentences that make no sense? I think you understand.

So maybe it is time for another apostrophe lesson. "Your invited" to take a tour of some erroneous signs that I've taken the liberty to fix:

This one is funny because Georgia got one apostrophe right but two was just too much for her to keep track of. Georgia's Potatoe's Deluxe what?

I'm of the opinion that any business that misuses an apostrophe in their official sign can't be trusted. These donuts are probably poison.

Take this car, for example. If Ford doesn't pay attention to an apostrophe, how do you know they paid attention to the airbag that is supposed to save your life?

Rule number one while protesting: Using bad grammar on your signs makes you look like an idiot.

Ironic that this alphabet lesson for children is this incorrect.

This sign should actually be broken down into three sentences. I tried to fix it up but it was just too much work. At least the apostrophe is correct now.

Boy's what?

Open Sunday's what?

Perfection has it is price?

Oh, where to begin? How about with the comma that is being used as an apostrophe, and incorrectly at that.

And now the grand finale: A sign company called "Professional Sign's & Lettering." You might not know if your signs will be correct but at least you know they'll be professional.

And one final word of advice—please don't be this family come Christmastime:

You're apostrophe use—its killing me.

Where's Don Draper When You Need Him?

2011-02-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

This a commercial for a local pest control company. Could it be the worst commercial of all time? Yes, yes it could. If you watch it, you'll regret it. Don't watch it.

Got Milk?

2011-01-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

The other day I saw this painting for sale in a local art gallery:

I thought that a painting of a dog breast-feeding (do you call it that?) her pups was kind of weird (and very overpriced at $135), but hey, whatever floats your boat. Then I noticed that someone changed the title:

"Go Milk" is now entitled "Got Milk". Love it!

The Festivus For The Rest Of Us!

2010-12-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Now that Christmas has come and gone, how about a little Oh Pepper? holiday recap for you? Here was our tree this year:

You can see Robin's presents from me underneath. As you can guess, people always love getting presents wrapped by me. I think it has to do with my glamorous and glitzy custom-wrapping jobs. I've thought about opening a gift-wrapping business to rival Nordstrom's but I just don't have the time it takes to do this full-time. If you're going to do something, do it right--that's what I always say. Anyway, it looks like Robin has been nice this year because she's apparently getting three pairs of shoes, something from Amazon, and Carnation instant breakfast.

An added bonus about this tree: we got it from a tree lot where Chocolate City (RIP) once stood:

Can't go wrong with that. Also, we went to a Christmas party last week with a white elephant gift exchange. I chose pickle gumballs and ranch-flavored toothpicks wrapped in a diaper. I had a hard time opening it since I've never changed a diaper before but the surprises inside were worth it. Unfortunately, though, someone stole it from me so I had to settle for bacon-flavored candy and bacon adhesive bandages.

Because nothing says "Christmas" like bacon-flavored candy and adhesive bandages. Now on to my "real" presents. This Edward bookmark is probably my favorite:

YES!!! Everyone knows how much I love Twilight and it's one of my resolutions this year to re-read all the books again so this was the perfect gift. Thanks, wife! A close second is this "Cute Overload" 2011 calendar:

Usually I get a golf course calendar for myself each year, but I'll probably buy the "Cute Overload" one from now on. Also, someone sent me a card saying they donated a llama, bees, chicks, sheep and rabbits to Heifer International "in my honor." I'll be honest with you, I've never been a big fan of these kinds of gifts. First of all, why not just send me the farm animals directly? I could use some fresh honeycombs, eggs, and wool. Second, like when George Costanza made fake donations to the Human Fund on behalf of his co-workers and kept the money for himself, how do you know Heifer International is real? 'Oh Pepper International' sounds just as legit. See for yourself:

Which one is real?

And finally, you know what the last week of December means: college bowl games! I really enjoyed watching powerhouse games such as the Little Caesars Bowl, R+L Carriers Bowl, Beef O' Brady's Bowl, uDrove Humanitarian Bowl, Maaco Bowl, and Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The rich history and tradition of these classic bowl games is matched by few American sporting events and to me it wouldn't be the Christmas season without spectacles like this.

Anyway, if the new year is half as amazing as my Christmas haul, you know it will be a good one. Happy New Year!

Is NASCAR A Sport: An Essay

2010-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

Some questions in life will never be answered. Like why Judah Friedlander is in the opening credits of 30 Rock, why panhandlers ask for money as they're smoking a cigarette, or why people say the Cowboys are 'America's Team'. But today let's talk about this one: is NASCAR a sport?

To do this we shall analyze the elements of the definition like any good attorney would. Dictionary.com defines the word "sport" as "an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often a competitive nature, such as racing*, baseball, tennis, golf, bowling, wrestling, boxing, hunting, fishing, etc." *Obviously 'racing' here is referring to running or cycling or the like.

First, is NASCAR an athletic activity? I don't think so. Sitting in a car is the same as sitting on a couch in my book. I mean, the drivers only break a sweat because they wear those goofy jumpsuits and it's hot inside the car. You could be 500 pounds and still drive a race car (if you could fit through the window.)

Next, does NASCAR require skill? Well, does it require skill for you or I to cruise on the interstate? I've been doing it for 15 years and it doesn't seem all that special to me. Plus when I do it, I actually turn right once in a while. (Conversely, one could argue that it does require some degree of talent to talk with a drawl.)

Next, does NASCAR require physical prowess? Well, note the fact that Dale Earnhardt was 50 in his last race and you tell me. As long as grandpas are behind the wheel, I'll have to go with no. (No offense, Dad Dad.)

Last, is NASCAR is competitive in nature? I'm actually going to concede this one but only because of my favorite scene from 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story where young Dale exclaims to his father in a moment of passion, "All I wanna do is race, Daddy!" Love it! I also really liked Ricky Bobby's and Cal Naughton's sweet "Shake 'n Bake!" move in the NASCAR documentary, Talladega Nights. (Who knew that a documentary would be able to capture that raw, competitive nature of NASCAR drivers so accurately?)

So in summary, NASCAR only meets one out of the four elements of the definition of "sport." Other arguments that don't help its case include the fact that it's boring and a complete waste of time. Also, I don't think people even watch NASCAR. You might say, "What about those large stadiums full of cheering (and smelly) fans?" I would say, "CGI. How do you think they had full stands of people in the background of Fever Pitch? We all know no one would have sat through the filming of that crap (or paid actual money to watch the movie.)"

Now that we know NASCAR isn't a sport, we can get back to answering more important questions. Like, why every Notre Dame home game is televised on NBC, if Michael Vick still has a thirst for dog fighting, or how people actually say to themselves, "I need a new car. Why not a Pontiac Aztek?"

Google It!

2010-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorite Google searches that have recently brought people to Oh Pepper? :

Why is mayonnaise gross
Rappers with gold teeth
Kanye West teeth
Island of the Blue Dolphins (this picture comes up)
Ice tea on Law and Order
Goldteeth
Liz Lemon mustache
Bindi Irwin and the Crocmen
Pictures of hairballs
Michael Vick dog pictures
Chris Berman and his bad neck ties
Vick jersey for dogs

Three cheers for the internet!

It Tastes Like Chicken!

2010-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

I know many of you regularly look to Oh Pepper? for important news updates and investigative reporting. So please read on. I now bring your attention to this picture that has recently been going around the interwebs:

No, it's not frozen yogurt; this is processed chicken which will soon be cooked up into yummy chicken nuggets and chicken patties for you to eat.

Now for the recipe. First you separate as much "meat" as you can from the bones--eyes, guts, etc.--and smash it through a sieve. Then you douse it with ammonia to kill all the poisonous bacteria crawling around. Then you add artificial chicken flavoring because ammonia-flavored stuff tastes gross. Then you add artificial food coloring because it is this weird pink color. Then you bread it and fry it and you get your delicious chicken nuggets.

You heard it here. And if it's on the internet, you know it must be true.

Up next: The truth about hot dogs!

Your Mom Goes To College!

2010-11-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

I recently read this "news" story from BYU's Police Beat and just had to re-post it here:

Oct. 5 Two male students were arguing over dating. One was having a difficult time getting dates and was telling the other student about it. The second student joked that he didn’t have a difficult time getting dates and he could date the other student’s mother. The first student took offense and slammed the second student against a wall and brandished a knife. Upon arrival, the police arrested the first student for aggravated assault. However, the second student decided not to press charges, so the first student was released.

I'm not sure which part is funniest: that the first guy can't get a date at BYU, that the second guy said he could get a date with the first guy's mom, or that the dating-your-mom statement caused the first guy to actually pull a knife on the second guy. All around classic. Only in Provo, I guess.

Welcome Back, Coco!

2010-11-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

That's right, I won one of the 10,000 free Conan shirts. And it only took me two hours of constantly refreshing the @TeamCoco Twitter feed waiting for the stupid online code to come through. (Actually I won two but I didn't get the second in Robin's size so I'm in a little bit of trouble.) Welcome back to TV, Conan! (But sorry I won't be watching live tonight, you're on too late.)

50,000!

2010-11-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Sometime today Oh Pepper? will hit a total of 50,000 visitors since its inception in 2007. Assuming an average of 1 minute per visit, that is 833 hours that you readers will never get back. I guess you could do a lot worse (really, Jersey Shore?), but I sincerely apologize for wasting your time with this nonsense.

So as a thank you for stopping by, the 50,000th visitor will get this signed picture of me with My Buddy:

Leave a comment if you're the lucky 50,000th (or you could just right click and save.) And since you're here now, why not join the Oh Pepper? Facebook Page? 54 people already have and they are all moderately glad they did.

Farewell, Francie!

2010-11-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Who is Francie, you ask? Until now you've only seen her in Mii form:

Let me give you a recap: Francie has been our landlady since we moved into our building about four years ago. She doesn't drive, she takes long walks with her dog at 5:00 a.m., and she wears exotic outfits (when I met her she was wearing all purple--boots, leggings, skirt, jacket, jewelry, hat, makeup). She is also very meticulous about maintaining our building and the grounds. We often find handwritten notes (we don't think she has a computer) on the front door updating us on the various happenings accordingly.

For example, once she wrote an obituary for the plum tree that fell over in the backyard (sorry, no picture of this one). She left notes outside telling passers-by to clean up their messes.

She periodically left notes on our car informing us that we were parked too long and would be towed.

She left notes everywhere informing the delivery men and mailman that they couldn't leave packages unattended (but how did she type this one???).

She posted 'No Smoking' signs everywhere. One morning she left a note warning us of the dangerous icy conditions. She left notes reminding us to wipe our feet when it was snowy outside.

And probably my favorite memory of her was when she set up a cat house in the common area out back and then later shoveled a walkway so the wild animals to get to the cat house/critter motel during a blizzard (you should click on these links--they're classic!).

Unfortunately though, she and the building's owner recently decided to part ways. So when we brought her some delicious homemade cookies to say thanks for being a great landlady to us all these years, naturally we took a picture together:

So Francie, this blog entry is dedicated to you (sorry you can't read it, maybe it's time for a computer?). We'll miss all your handwritten notes around the building, your exotic yet color-coordinated outfits, and our lingering chats when we'd walk to our car while you were watering the plants. Farewell, Francie!

Why We Wear Ties: An Essay

2010-10-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Why do we wear neck ties? The more I think about it, the further I am from an answer. I get the suit and dress shirt, sure, but the tie?

Society: "Hey, you're a guy, so you should fasten a colorful, yet tight, noose around your neck."
Guy: "Okay."

When you think about it that way, maybe Lady Gaga's meat dress wasn't so crazy after all.

And I haven't even mentioned how dangerous they are. Who hasn't gotten their tie stuck in a blender, shredder, or escalator at some point?

(Don't worry buddy, we've all been there!)

And don't even think about telling your mom you don't want to wear one to church. She might make you wear two:

(My little brother, circa 1991)

Missionaries don't have a choice either--they have to wear one every day: (some wear the same one for their entire mission, except for transfer days)

(Rome, 1999. Also required: sweet braided leather belts.)

But really, why does society insist on this social norm? We already know we won't wear them in the future:

(Stardate 5943.7, Stardate 47622.1)

And we know from history how lame previous iterations looked:

(1795, 1815)

Plus styles change drastically every decade so you have to keep buying new ones. At the time they may look fine but when you look back it's pretty obvious they were ridiculous:

(San Diego, 1970s)

Surprisingly, though, if you wait long enough, your old ties will become stylish again:

(1966, 2010)

But sometimes they don't look good even now and you just know they never will:

(2010)

But we still wear them. And I have no idea why.

Books: Check 'Em Out!

2010-10-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Seattle just announced huge budget cuts and increased taxes across the city for the upcoming year. This includes cuts to the Seattle Public Library budget as well as reduced hours and a mandatory week-long, branch-wide library closure in August.

Or maybe instead they could save money by not buying:

64 copies of Sh*t My Dad Says (I'm mostly just jealous that my blog/twitter account haven't made me millions)
6 copies of Saw, 4 copies of Saw II, 3 copies of Saw III, and 9 copies of Saw IV
31 copies of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
51 copies of Clash of the Titans (not sure if this is the new or old version, but does it really matter?)
42 copies of Twilight (the book) and 134 copies of Twilight (the movie)
160 copies of Battlestar Galactica (we made the mistake of renting season one recently--what a frakking waste of time)
167 copies of The Hangover
126 copies of Pineapple Express
104 copies of Forgetting Sarah Marshall
48 copies of Knocked Up
43 copies of Superbad

Anyway, it's just an idea.

Birthday Recap

2010-10-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well, my big day was a few weeks ago. I didn't write a blog the day of like last year because basically I'm out of birthday material. Also, I'm now closer to 40 than 20 and that really depresses me. But I still wanted to show the world my amazing birthday cakes from the past two birthdays, courtesy of my lovely wife.

This year: Super Mario Bros.!!!

(Despite what it may seem, I am actually in my thirties.)

Last year: Legos!!!

(Why am I wearing the same shirt two years in a row??? Another aside: when Robin went into the Lego store to ask if they had any decorations for a birthday party she was planning, they thought it was for her little boy. Little boy no, man child yes.)

Bonus recap from two years ago: Pizza!!!

(Robin found these old invitations in her granny's house. They were scratch and sniff!!)

With any luck, next year I'll get a Twilight cake!

People Who Surprisingly Aren't Unemployed

2010-09-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

You've probably read in the news that the economy is in the tank. And you probably know someone with a great education and a lot of experience who can't find a job. That's why it's amazing that certain people actually have jobs right now. This blog is about some of those people.

The UPS whiteboard guy: We all know who this guy is. First of all, he needs to get a haircut. He might not be sporting a mullet per se, but those locks are way too long for his own good. And besides drawing stupid diagrams on a magical whiteboard that go along with his 30-second blurb, what else can he do? He's probably never even delivered a package in his life. I don't know how he got this gig with UPS but I don't see him going anywhere but down from this point on. Maybe the Post Office?

Chris Berman from ESPN: He's been with ESPN since its inception but he got famous in the '90s for his "clever" nicknames for baseball players. For example, "Tony Gwynn For The Gipper." Blah. He looks like George Costanza, only stockier and without the glasses, yet he is the face of ESPN. Then there's this urban legend about him picking up some beautiful woman named "Leather" in a bar. I've never known what to make of that. And it's not even like he knows that much about sports. Every year his record is horrible as he makes weekly NFL picks as the "Swami." If not for ESPN, he'd be your weird used car salesman uncle who comes to Thanksgiving dinner wearing a tacky holiday sweater.

Kathy Griffin: I've disliked her since she was in an episode of Seinfeld in the '90s. She played a friend of George's fiancee', Susan, who was really annoying and caused a lot of unnecessary grief for Jerry over a bottle of barbecue sauce. I don't think there's much reason to believe she's any different in real life. It's amazing that she has a TV show and that people actually watch it. Granted, it's called, "My Life on the D-List," but still. The last commercial I saw for it she was talking about getting a papsmear on national TV. Seriously?

The lab girl from NCIS: I'm not even sure of her name. I just know she plays a forensic scientist on NCIS. And she sometimes wears a spike collar and she always drinks fake Super Big Gulps. I've never seen her in real life, but would you hire her to do anything for you? Anything? I hope she's saving all her paychecks from NCIS because once that show is canceled, it's back to the mosh pits for her.

Paul Shaffer from The Late Show: After Jay Leno, this guy is the biggest dope on late night TV. The glasses, outlandish outfits, lame interjections, and bad music just don't do it for me. And hopefully not for anyone. He sums up perfectly, "If not this, then what would he be doing?" I've been sitting here for a half hour and I can't come up with anything. Seriously, a half hour. I guess I'm the loser now.

For next time: the entire Jersey Shore cast, Justin Bieber, all the Kardashians, and anyone who has anything to do whatsoever with Twilight!

8ARACK!

2010-09-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

You probably already know I don't understand free license plate holder advertising but these vanity plates I recently saw are even more puzzling. Who knew that two different people would think to put the President's name on their license plate? I know Washington is a blue state but come on! Plus, what is the President going to do if he moves here after his term and wants to personalize his own license plate?

President: "Let me be clear: I'd like a vanity plate with either of my names, please."

DMV: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but they are both taken. For some reason two separate individuals are paying $50 extra annually to have your names engraved on their license plates."

President: "Let me be clear: they could have just put free bumper stickers on their cars."

DMV: "We know, sir. But you could still spell '8ARACK' and 'O8AMA' with eights if you want."

President: "Make no mistake, we need some real change here! Let me be clear: I will get my names back from the American people!"

Why I Love The NFL: An Essay

2010-09-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

The NFL season officially started last night and it got me thinking about all the reasons why I love the NFL. Here are just a few:

Player Character
I think it's great that the kids these days have so many role models to whom they can look up. I'd personally be proud if my kids wore a Ben Roethlisberger or Michael Vick jersey to school. And remember, when players are publicly accused of committing an alleged crime, they are innocent until proven guilty. Please don't let the corrupt legal system and biased media taint your views of these otherwise upstanding and inspiring young men. (But maybe you shouldn't have Michael Vick dog sit for you.)

Fantasy Football
I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my spare time than manage a roster of football players from teams I don't like so their stats can compete against my friends' rosters of football players from teams they don't like. And wives love it, too--now their husbands need to watch every game instead of just the one featuring their favorite team. Thank you, Al Gore, for inventing the internet and making all this possible.

Stadium Experience
There really is nothing like the NFL stadium experience--polite, ebriated fans, delicious yet inexpensive concessions, and great views for very reasonable prices. I don't know why anyone would watch a game in HD on their comfy couch at home and it doesn't make any sense to me that half the stadiums don't sell out each week.

Celebrations
I love celebrations so of course I enjoy how players dance, shake, and oscillate to celebrate every routine tackle, catch, and play they make. Really, there should be more celebrating in real life when you accomplish simple tasks that you are expected to accomplish. For example, why shouldn't the mailman have a choreographed dance all ready for each time he puts a letter in your mailbox? NFL players have it right and they're obviously ahead of the rest of us.

Player Loyalty
It's easy to consistently cheer for your team when you see how committed the players are to the fans, the city, and the team. As players repeatedly reject bigger contracts to go elsewhere, you can't help but be reminded that it's not just about money for these guys: they care about giving back to the community. Albert Haynesworth, you know who you are.

Potpourri
Knowing that players who talk like this can still make millions of dollars is a great reminder that everything is right in the world:

I love this game!

Hairball

2010-09-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I labored this Labor Day weekend by doing some vacuuming. I actually really like vacuuming. It's kind of like mowing the lawn, but better, because afterwards you don't smell like yard work. (I like that smell almost as much as I like how ESPN broadcasts 10 hours a day of the Little League World Series every August.)

Anyway, next time I get in trouble for having my PEZ dispenser collection or for buying a pair of Air Jordans for the church basketball league, I think I will remind Robin that I consistently clean hairballs like these (and sometimes bigger) out of the vacuum:

All I'm sayin' is my hair isn't that long. If you know what I'm sayin'.

The Office!

2010-08-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the rumors are true: I just got a new job at a certain airplane manufacturing company. I started on Friday and they had me get to work right away:

Also, when I arrived at my orientation meeting and picked up my badge, I was given this envelope containing some first day information:

If you don't know my real name, take my word for it that "Maranick" is really wrong. Then, inside the envelope was a map to get to my new building from the orientation, only it was the wrong map. And when I tracked down my office I found that my computer is still running Office 2003. What?!?!

Why They Invented Photoshop

2010-08-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Because really, where would we be as a society without the ability to do this:

and this:

Thank you, Adobe. I'm sure this is exactly what you had in mind.

Inclusive Toddler Groups!

2010-08-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I just saw this flier for "Inclusive Toddler Groups" on a bulletin board at the local library. Excuse me, but who are the cool toddlers who are exclusively keeping other toddlers from playing with them? And who are the loser toddlers who are already getting left out of play dates before they can even talk?

Block Party Tonight!

2010-08-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late notice but the mailman is throwing a block party tonight, if anyone is interested in swinging by.

Oh Pepper? on Facebook!

2010-07-27T09:00:00.001-07:00

Do you enjoy Oh Pepper? Do you tolerate Facebook? Why not follow the Oh Pepper? Facebook page and get Oh Pepper? status updates and new post notifications? Just go HERE and click "Like."

(My goal is 10 fans but I've only gained 8 followers on Twitter so far so that might be pushing it.)

Pioneer Day!

2010-07-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

"See you chumps in Utah!"

The Best of Oh Pepper?

2010-07-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, three years ago today I brought you the first Oh Pepper? entry. Most of my blogs have been pretty stupid, but to commemorate my three years of clogging the internet here is a list of my personal favorites, in no particular order:

The time I protested in front of Starbucks when all the Starbucks nationwide closed simultaneously for two hours for training.

My many uses for the Slanket, including marathon training.

Apples To Apples: The very scientific blind taste test that determined which apple is indeed the best.

My campaign speech on the only issue that really matters--mayonnaise.

I've written a number of blogs about spite, but this was my favorite. My new spite voting system will revolutionize the way we look at democracy.

My two blogs on my friend and former roommate, Nate: one about his secret trip to Finland and another about the time he broke the Sabbath.

Wholesome Swimwear, the only way to swim (modestly).

My Buddy: The introduction to my pet armadillo and the time we went to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival together.

The essay in which I explained why Flavor Flav is better than me.

Skymall: Going Beyond The Ordinary and Skymall: Second Leg.

The time I visited the moon.

When I learned that vegan pizza is gross and vegans don't laugh.

My Twilight reviews of the Breaking Dawn book and the New Moon movie.

My open letter to the (pathetic) Somali Pirates.

The ongoing mailman saga.

The Original Oh Pepper? I may not own the domain www.ohpepper.com, but we all know who owns the original Oh Pepper?

24 Hour Fitness: A look into my life of fitness and healthy eating.

Ikea: It was about time someone finally translated those confusing product names.

General Conference Report: Some people expect these every six months, but it's just not possible. Plus my Mom thinks I'm a bad person when I write stuff like this.

Cat House: The initial observation and the critter motel follow-up.

The time my friend Ben and I accidentally crashed a prom in Mt. Sterling, Illinois.

And don't forget the holiday greetings:

Groundhog Day 2009
Pioneer Day 2009
Halloween 2008
Hot Tea Month 2009
Punctuation Day 2008

I sincerely apologize for wasting your time all these years.

Lost In Translation

2010-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

I thought no one really reads this blog anymore but apparently I was wrong because recently I have been getting a lot of comments in Chinese. Here's a recent example:

And here's the translation from Google: "To help push you a blog with real video Department of Haojing, Department of my beloved."

Other recent comments in Chinese include:

I wish you a new day has grown.
People have eyes of a tongue, is the observation times for the sake of talking.
Pay somebody back in his own coin.
Support you!!! Look forward to your updates!!! Believe will be better.
You can not change the appearance ~ but you can smile.
Are there items in the law of stupid laws: "an organization of fools, Hengda to equal two-thirds."
While ordinary paper, but its significance is very.
Like to see our article, each is a story, is a kind of mood ~ I wish you all happy happy.
Ann yo ~ lucky day to give you (you) full of happiness, and we wish you happy every day, yo.

I appreciate the interest but all the comments also included hyperlinks to "adult" websites. I guess the Chinese don't realize that Oh Pepper? is family-friendly and there's no place for that here.

So, to cut down on spam, from now on I will have to approve all comments before they are posted on Oh Pepper? I will do my best to get through your myriad comments and approve them quickly, but please bear with me. Remember, Oh Pepper? isn't my day job. Oh wait...

The Pelican Brief

2010-07-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Don't swim in the oil--it's bad for you!

Independence Day!

2010-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Celebrate your freedom, or else."

Potaytoes, Potahtoes!

2010-07-01T09:00:00.001-07:00

5 lbs for $1.59.

10 lbs for $1.38.

Hey Safeway, are 20 lbs free?

Book Report: Island of the Blue Dolphins

2010-06-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to read this book in 4th Grade and give a book report. I don't remember how far I got, but I definitely didn't finish it. But as was the custom, I got up in the front of the class anyway to give a short summary of the book. Lots of kids would conclude their reports by saying, "And if you want to know what happens in the end, you'll have to read it for yourself." Not me, I made up an ending and another kid called me on it. I think I said that Karana and her brother were rescued at the end by blue dolphins. (The brother actually died a third of the way through.) I was pretty embarrassed at the time and I always wondered what really happened (but I guess never enough to actually read it, until now.) So here's my book report, 24 years late:

Dog fighting, dolphin racing, DeLoreans! What more could you ask for in a Newbury Award winner? The book got off to a slow start: the Aleuts come to hunt otter, they kill off most of the tribe on the island, blah blah blah. But when Karana finds her brother leading a dog fighting ring, things got really interesting! (And as an aside, I read on Wikipedia that this book is what inspired Michael Vick. And if Wikipedia said it, you know it's true.) I was sad when the dogs turned on the brother and killed him, though, and a little more detail about how he died would have been welcomed (but this is a children book after all.) The author made up for it when Karana started racing dolphins around the island--I don't know how she held on underwater to avoid getting eaten by the sharks, but I couldn't stop reading! My heart was beating fast during that part. And the end was amazing! I mean, all along I hoped she would get rescued but I never dreamed a DeLorean would come from the future to take her back to the mainland to join the rest of her people. I can't believe I didn't read this in 4th Grade! I'm sorry Mrs. Gaske!

Up next: A Wrinkle In Time.

World Cup!

2010-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well the World Cup is here again. After helping Italy to win it all in 2006, I've since retired from international football (they finally figured out I'm not actually Italian.) This memory is right up there with all my Olympics appearances, though. What a summer!

Cheapskating 101

2010-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not really a cheap skate, I just don't like getting ripped off. Or eating out. Or paying to park. Or paying full price. I think that's pretty reasonable. Here are some examples from the past few weeks:

Over the course of the last week I found a total of $3.29 on the ground. I have no problem stooping over for some change. And you know I stopped in the middle of a jog to pick up those three $1 bills I saw just lying on the sidewalk.
Net: $3.29.

Last week the Hilton made us pay to park to visit some friends who were staying for the night there. Seriously? Even the crappy airport motels that lure you in with the "Free HBO" signs have free parking but not you, Hilton? So on our way to the parking garage I stopped at the hotel restaurant and got my $8 parking validated for buying a $3 bottle of Coke. (Note: Under any other circumstances, a $3 20-oz. bottle of Coke would be a rip off, but not here.)
Net: $5.

Recently a number of friends have asked me why I don't respond to their text messages. Apparently on a number of critical occasions they asked important questions like, "WHT R U UP 2?" The reason: I specifically turned off texting on my phone (and apparently if you text me it doesn't bounce back and say I didn't get it.) You see, I have an iPhone and while I don't necessarily mind paying $30 for unlimited access to the internet on my phone, there's no way in hell (one of the approved swear words in the scriptures) I'm paying an additional $5 a month for a texting plan. Email me, folks. I have an iPhone.
Net: $5 per month x 12 months of owning my iPhone = $60.

This weekend for my anniversary gift to Robin (three years, BAM!) we saw Cirque du Soleil's show, Kooza. The tickets weren't cheap but I don't mind paying good money to see a great live performance. What I do mind is paying $15 to park. So, with a little help from Google Maps, I found free parking in a nearby business park. The only problem: it was raining really hard a half hour before we got there and I didn't think I would get away with making us (read: Robin) walk from a business park to the circus. Luckily, it changed from a steady downpour into a light drizzle just in time. Rain, you almost cost me $15!
Net: $15.

A few weeks ago I bought a case of delicious San Pellegrino aranciata from Costco. The next week the monthly Costco coupon book came in the mail and of course there was a $3 off coupon. I'm sure you can guess what I did. I went back to Costco, bought the aranciata with the coupon, and returned it on my way out with the original receipt. I still had the first unopened case at home, but this method is much more convenient than re-buying it and returning the first one.
Net: $3.

The Mariners stink so to get people to come to the games they have this promotion about four times a season where they give away nice bobbleheads for free. Of course you have to get there early and be one of the first 20,000 fans, but it's worth it. So we bought some cheap $7 outfield tickets and went to the Griffey bobblehead game. We each got a bobblehead and the next day I posted one on Craigslist. Bam, someone bought it for $20. You do the math: $20 bobblehead - $14 tickets = $6 net to watch a baseball game. And with an extra Griffey bobblehead to spare. Can't beat it.
Net: $6 plus baseball game for two.

Our cable bill is way too high. But I guess that's what you get for having the convenience of DVRing Roseanne and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns on Nick-At-Nite. So I found that if I call to cancel our cable, Comcast will offer me a discount of about $40 per month for six months. They won't ever extend this to a year, but I just call back every six months and they give me the same discount, no questions asked. Eat it, Comcast.
Net: $40 per month x 6 months = $240.

The other day I bought an Old Navy t-shirt as a gift for someone. It cost $10.50. It wasn't really a bad deal but it bothered me that I paid full price. When I bought it, Old Navy gave me a coupon for 10% off my next purchase. So a few days later I went back to re-buy the same shirt with the coupon and return the first one. Only this time they had a buy-one-get-one-free deal. You can't say no to that. So I bought a shirt for me for 17.50, got the 10.50 one free, got 10% off, and returned the first 10.50 shirt. Some how it came to 5.75 for both after I returned the first one.
Net: Not sure, but definitely in the bonus.

Gap lets you do a price adjustment for items purchased within the last week if the price goes down. (Much more convenient than returning and re-buying.) So, recently I used some promotional rewards certificates to buy Robin some sweaters. The next week the sweaters went on sale and when I did the price adjustment, they ended up paying me about $20 back. The math is fuzzy on this one, but I promise you this really happened.
Net: Not sure, but I'm pretty sure I got paid to take sweaters off their hands.

Conclusion: Maybe I am a cheapskate. Text me if you agree.

@_StevieWonder

2010-06-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

I recently came across _StevieWonder's Twitter page:

The DR is in!

2010-05-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well we just got back from a family trip to the Dominican Republic. Here are some photos for you to enjoy.

This sign was in our hallway: "Rest & Relaxation is something important for a good vacation." So true, so true.

I was shocked to learn that there is a Spanish version of PTI on ESPN Deportes called Cronometro. The format, screen, and even the hosts look the same. Bizarro world!

Apparently people have problems with that pesky apostrophe even in other countries. Who is this Cigar fellow and where is his '& Souvenirs Shop'?

I got second place in the resort tennis tournament. But before you get too impressed I should tell you that only six people entered (including one of the ball boys so that there would be an even number.) But they gave me a nice certificate and a bottle of rum as a prize. When I told them I don't drink, they gave me this painting instead:

It's signed, "Pablo Picasso," so obviously it's authentic. I'll sell it to you for $50.

Us with the superheroes of Dreams La Romana.

My cute little wife.

Adios!

R.I.P.?

2010-05-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard about David Morales Colon of Puerto Rico, here he is. He died not too long ago but instead of a traditional funeral viewing, as you can see he opted for the upgrade package where they posthumously dress you in your favorite biking outfit and pose you on your motorcycle. Needless to say, that's quite a lasting final memory for all of your funeral attendees to take home with them.

You might think he's a little strange, but I think he's a pioneer. And the idea of a grand finale goodbye for your friends and family is intriguing. So I thought of some poses of my taxodermied self that I would like to consider for my final viewing in place of a boring open coffin:

Dressed in Air Jordans, basketball shorts, and a jersey, I'm suspended in mid-air as I posterize a lifesize cut-out of Michael Jordan with an amazing dunk. A thought bubble from him will say, "It must be the shoes."
Dressed as Davy Crockett, complete with musket, leather pants, and coon skin cap, I re-enact the defense of the Alamo. Only this time, a cut-out of Santa Anna will be my butler!
Dressed in an argyle sweater vest and saddle shoes, I putt on a mini golf course hole complete with windmill while a cut-out of Phil Mickelson gently claps for me in the background.
Dressed in a Speedo and with a smile on my face, I relax in a bubbly hot tub with the jets on while Hot Tub Time Machine is playing on DVD. (It'll be the first time I see it because I won't have time to waste on that junk while I'm alive.)
Dressed in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt and with my mouth wide open, I sit forward with my elbows on a picnic table while participating in a simulated food-eating contest where I'm downing an extra large cheese pizza next to a cut-out of speed-eating champion Takeru Kobayashi as he looks on in astonishment.
Dressed in the Argentine soccer uniform and suspended in mid-air, I re-enact the famous 1986 Maradona 'Hand of God' goal. Only this time I accidentally score on my own team to give England the World Cup victory they rightly deserved.
Dressed like a L.A. cop with black sunglasses from the '90s, I stand with my hand on my holster across from a lifesize cut-out of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator in Terminator 2. A thought bubble from him will say, "Hasta la vista, baby."
Dressed in a fine Italian suit, I make my final argument to cut-outs of the jury from Twelve Angry Men sitting in a real jury box. No sign will be necessary to inform funeral attendees that I'm about to successfully win a ruling that will ban all sales of mayonnaise in the United States!
Dressed in fur and leather with disheveled hair like a cave man, I crouch over some sticks in a wooded setting. There will be a look of pure astonishment and excitement on my face as I discover not only fire, but s'mores!

If you have a better idea for my funeral viewing setup, feel free to leave a comment. (But keep in mind that I still have to fit into a coffin afterward.)

New Shoes, et al.

2010-05-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

These are my new running shoes, the Reebok Zigpulses. They are awesome and they look great. And after my next workout in them, I plan to try one of those new KFC Double Down sandwiches that uses pieces of fried chicken for bread. (Hopefully it comes with mayonnaise.)

Then I will wash that down with a delicious Italian soda using this new bacon-flavored syrup from Torani.

Then to relax I will watch one of the best, original, and freshest shows on television: American Idol. Then my mailman and I will play some Playstation together. Then in response to my law school's myriad solicitations for donations to the alumni fund, I will make a contribution as a token of my appreciation for all the doors my law degree has opened.

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Curb Your OCD

2010-04-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been complaining about stretched-out sweater sleeves for years. It's nice to know that someone who isn't neurotic and obsessive-compulsive understands me. Thank you, Larry David.

The Original Oh Pepper?

2010-04-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago a friend notified me that someone else was using the URL ohpepper.com. I checked it out and last week I posted a blog letter to the owner of ohpepper.com that showed the surprisingly many similarities between the original Oh Pepper? and ohpepper.com. Aside from the owner of this website using my URL (which I created more than two years earlier), our logos are nearly identical (but I ripped mine off from Dr. Pepper first), we both sell greetings cards (see my Etsy shop), and we both happen to live in Seattle (I moved here first). I have no evidence that the owner of ohpepper.com intentionally copied elements of my blog, but even so, I am pretty disappointed that the ohpepper.com URL is now taken. I guess I should have forked over the $10 a year to buy the domain ohpepper.com back in 2007 to avoid such infringement but I never dreamed that someone else besides Brak and I used the phrase, "oh pepper."

In response to my (satirical) blog entry, the owner of ohpepper.com accused me of slander (technically libel would apply to written, broadcast, or otherwise published words but a simple legal analysis of the elements of libel would show that I didn't commit that, either.) However, I took down the blog entry anyway because I felt bad for making a person so upset. I enjoy riling someone up as much as the next guy but I am not out to ruin anyone's day. I was also accused of "undermining commerce" but we never covered this topic in law school so I'm pretty sure it's not actually a real claim. But, just to be on the safe side, I would like to promote commerce and invite all of you to visit ohpepper.com and buy a beautiful holiday-, baby-, or love-themed handmade card. (Ironically, though, there doesn't seem to be an option to actually buy these cards on the website.)

So, for the record, I would like to make clear that there is absolutely NO affiliation whatsoever between the original Oh Pepper? and ohpepper.com. The original Oh Pepper? was created in July 2007 as a means for me to share some humorous observations to bored employees at work, stay-at-home moms in need of some real adult interaction, or anyone who would just like to have a good laugh, usually at my expense. Some of you have accused me of making you pee your pants, but never of committing slander. For this I thank you and wish you all the best as the original Oh Pepper? continues to brighten your day. And if anyone needs some clarification on slander, libel, or any other common law tort, please feel free to reach out to me.

Record Store Day!

2010-04-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Cocoshopped

2010-04-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

The I'm With Coco Facebook page recently held a contest for people to creatively photoshop Conan O'Brien into another photo. I have some experience photoshopping my head onto various backgrounds, so I submitted what I was sure would receive at least an honorable mention. It didn't, but here it is anyway:

In case you never saw the original video where this came from, you don't want to miss this:

How is Jay Leno still on TV and Conan isn't?!?

April Fools

2010-04-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Websites always celebrate April Fools' Day by showing fake photos, tweaking their websites in an unexpected way, and passing along fake news stories. I wanted Oh Pepper? to similarly join in the fun but then I realized that's what Oh Pepper? normally does every day. So, instead, I'm going to tell you about my two favorite pranks of my short life.

First, while I was a missionary in Rome in 1999 I worked in the mission office for a while with the mission president. One day the nearby sister missionaries gave the office missionaries some brownies. "How kind," we thought. They looked a little weird (the brownies, not the sisters) but since you couldn't always find all the necessary baking ingredients in Italy, we didn't say anything and ate away. They seemed a little too moist but still, we didn't think anything of it. Then the next day a certain bodily function turned blue. I remember being very alarmed and yelling from the bathroom to the other guys, "I think there's something wrong with me!!!" It turns out that they had laced the brownies with methylene blue. So, to get them back we told the president what happened and asked him to give them a call and say that we had shared the brownies with him and that he loved them. He did just so on speaker phone while we were all listening. The sister missionaries freaked out at the news that he had eaten their brownies and this turned out to be a better prank than what they did to our bodies. Suckas!

Did you really think that you...

...could fool us?

The next story also involves sister missionaries. During college in 2001 I was a teacher at the Missionary Training Center and taught Italian to soon-to-depart missionaries. One particular class was eight sister missionaries. As you can imagine, they were very feminine and bubbly (and emotional.) But they also tried to prank me all the time. Among other things, once they saved some salt from the cafeteria and put it into my water mug. Oooh, nice try but not really. So, towards the end of their two months in the MTC, I decided to get them with one final prank. There was a rule that MTC teachers couldn't bring any food or treats from the outside world into the MTC for the missionaries. One day at the start of class I told them I had a big surprise for them. I went downstairs to the freezer in the teachers' lounge and pulled out a paper bag with a big container of delicious Dreyer's strawberry ice cream inside. When I came back, I shut the door and said very secretively that they needed to be quiet because I had a special treat for them that was against the rules. I pulled out the ice cream container and their eyes were as big as their black name tags. I had the prank instigator open it to serve the rest of the class. When she pulled off the top she realized that something was not quite right. Yes, that's right--I had filled an empty ice cream container with water, let it freeze, and then brought it to class. They looked as if they had just been cussed out and had a door slammed in their face (which would happen in just a few weeks so it was good training on my part.) Not only were they not getting Dreyer's ice cream, but they fell for an obvious and perfectly-executed prank. Suckas!

Did you really think that you...

...could fool me?

Sixteen Cents

2010-03-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

A while ago we went to Vancouver to check out the Olympic festivities. Apparently Olympic pins are all the rage these days and we got some free ones for standing in line for an hour with a bunch of other fools. The entrepreneur that I am, I quickly realized that these pins had more utility to me in money form than in pin form. So once we got home I created some nice auctions on eBay to cash in and make it rain.

Just as I expected, they all sold for a nice profit and positive eBay feedback was coming in faster than you can say, "Olympic pin collecting is for losers." That is, until eBay user Pincentral sent me this message, "I received the pin today but I am a bit disappointed. I paid $2.99 for shipping and there was $0.16 due."

Fair enough. I can't really help that the Post Office's scale isn't calibrated correctly and didn't charge me enough on the postage, but I wanted to keep my 100% eBay feedback so I apologized and sent $0.16 through Paypal to Pincentral.

I thought we were all squared away until I found another note from Pincentral the next day in my inbox, "You sent me the $0.16 but Paypal charged me $0.16 [in fees]. You should have sent it by personal [check]. Now I am still out the money."

Hold on now, Pincentral. You want me to mail you a personal check for $0.16 because you're "still out the money"? Do you hear what you're saying? The only way this is acceptable and I won't think you're an idiot is if this is for spite. Otherwise, the only personal check you'll be getting is this one:

What Not To Wear

2010-03-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

I just got this Banana Republic ad in the mail. Apparently these outfits would be perfect to wear while meandering around your local flea market. Because nothing says flea market attire like $1216 of clothing from Banana Republic.

In case you can't read the small print:

Chino Safari Jacket: $150
5-Pocket Pant: $69.50
Ombre Plaid Shirt: $59.50
Fitted Tee: $19.50
Del Rey Moccasin: $98
Shawn Aviator: $68
Tumbled Leather Belt: $44
Washed Chino Trench: $198
Charmeuse-Trim Tank: $29.50
Boyfriend Cardigan: $79.50
Distressed Boyfriend Jean: $89.50
Sandie Peep-Toe Flat: $89
Printed Silk Scarf: $98
Perfect Hoop Earrings: $26
Market Tote: $98
___________________________
Total: Rip-off

Parking Karma

2010-03-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just need to sit back and have a good laugh. And remember that karma is real.

*My favorite part is the little black dog that runs back and forth.

Vancouver 2010, Eh

2010-03-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, just like that, the Winter Olympics are over before you can say, "tape delay." Here are some of my favorite highlights of Vancouver 2010.

I didn't know much about ice dancing before this Olympics but after seeing this:

...I don't need to learn anymore.

Along those lines, apparently Australian aborigines were offended by the Russian ice dancing team's aboriginal theme:

Forget about the aborigines--I don't think they even have TVs and know about this. But what is offensive is that these ice dancers look like fools on ice and they're giving humans everywhere a bad name:

I really enjoyed the men's figure skating trash talk. The silver medalist from Russia said that the gold medalist from the U.S. wasn't a true champion because he didn't do a quadruple jump in his routine. So a male figure skater is taunting his rival by saying he isn't manly enough. Classic.

"I don't care what the judges say--my outfit is prettier than yours."

Hey Vancouver, I really enjoyed checking out the Olympic flame...

...from behind a chain link fence. Real classy.

And your official gift shop downtown was very overpriced but I did enjoy meeting the Russians.

"Which way to Mother Russia???" (picture Russian accent!)

The story about the Olympics beating American Idol in the ratings was funny, too. Let me get this straight NBC: the Olympics--which occur only once every four years--beat a show that is on four times a week every season and you think this is a noteworthy feat??? Nice work. Obviously it was your strategy to show everything by tape delay hours after it happened.

Bob Costas, I was reminded once again that you are a very small, small man.

Johnny Weir, I'm all about cheering for Team USA but you are one weird dude.

Then I read about this ice dancer, Allison Reed, representing Georgia (the COUNTRY!!!) who is actually from Kalamazoo, Michigan. I learned from NBC that she's never been there but she knows a few words of the language, that the capital is Tbilisi, and that she got her Georgian citizenship last month just in time to compete here. And "since the Olympics started, she has felt closer to that country than she ever thought she would." I'm not sure what that means but somehow I don't think this is what representing your country before the world in international competition is all about.

"Allison, свою очередь, сдм!" "What, I just stabbed your thigh with my skate??? I don't understand! Speak slower!"

Now meet Johanna Schnarf. She might not have won any medals, but if you're a Thundercats fan, she has the coolest name EVER.

PTI alerted me to the athletic shape of one of the U.S. bobsledders, Steve Holcomb, who actually won a gold medal. This is the kind of "athlete" that makes me realize I could be in the next Olympics if I actually stopped exercising and ate more junkfood. Now that's what America is all about. U-S-A, U-S-A!!!

Steve, did Southwest charge you for two seats on the way up to Vancouver?

And finally, Canada, we may not have beat you for the gold in ice hockey, but at least our announcers don't look like this:

...And our hockey team doesn't skate like this:

Good night, Canada.

That's What She Said

2010-02-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Blogs are pretty public but sometimes I get the feeling not everyone realizes this. Here are some real, un-doctored quotes from other blogs (used with copyright permission, of course) that I personally wouldn't have included on Oh Pepper?:

(Note: Names have been changed for the authors' privacy.)

Nursing

"She has only gained about 6 ounces in the last two weeks and the doctor is thinking that I might not be making enough milk and so this week we're going to try and supplement with formula."

"I'm worried that my milk supply is going down even more now that we're giving her bottles. Along with the stress and strains of school (final papers, grading a billion pages of papers for my job, tests, etc.) I just don't find time to nurse her or pump as much anymore."

"Maeby was born and while in the hospital she refused to nurse. Eventually a lactaction nurse brought in a nipple shield for me to wear and she would latch on somewhat."

"I am in search of solutions for my nursing dilemmas...there are still several questions I have about how to make nursing more comfortable. OK, so here are my issues:
...2. Nursing bras just seem to get in the way--they never really tuck/fold fully out of the way and my poor little one ends up trying to latch onto the bra in his desperate search for food! (Perhaps there is no solution for this one with the "modest" size of chest that I have, but I'm still looking for one anyway.)

First Kiss

"Now remember, 21 year-old Lindsay had never been kissed before. Well let's just say she made up for it right then and there. After emerging from the couch some time later we went on a walk holding hands and life was good...Well, we kept on walking and eventually sat down on some grass where we kissed some more and I pulled out yet another aggressive move by saying: "Is it too soon to say 'I love you?'" Sweet Tobias said no and that he loved me too. More kissing to which Lindsay is quickly becoming accustomed to."

From Blog Tags

"HUGS OR KISSES? 7-up kisses! (that's how Oscar describes my breath lately....a 7-up flavor...)"

"Five of my bad habits: ...5. Having the "foofs" (i know, that's disgusting, but i seriously can't help it! Bring on the TUMS!)"

"Who is smarter? Buster. I kind of think we tied on our ACT scores, but he's brilliant and far smarter than me...I love talking to him because I learn so much!"

Potpourri

"p.s. i was wearing a cami under my shirt, and in some pictures you can see the strap. my apologies...i promise i was wearing my garments, my straps on the cami were just really far in....i don't want anyone to wonder!"

"I love rainbows!"

"It's not Mommy's milk, but it'll do!"

"The other night, as I was busy cleaning up dinner George Michael came running into me and said, "Mom look!" Maeby came walking around the corner at that point, and I noticed brown stuff on the floor. I said, "What is that?" And George Michael quickly replied, "It's Maeby's poop, Mom!" GROSS!! There was a trail all through the living room, and into the dining area. Gross, gross, gross! What a mess! I can't tell you how much fun it was to change her diaper, and scrub up all of the carpet in our house. Thank goodness for Lysol!"

"My body continues to blossom. I am now 14 inches larger in my waist & 24 pounds heavier."

Grand Finale

This is from a woman's website talking about her future husband whom she hasn't met yet:
At every party and wedding reception we attend, however, we’ll make sure there will be dancing because we will dance regardless of what everyone else is doing. We will dance in restaurants while we wait for our food to come. Sometimes we’ll dance down the isles of the grocery store if a great song is playing over the store’s sound system. We’ll make a habit of moving the kitchen table to the side of the room to give us a good dance floor in our home. We’ll do some flamboyant Latin dancing, rock out to one of the latest top 40’s hits, tango with roses in our mouths, and waltz on occasion.

What?!?!

Frank Swallow

2010-02-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

A little while ago I went 60 Minutes on the local casino and exposed that its patrons aren't, in fact, happy gamblers like its commercials depict. I didn't think it was all that great of a blog entry, but that doesn't matter because apparently I struck a chord with Frank Swallow.

According to Frank he is a security guard at said casino and he was none too happy with my hard-hitting journalism. Read on for the comment he left. Warning: There's some bad language ahead (but nothing you wouldn't find in the good book).

And thanks to my IP tracker, here is why I think he actually does work at the casino:

I can picture Frank Swallow and the other security guards now, having a little pow wow about how to stop Oh Pepper? from single-handedly bringing down their casino. You better be scared, Casino Security Department, you don't know the power of having twelve blog readers per day!

Dear Liz Lemon,

2010-02-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

My wife thinks you are so cool. She loves your great sense of fashion, how you eat cheese by yourself late at night, that you use a Snuggie at work, and that you can grow a mustache.

But why can't she agree with your views on Valentine's Day?

I tried to tell her the same thing to explain why we shouldn't celebrate this "holiday" but I'm not really getting anywhere. Maybe you could try to talk to her for me?

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Twitter!

2010-02-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hello readers of Oh Pepper?. Hopefully you are doing just great.

Sometimes some of you say to me, "You know, I moderately enjoy reading your blog but I really wish there were a way I could be notified the exact moment you post a new entry. I must know immediately your latest thoughts on spite, which apples to buy, or what your pet armadillo is up to!"

I'm not sure why anyone would care that much about Oh Pepper? but in case you do, I have just the solution: Twitter. Yes, that's right, Oh Pepper? now has a Twitter feed. You can sign up at twitter.com/ohpepper and you will get immediate notification anytime a new entry is posted.

I'm not promising constant mundane updates about what I'm up to at every waking moment so I guess I won't be using Twitter correctly like mega-celebrity Ashton Kutcher. And if I don't get enough followers I'll probably stop using Twitter altogether. Then I'll delete this post like it never happened. But until then, see you in Twitter land.

Döppelganger Week

2010-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I learned from Facebook that this week is Doppelganger Week. Apparently you're supposed to change your profile picture to a celebrity that you think looks most like you. I'm not going to do that, Facebook, nor will I fill out my gender in my profile. If you can't tell I'm a dude without me saying so, I probably shouldn't be putting myself out there on Facebook in the first place. (Seriously, why does anyone fill this out????)

But I will inform you that for some reason Robin is saying that I look like Topher Grace. I don't really take this as a compliment or a good thing, but whatever. You be the judge:

This picture of me is like 11 years old but I guess I can see some similarity, especially in the chiseled jaws and large biceps. Too bad they didn't cast me instead to be the nerdy best friend love interest in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. That would have done wonders for my career.

So anyway, if any of you is Facebook friends with ol' Topher, I give you my permission to send him this picture of me to use as his doppelganger this week. He'll probably take it as a compliment.

Investigative Reporting: Local Casino

2010-02-01T09:00:00.001-08:00

Near where we live there is a sweet outlet mall with the local casino right next door. Sometimes we eat at the casino's buffet when we go to the outlet mall. The food is pretty good and I guess it's an okay casino for not being in Las Vegas, but it's kind of smoky and depressing inside. Then recently I saw this commercial on TV for it:

I thought, "Hmmm, I've been to that casino and that's now how I remember it." In the commercial everyone is so happy and beautiful and the slogan is, "You'll have fun, fun, fun at the number one place for fun!" Even the fish-throwers from Pike's Market hang out there after work.

So I set out to do some investigative reporting. I didn't have a hidden camera but I found that if I held up my phone camera it looked like I was surfing the internet just like any other fool. Here is my evidence:

First, the slots. These two didn't cheer or smile once.

These chumps just sat there as well. I think slots were more exciting back when you actually pulled the lever. These days you just push a button. No wonder they're so bored.

Next, blackjack! You would think that waiting for that magical card to hit 21 and beat the dealer would get people on the edge of their seats, but no. These fools didn't even smile once.

More blackjack, and more boring people.

Finally, some craps! In the commercial this is where all the action happened. Even the fish-thrower from Pike's Market was there with some of his customers. But in the real casino there wasn't even one catcher's mask or a high five to be seen.

Here's a couple on a romantical date at the buffet restaurant. But they were more interested in their baked salmon than each other. That's not how I pictured it.

Debbie Downer!!! How could anyone be so blah at the number one place for fun?

So, my opinion is that those casino commercials are a bunch of crap. There's no way this is the place where people have fun, fun, fun at the number one place for fun.

Dear Brett Favre,

2010-01-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today at church I taught possibly the worst Sunday School lesson of my entire life (unless you count those times in college when my roommates came to my class and made goofy comments and asked fake questions to screw with me the whole time.)

It was pathetic. I stumbled around, asked lame questions, and ran out of material with FIFTEEN minutes left. Afterwards I went home early because I couldn't bear to show my face anymore. Later during lunch even Robin said she felt embarrassed for me. That made me feel better (written in Sarcastica font.)

Anyway, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself most of the day. That is, until you gave away another NFC Championship Game with a last-second interception. I'm pretty sure you had a worse day than me. Millions of people saw your performance and there were only like 25 people in my class. Plus SportsCenter will be showing highlights of your game for who knows how long. The only visual evidence of me teaching is this photo someone took with their camera phone:

To top it off, if you finally retire, you will have to live with this loss for the rest of your life. As for me, I'll be teaching again in a couple of weeks and if I bring some treats next time, I'm golden. Thanks for putting things in perspective, Brett. I suddenly feel a lot better about myself.

Sincerely,

C-Biscuit

P.S. But I really wanted you to stick it to Green Bay. For spite.

Howdy, Neighbor!

2010-01-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

Jerry had Kramer. Homer has Flanders. And now I have Tony the Mailman.

Yes, that's right. My mailman just moved into my building.

You're probably thinking, "If I know Oh Pepper?, you're making this up. This is way too far-fetched to be real. And you just told us how you broke up with your mailman."

Well, I thought so, too. For the past month there really hasn't been any contact with him besides a note with our mail on Christmas Eve saying he hoped we had a good Christmas. (I'm pretty sure no one else got that note.)

Then last night we tried to go somewhere but our car was blocked by a mattress delivery truck. The delivery guys were taking their sweet time bringing a mattress to the bottom apartment in our building through the side door. I walked over and told them I couldn't get out. When I got back in my car to wait I looked over again and there was Tony the Mailman standing by the delivery guys. He was looking at me and smiling but I couldn't believe my eyes (I wasn't wearing my glasses and plus he was kind of far away) so I looked away to comprehend what was going on. I said to Robin, "I think that's Tony the Mailman." She looked and agreed with me. Then we drove away repeating the phrase, "Oh my gosh," over and over.

Later when we got home we looked at the names on the mailboxes and sure enough, there it was: "Apt. 101: Tony the Mailman."

So let me recap things for you:

1. Over the past couple of years I got to know my mailman because he always lingered a little longer than necessary when I happened to be home to receive a package. He would often go off on uncomfortable tangents like how he has bad credit or why USPS management sucks.
2. A few months ago he invited himself to jog with me.
3. A few months ago he asked for my phone number.
4. A couple of months ago he invited me to play Playstation with him.
5. A couple of months ago he added me on Facebook.
6. Last month he invited me to dinner.
7. Last month he started taking my packages home and calling me at night to pick them up from his house.
8. Last month I told him to please not do that and we had an awkward encounter at the post office where he apologized.
9. This week he moved into my apartment building and we're neighbors.
10. Are you kidding me!?!?

How is crap like American Idol on TV and my life isn't?

I'm With Coco

2010-01-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

Dear NBC,

Here are ~~ten~~ twenty-five reasons you're being idiots for choosing Jay over Conan:

1. Jay isn't actually funny.
2. Big hair > Big chin.
3. Jay isn't actually funny.
4. Conan's skit, "The Year 2000."
5. Jay isn't actually funny.
6. Conan's skit, "Conando!"
7. Jay isn't actually funny.
8. Conan's skit, "If They Mated."
9. Jay isn't actually funny.
10. Conan's Walker, Texas Ranger lever.
11. Jay isn't actually funny.
12. Conan's nerd voice where he pushes up his fake glasses and talks about Star Trek and Lord of the Rings.
13. Jay isn't actually funny.
14. Conan's string puppet dance.
15. Jay isn't actually funny.
16. Jay's best skits, "Headlines" and "Jay-walking," aren't actually funny.
17. Jay isn't actually funny.
18. Conan's character, "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog."
19. Jay isn't actually funny.
20. Max Weinberg > Kevin Eubanks.
21. Jay isn't actually funny.
22. Even the other late night hosts agree that Jay isn't actually funny.
23. Jay isn't actually funny.
24. I'll be really sad if you take Conan off the air.
25. Jay isn't actually funny.

Also, I read that your corporate big-wig, Dick Ebersol, called Conan "gutless" and "chicken-hearted." I'm sorry, but when a dude looks like this:

I have a hard time hearing anything he says.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

If You Find Them In The Good Book

2010-01-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

For all you kids out there who want to swear and let it all out but are worried about getting in trouble, I have just the thing for you. My new single, "If You Find Them In The Good Book," conveniently delineates which swear words are okay to say since they are found in the scriptures. Because if you find them in the good book then they’re good enough for me.

In case you want to sing along with the chorus:

So listen up, and gather ‘round
I’ve got some words to say
If they’re in the holy scriptures
Then they’re bound to be okay
So listen up, and gather ‘round
I’ll set your conscience free
If you find them in the good book
Then they’re good enough for me

¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

2010-01-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

While you were awaiting my first blog entry of 2010 I was fooling with the mariachi band playing at our hotel on New Year's Eve,

growing an awesome mustache with my bro to show our respect for Tom Selleck,

being forced to pose for cheesy photos by the mother,

learning from an informative sign at the restaurant in Chichen Itza,

partaking of some delicious Chinese food and pizza at an authentic Mexican restaurant,

buying some cool Mexican wrestling masks inspired by the movie Nacho Libre,

paying $76 to go swimming with some nice little fish,

setting a new course record for most mulligans ever taken at El Cameleon, home of the 2010 PGA Mayakoba Golf Classic,

and wondering if this ad on the TV screen before the flight through Salt Lake was just a coincidence.

¡Viva 2010!

Boxing Day!

2009-12-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Boxing Day to all! You may be asking yourself, "What is Boxing Day, anyway?" Well, let me tell you. Boxing Day is a Canadian holiday that commemorates the day Mike Tyson's Punch Out was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. Punch Out was especially popular in Canada and so this holiday was created as a way for the Canadians to feel better about not having a cool holiday like the American Thanksgiving Day. The rest is history.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, wrapping paper is all over the floor so you know Christmas is here. Here's what I wish I had gotten this year but didn't:

Jumpin Jammerz: The "one-piece footed pajamas for pre-teens, teenagers, and adults" (and apparently my old roommate, Reed, pictured here.)

Egg Genie: Because boiling eggs is so hard.

And if that video wasn't enough, check out this testimonial from Mike J. in Spring Grove, Illinois:

Ab Away 2: (But only if it comes with the jean shorts.)

Bathroom Maid: Because I need a classier way to dispense my toilet paper.

Hoveround: Watch the video and you'll see why.

And in case you didn't get that present you were hoping for, this is dedicated to you from me:

The Breakup

2009-12-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

A while ago I watched that Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry had an extra ticket to a school play and as he was talking to his agent Jeff about it, Jeff's gardener overheard and said he would go with Larry. Of course there was an awkward moment and Larry didn't know what to say but they ended up going together. The whole "date" was awkward all the way to the doorstep scene where the gardener lingered too long to say goodbye. You might think that this only happens on funny TV shows but it doesn't. It happens to people like me.

Over the past few years we've tried to be nice to our mailman, Tony (name changed to protect his true identity.) He's probably in his late thirties and he's very diligent at what he does. To say thanks for a job well done, sometimes we would leave some candy at a holiday or whatnot. While I was looking for a job I was home during the day a lot and I would be there to receive packages in person. He was nice enough and we would chat a little about the weather, the crappy Seattle sports teams, etc. But I will say that usually he would linger a little too long and I didn't know how to end the conversation.

Then when I was training for the marathon sometimes he would see me running around the neighborhood while on his route. Once at the end of my run he happened to be there and he said we should go running together. I said okay even though I didn't ever plan to. No offense, Tony the Mailman, but I don't even run with my wife. I run alone. Then another time he said again that we should run together. This time when I said okay he said, "But how will I meet up with you?" I was like, "You can knock on my door since you know where I live." But that wasn't enough and he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him because I didn't know what else to say. He never called, though, so I forgot about it.

Then a couple months ago I happened to be home during the day and he brought a package by. Of course we chatted for a while and I had a hard time getting away like always. Not that I don't like talking to people, but it was just getting a little weird. Anyway, he left but a few minutes later he knocked on my door again and said something like, "Hey, can I get your number again? My son was fooling with my phone and lost it." So I gave it to him again (what else was I supposed to do?) and that's when he asked if I liked playing video games and invited me to come over to play Playstation sometime (no date or time set.)

So of course I go on with my life, forgetting that that happened, and not thinking that we would ever actually play Playstation. Then a few weeks ago he requested to add me on Facebook!!! Only at first I didn't recognize who he was since I only knew his first name from his name tag and his profile picture was of his kid. So of course I rejected the request but the next day again there was another friend request and a message that made me realize it was Tony the Mailman. So now I didn't know what to do. I mean, I have no problem rejecting someone's friend request on Facebook but this was different: this was my mailman who I would see again and who had my phone number. Plus, we've all heard news stories of mailmen going postal. Who knows what he could do to my precious mail and packages if I got on his bad side.

So I accepted the friend request (what else was I supposed to do?) and forgot about it until he sent me TWO messages on Facebook wishing me a happy Thanksgiving. He commented on some photos, too. The weird thing was that he often was sending Facebook messages and making photo comments in the morning when I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be delivering people's mail. I never responded to any comments or messages, though.

Then last week I was at work and an unknown number called my phone. I answered and it was Tony the Mailman. He said that he had a package for me and would I want him to hold it for me so I wouldn't have to pick it up at the post office and stand in long lines? This seemed very unusual to me but for some reason I said okay (what else was I supposed to do?). It turns out he lived about a half block away from me so on the way home from work I stopped by to get my package. He was having dinner with his family so he introduced me to his wife and kid, gave me the package, and then said nervously, "Hey, if you're not too busy would you want to have dinner tomorrow if you're not too busy?" Now, any guy out there will know that he was really nervous to ask me out to dinner because he repeated twice the same phrase in his invite: "if you're not too busy." I informed him that we were going to our church Christmas party that night. He seemed disappointed.

Then last week I got another voicemail on my phone and it was from Tony the Mailman again. Only this time he didn't ask me if I wanted him to hold onto a package for me to pick up later; he just brought it home and called me after the fact. Now, I was a little annoyed at this because I'm pretty sure it's against the rules for postal workers to bring someone's mail home and I didn't want to make a habit of having to go to his house during dinner and get my mail. So I called back and left a message that I would prefer to just get my packages the normal way where I go pick them up at the post office.

A couple days later I went to the post office to get my packages. While in line, of course I saw none other than Tony the Mailman. It was a very awkward moment and I could tell that he wasn't his normal self around me. I think I must have hurt his feelings or something because he came up to me with a crestfallen look and said he hoped he hadn't caused me any inconvenience with my packages. So I left but then later that day when we opened our mailbox there was a package jammed in there with all the other mail bent out of shape. I can't help but think he was making a point that, "See, I could have brought this home with me and saved it for you but no, you don't want me to do that so I will just have to jam it in your mailbox and make it fit! See how you like that!"

So that's the story of how I broke up with Tony the Mailman. Or at least how I think I did--I'll probably get invited to Christmas dinner in a couple of days. You might read this and say that I brought this on myself by accepting his invitations to run, giving him my phone number, and accepting his friend request on Facebook. Maybe you're right, but since when does being nice to your civil servants mean that you want to hang out with them?

Why You Wish You Had BYU-TV

2009-12-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

CAUTION: If you start watching this, you won't be able to look away!!!

'Tis The Season!

2009-12-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes with all the commercialization of Christmas, it's hard to remember the real meaning of the holiday. Carols about reindeer with red noses, stories of a big fat guy in a red suit coming down the chimney to bring kids presents, and songs about a snow man who magically comes to life and then dies as children watch can make us forget that Christmas is really about Jesus' birthday. That's why I'm thankful for The Oriental Trading Company's new "Happy Birthday Jesus!" line.

How about a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" pencil to write down your Christmas list?

Or some "Happy Birthday Jesus!" cups in which to drink your egg nog?

And don't forget the "Happy Birthday Jesus!" ornaments to decorate your beautiful Christmas tree.

And for the big morning, why not welcome the family to the presents smorgasbord with a "Happy Birthday Jesus!" banner (measuring 5' x 1')?

No need to bust out grandma's china when you can enjoy the Christmas ham on your new sturdy "Happy Birthday Jesus!" paper plates.

If you can't feel the spirit of Christmas now, I think there's something wrong with you.

Dear Golf Digest,

2009-12-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

You really had perfect timing this month. What are the odds that your current cover story, "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger," would come out the same week Tiger crashed his car into a tree and his multiple extra-marital affairs were revealed? Your premonition that Tiger was qualified to give advice to the President was spot on.

I'm not sure if I agree with all of Tiger's tips, though. Take these, for example:

Tip 1: Choose one day and always wear the same color that day. I call red on Sundays, but you can purple on Tuesdays.
Tip 3: Having extra-marital affairs with a dozen women across the country will do wonders for your marriage, career, and image.
Tip 4: Sign an endorsement deal with GM. That way, if you want a free new car, you just have to back your old SUV into a fire hydrant and the neighbor's tree.
Tip 7: Wearing Nike hats at all times is the best way to hide your rapidly progressing baldness.
Tip 9: Fans love it when you swear or throw your clubs after a bad shot. Do this whenever possible.

Maybe you should stick with tips on how to get out of the bunker?

My other question is why are people saying, "How could Tiger cheat on his wife? She is hot!" Do they think it would be okay if she weren't?

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

26.2

2009-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I ran the Seattle Marathon. It seems that a lot of people didn't believe my earlier blog where I announced I was going to do this. Maybe it was this entry last year about my exercise routines that made it hard to imagine me running a marathon. I personally think that my training since May should have been an indication I was serious, but whatever.

This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done (besides that time I watched a whole season of Gilmore Girls to impress this girl I was dating in college.) But when things got really hard and I wanted to give up, I just kept thinking about Andrew George's amazing overtime TD reception to give BYU the win over Utah on Saturday. That kept me going.

I happened to beat my goal of four hours and finished in 3:57:03. Now, the overall winner finished in 2:33:26 but what's more impressive--running for nearly four hours straight or running for two and a half hours straight? Exactly. Plus, I won my division. Here's my medal:

You can't read it but it says, "First Place, Fetchers Over 30 Who Had Never
Run More Than Three Miles Before This." (But why do I look like I'm on drugs?)

Here are some photos from the race:

I was running so fast that I was just a blur. (Wow, I have great posture, too.)

Here I am near the finish line. It was at about this time that
I decided to never run again.

Here are the shoes I wore. A guy at the running store said they weren't right for my body type and tried to get me to buy another pair. I ran in them anyway just to spite him.

Before/After. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Or that
my nipples would show through my shirt.

Anyway, thanks to all who donated to my charity, the Hope Heart Institute, to help further heart disease research, education, and awareness. I didn't raise the $1 million I was hoping for, but I did raise a decent amount. Hopefully those Nigerian investments I made last year will come through soon to make up the difference.

Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

This year I'm thankful that Honda only charges $325 to replace the broken side mirror (just the glass) on our car. That seems very reasonable.

Movie Review: New Moon

2009-11-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to see the midnight showing of the new Twilight movie. A bunch of friends and I dressed up as Edward to show how devoted we are to this amazing phenomenon sweeping the nation. It makes me so proud to know a fellow BYU alumni wrote such an amazing series of literature. With any luck these books will be considered classics by the time my kids are in high school.

So, about the movie. AMAZING!!! Duh!!! The tension between Bella and Edward was as thick as Charlie Weis' gut. I could totally relate to Edward because I know what it's like to want to suck a girl's blood but she "just wants to be friends." Stick with it buddy and maybe you'll get Bella in the next movie.

As for the fight scenes, SO AMAZING!!! I was a little surprised when the werewolves and vampires started the big final fight by walking towards each other snapping their fingers and singing like in West Side Story, but let me tell you--it really worked. But I will say that at the end when Edward reaches into Jacob's chest and rips out his beating heart as the other vampires yell, "Finish him!" it really seemed like they ripped off Mortal Kombat. Oh well. I still loved it.

Finally, the birth scene was a little scary. When Bella was in labor with the vampire baby I was as antsy as Charlie Weis in line for a buffet dinner to see what it would look like. Then the whole theater made a collective gasp as the doctor said, "It's a boy!" and it latched onto his neck and killed him. That is one feisty little vampire!

Anyway, if you're like me, you're going to love this movie. There's enough action to keep you guys from falling asleep and just enough romance to get your girlfriends to want to make out with you when you get home. See it!!!

Result 2 of about 127,000

2009-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid Oh Pepper? has been kinda boring lately. Not here's-50-photos-of-my-kids-and-a-mundane-summary-of-what-we-did-today boring, but more like watching-a-Matthew-McConaughey-romantic-comedy-boring. There are some good parts but mostly you know what's going to happen before it happens. So I've been thinking that it may be time to shut the doors to Oh Pepper? for good. It's been a great 2+ year run, but recently it's felt like the better days are behind us. That is, until I just noticed that if you Google the phrase "mayonnaise is gross," Oh Pepper? comes up as the second hit.

As you can see, Oh Pepper? even comes up before a blog that is actually called "Mayonnaise is gross." So even if I never deliver another A+ blog again, I will feel like my contribution to the world wide web is complete. You're welcome, internet (and Al Gore.)

Dear Sesame Street,

2009-11-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

I grew up watching you. My mom thought cartoons were evil so if I wanted to watch TV, it was either you, Mr. Rogers, 3-2-1 Contact, Electric Company, or nothing.

Studies say that kids who watch Sesame Street are smarter and it must be true because I'm a genius. In fact, I started kindergarten when I was four years old (until my fifth birthday one week later.) Coincidence?

So happy 40th anniversary to Big Bird, Snuffalopogus, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Grover, Count, Bert, Ernie, and the other talking puppets (but not that dorky newcomer Elmo) who helped me learn about counting and the alphabet. I owe you one.

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

Because This Is Normal

2009-11-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

My mailman just asked me if I wanted to play Playstation with him sometime. I told him sure. Then he put my number in his cellphone.

Halloween Recap

2009-11-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well it's November so you know Halloween has come and gone. As you can see, this year I dressed up as a loser (or looser for those of you who think it's spelled that way.)

Not as good as last year's costume complete with real mustache,

but not bad. Also, we have tons of leftover candy and Robin has been hoarding all the Twix bars on her nightstand. (As you can see, she also keeps a lucky quarter at her bedside to keep the scary dreams away.)

So, I thought we should have a little lesson about sharing.

The Twix have now been redistributed to the living room. Please come on over and enjoy yourself a delicious Twix bar.

The Running Man

2009-10-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

You may know that I am training to run the Seattle Marathon on November 29. People seem to think this is a big deal, but if Lance Armstrong and Katie Holmes can do it, why can't I?

You: But it doesn't sound like you to spend so much time and effort on something.
Me: You're right, but somehow I've already spent more time training in the last few months than I did studying during law school.

You: Did you know that a marathon is 26.2 miles?
Me: Now you tell me.

You: I thought you didn't like running.
Me: I enjoy running almost as much as mayonnaise. But I am doing this as a personal challenge. You know, like when you drive home from the store and try to hit all the green lights along the way.

My goal at first was to win and donate the proceeds to a good cause. Then I realized that people can run a marathon faster than I can run a half marathon. So then I decided to raise $1 million and donate it to a good cause.

I'm running to benefit The Hope Heart Institute, a non-profit based in Bellevue, WA. Heart disease is the number one killer of men, women, and children and The Hope promotes heart disease research and awareness. I thought the least I could do was raise $1 million to fund their many student education, community outreach, and medical research programs. (I still haven't received my cashier checks from the Nigerian Government investments I made via email last year so I personally don't have that much money.)

This is where you come in. Now that the economy is on the up-and-up, why not contribute a few dollars? All you have to do is click HERE and follow the instructions to donate to my good cause. Just think--if each of my blog readers donated a few dollars, we would easily raise more than $1 million!

I'll be sure to post a blog about my experiences on the day of the big race but for now please enjoy some photos of my cold weather training:

What's In A Name?

2009-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you probably love rap music (which is the same thing as hip-hop in case you're wondering.) I guess it's something about the mad fly beats and the myriad ways to rhyme swear words that keeps me coming back for more. I especially love the clever names rappers make for themselves. How do they do it?!? Well, thanks to a little research by yours truly, now you'll know.

C-Murder—He must have had a Sandra Bullock-like premonition because he chose this name BEFORE he was convicted of murder earlier this year.

MC Hammer—He's probably the most famous celebrity Mormon out there. He got his name when he used to deejay Stake Dances in Oakland.

Young MC—Obviously he is MC Hammer's son.

Flo Rida—This one is boring. He was born in Florida. Not very original, I know.

50 Cent—How much money he would win on Jeopardy.

Jay-Z—No one knows where Jay-Z comes from but he obviously ditched his given name (Shawn Carter) because his parents spelled "Shawn" the girl way. (P.S. How did a guy who looks like this get Beyonce???)

P. Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Puffy Combs—He was forced to change it from P. Diddy to Puff Daddy because of copyright infringement suit brought by Nintendo over their Diddy Kong character.

Vanilla Ice—People think he chose this name because he's white, but actually it's because his favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.

Sir Mixalot—He got this name for his love of baking and using Kitchen Aid mixers. His specialty: lemon bars.

Queen Latifah—Most people don't know this but she's actually the mother of Prince.

Lil Bow Wow—He got this nickname when he was a toddler because he used to eat dog food from the dog’s bowl.

Flavor Flav—Women he dated gave him this name because of the food stuck in his gold teeth.

Q-Tip—He has an obvious earwax problem. Look how he covers his ears in public.

Dr. Dre—he got this nickname because he finished one year of med school and then dropped out. Rumor is he was going to do his residency in gunshot wound trauma.

Tupac—May he rest in peace. No matter how hard he worked out, he could get only two abs to look toned.

Kanye West—"Kanye" is actually street slang for "I'm gonna let you finish but..."

Souljah Boy—He chose this name after he joined the Army. It turns out he just really sucks at spelling.

Snoop Dogg—Over the years Snoop's drug use has overshadowed his love for cartoons, especially Peanuts, from which he obviously stole his name.

Eminem—He loves chocolate.

Busta Rhymes—His real name is Buster but when Arrested Development came out, people often compared him to Buster Bluth. This humiliated him so he change it to Busta.

K-Fed—Most people don't know this but he worked as a Fed Ex driver until he had to quit to take care of his kids after Britney went off the deep end. Some say you'll never see a better parallel parker again.

Nelly—His real name is Cornell but people kept getting blinded when they would talk to him and the sun hit his gold teeth just right and they would yell out, "Whoa Nelly!" It just stuck.

Lil Wayne—You can't tell from the photo but he's actually 36" tall.

Sisqo—He buys his gold chains from Costco and he puts Crisco in his hair.

Ice T—He got his nickname because his favorite drink on the Law & Order set is iced tea.

C-Biscuit—No one even calls him this. He just thinks it's cool so that's what he refers himself to on his blog. He even recently made his own lame personal logo. So basically he's a loser.

Personal Logo: C-Biscuit

2009-10-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well apparently Tom Brady just got his own personal logo:

It's supposed to cleverly include his initials and jersey number but I think it's kind of boring. Not to mention that Michael Jordan, Roger Federer, and Lebron James have already had personal logos for years.

I guess they're okay but I thought, "If these fetchers can do it, why can't I?" With my extensive Photoshop training and years of graphic design experience, here's what I came up with:

Hey Nike, put this crap on some sweatshirts and let's make it rain!

Dear Redskins,

2009-09-28T09:00:00.001-07:00

You are pathetic. You just lost to the Lions, who hadn't won a game since December 23, 2007. Congratulations for helping them and their rookie quarterback end their 19-game losing streak.

And this comes after last week where you could only score nine points on the Rams in five trips inside the red zone. You just lost your privilege to be my license plate holder. I think I will give a car dealer free advertising from now on.

I'm also taking down my Redskins shrine. This actually kills two birds with one stone because it was on top of Robin's desk and she needs the space for crafts or something.

On top of that, I plan to donate all of my Redskins jerseys, t-shirts, and hats to Deseret Industries or The Salvation Army. I'm sure they will fetch a tidy sum for the poor children.

That's all. Call me when you aren't a joke anymore (but you can't send a Facebook message because I just de-friended you.)

Sincerely,
C-Biscuit

P.S. Don't worry--I'll never cheer for the Seahawks. That would be even more embarrassing than being a Redskins fan.

New Font: Sarcastica

2009-09-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Every time the Cougars are in the national spotlight they shine! I can't wait for BYU's BCS game this year! I already bought my plane ticket! We are amazing!

I have always loved Utah and I'm really sad that their winning streak is over. Like all true Cougar fans who claim they just want the MWC to be successful, I was hoping they'd go undefeated again this year and represent the MWC in the Sugar Bowl.

I have been cheering for the Huskies ever since the BYU-UW game last year when some very nice UW fans politely asked me where my other wives were. I'm excited about this victory!

Notre Dame is synonymous with college football and Charlie Weis is a great football coach and a very handsome man who isn't paid nearly enough for what he does. I couldn't be happier that their every game is on NBC each week and I love it when they win!

Any team who can score three field goals on the Rams from five trips to the red zone has big things in store. Super Bowl XLIV, here I come! Hail to the Redskins!

What a shame the Cowboys lost their home opener in their brand-new $1.1 billion stadium. Jerry Jones, your team is America's team and every time you lose, a little piece of me dies with you.

Happy Birthday?

2009-09-11T09:00:00.001-07:00

Well it's that time of year again to celebrate being one year older. Truth be told, I don't think 30 was that great a year for me. First, I was unemployed for six months. That did allow me to golf a lot more than usual, but I didn't really get any better. Next, I was the first to buy a plane ticket to the annual roommate reunion in Utah but then everyone hung me out to dry. I ended up sleeping on my sister's sofa all alone. I also found my first gray hair this year, I guess from all the stress of having every day off for six months.

But I'd have to say that the most disheartening thing is that my hair is getting thinner. I know you're thinking, "You have amazing hair. What are you talking about?"

Well, the truth is I probably couldn't do-up my hair in this amazing mohawk anymore. It's getting thinner every day. I won't even look in the tub drain anymore after I take a shower; I just can't handle it. And I will probably have to start buzzing it all off in a few years. As you can tell, I have been really upset about this--until now. I realized there are many great-looking, handsome celebrities who are bald:

Look at these guys! Who wouldn't want to look like this?! If they can live normal and happy lives despite their baldness, I'm sure I can, too. I can tell now that 31 is going to be a great year. (The only con: I'll never be able to grow those corn rows I love so much.)

Arrivederci Roma!

2009-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been home from my mission to Rome, Italy, for ten years today. Here are some of my favorite mission photos to commemorate the two years I spent there:

A goat head and spine. Our landlord had some farm animals and he made homemade sausage one day. Delicious!

Just taunting the dogs. You learned quickly when wild dogs were following you down the street to bend down like you were picking up a rock. They'd run away every time. Suckers.

Who ya gonna call?!?! Ghostbusters!

Here we are joining an impromptu high school strike. I've never heard of students striking in order to get a better education, but hey, this is Italy we're talking about. As you can see, we fit right in.

This guy was amazing. He could pop out his eyes somehow. But instead of keeping this talent to himself, he shared it with all. He went up to girls at famous sightseeing sites like the Trevi Fountains here, stood right in their faces, and popped out his eyes. What a gift!

These guys were fetchers to tourists by the Coliseum. They would come up to you and ask you if you wanted a picture taken. Then they would hound you until you said yes. Then after the picture, they would yell at you until you paid them, even though you never agreed to paying them in the first place. We got our picture for free since we spoke such amazing Italian.

Have you ever knocked on doors while being barked at by a dog from the roof?

Just a typical meat shop on the streets of Potenza.

Teaching in Italy was tough. Why wouldn't anyone listen?

The sign (in English) says it all: "Center Kickboxing Federation Full Contact." We should have trained here on our P-Days.

Another typical sight: a paper mache' buffalo next to the mozzarella shop.

This was an actual missionary bike. If you weren't careful, your toes AND heels would hit the ground while pedaling.

Do Vegans Laugh?

2009-09-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a comment I got in response to my recent blog about the local vegan pizzeria closing down:

I emailed Veganmothering back and asked if she also gave up humor as a vegan. This is the comment she left the next day:

Veganmothering, I have no idea who you are but thank you for taking the time out of your busy day figuring out what you can and can't eat to read Oh Pepper?

School Pictures!

2009-09-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

In commemoration of today being the first day of school for kids around here, I am posting our school pictures from 7th grade on the internet for all the world (or the 9 people who read my blog) to see.

Wowsers! 1990 was a rough year for both of us. But how about this year:

Yikes! These may not be any better. Note to self: at Sears Portrait Studio you get what you pay for.

Go Seabiscuit!

2009-08-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

You probably don't need me to tell you how much I love Seabiscuit:

This is relevant because apparently Tobey Maguire is filming some crappy B-movie about rabid raccoons (?!) and the set is really close to our house. In fact, I run on the street where they are filming every day. The other day I ran by right after they had finished a scene. Ol' Spidey was backing a Prius out of a driveway and he drove right past me really slowly (yes he looks dorky in real life, too.) He was ten feet away, his window was down, no one else was around, and I didn't even yell, "Go Seabiscuit!" What's wrong with me?

Parenting Lesson #5

2009-08-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

When my kids complain about not having the newest toy or whatever lame junk that is popular at the moment, I will show them these pictures and say, "But did you have to take Camie Poulton to Senior Prom in this hoopty?"

(This would be funnier if it weren't completely true. My favorite part is the AAA sticker on the bumper and that the license plate says "BEG.")

Hey Birds,

2009-08-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

As long as this was out of spite,

I'm totally okay with it.

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

2009-08-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

This one says, "Why did you just spike my drink with three tablespoons of salt when I wasn't looking?"

That's what brothers are for.

Packing Heat

2009-08-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's Not A Tumor!

2009-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Caution: This video contains some vulgar language. (But when did a few swear words hurt anyone?)

You probably know Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the capable and dynamic governor of California who has brought his state to all-time highs. But maybe you didn't know that he used to be an amazing actor. Here is a sample of his thespian brilliance and greatest movie lines:

"You're fired." (True Lies, right before Arnold fires the missile from his hovering Harrier with the bad guy attached to it.)

John Connor: "You almost killed that guy!"

Arnold: "Of course, I'm a terminator." (Terminator 2.)

"I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle." (Terminator 2, naked Arnold to biker at truck stop.)

Arnold: "I want your clothes."
Biker: "Talk to the hand."
[Grabs it, smashes it, and talks into it.]
Arnold: "Now." (Terminator 3, when Arnold comes back from the future and is naked.)

Arnold: "Have you sustained any injuries?"
Kate: "Drop dead, ***hole!"
Arnold: "I am unable to comply." (Terminator 3, Arnold to Kate after they've been attacked and she doesn't want to be with him.)

John Connor: "Are you sure about this? About her and me, I mean."
Arnold: "Your confusion is not rational. She's a healthy female of breeding age."
John Connor: "There's a little more to it than that."
Arnold: "My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding." (Terminator 3, when Arnold tells John Connor he is going to marry Kate.)

"Please do not disturb my friend, he is dead tired." (Commando, after Arnold breaks the neck of the thug escorting him on the plane and covers his face with a hat.)

"I'm not a pervert! I just want Turbo Man doll!" (Jingle All The Way, as Arnold is being hit with purses by moms in the ball pit because he tried to take a Turbo Man doll from a little kid.)

"You picked the wrong day!" (Jingle All The Way, as Arnold punches out a reindeer that just charged him.)

"What is best in life? Crush your enemies! See them driven before you! And hear the lamentation of the women!" (Conan The Barbarian.)

Doorman: "May I help you?"
Ahnold: "Yes, could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?"
Doorman: "I beg your pardon?"
Ahnold: "It's a beautiful day, and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?" (Last Action Hero.)

Girl: "What happened to Sully?"
Arnold: "I let him go." (Commando, after Arnold drops Sully off a cliff.)

"I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry." (Commando, Arnold to bad guys ex-Green Berets.)

Lori: "Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweet heart?"
Arnold: "Sweet heart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!"
[Lori goes for her gun, Arnold shoots her.]
Arnold: "Consider that a divorce." (Total Recall.)

"Who is your daddy and what does you do?" (Kindergarten Cop, Arnold to kindergarten class as he tries to figure out which child is in danger of his fugitive father.)

"Ice to meet you." (Batman and Robin, with Arnold as Mr. Freeze.)

"Let off some steam, Bennett." (Commando, as Arnold throws a pipe through Bennett's chest into a steam turbine.)

"Stick Around." (Predator, as Arnold throws a knife through a guy into a wall.)

Arnold: "Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?"
[Arnold is holding Sully by one leg over a cliff.]
Sully: "That's right Matrix, you did!"
Arnold: "I lied." (Commando, as Arnold drops Sully over a cliff.)

"Cool off." (True Lies, as Arnold throws a bad guy's head into a urinal."

Stewardess: "Is your wife okay sir?"
Arnold: "Compared to what?" (Kindergarten Cop, as Arnold's traveling companion runs to airplane bathroom.)

Kid: "Where are you going?"
Arnold: "To catch the red eye." (Last Action Hero, as Arnold leaves crime scene to catch bad guy with fake red eye.)

Lawyer: "What do you think?"
[Arnold reads over contract.]
Arnold: "I'll tell you what I think of it. I live to see you eat that contract. But I hope you leave room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach."
Lawyer: "Sign here. Here, use my back."
[Arnold signs and then rams pen through contract into guy's back.]
Arnold: "Don't forget to send me a copy." (The Running Man, when Arnold is forced to be contestant on The Running Man show.)

TV Host: "Do you know who I am?"
Arnold: "I know you. You're the ***hole on TV." (Running Man, when Arnold meets the host of The Running Man show.)

Arnold: "Your levity is good. It relieves tension and fear of death." (Terminator 3, when Arnold is driving the RV with John Connor to destroy Skynet.)

People in crowd: [Yelling in Spanish]
Arnold: Hey what are you doing!?!? (Collateral Damage, when Arnold tries to break up a fight on the street.)

Seattle Heat Wave: A Haiku

2009-07-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

I like summer but
One-o-three and no A/C
Is not a good deal.

Our house is so hot
That at night even the floor
Is warm to the feel.

What is going on?
The news blames global warming
But that can't be real.

And why are all the
People in Arizona laugh-
ing at our ordeal?

Hey Hermione,

2009-07-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you're not too busy later how about I conjure up some dinner and a movie?

Pioneer Day!

2009-07-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

National Ice Cream Day!

2009-07-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Orange You Glad?

2009-07-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

You probably rely on my Apples To Apples blog post every time you go the grocery store and size up which apples to buy. (Braeburn in case you are too lazy to click on the link.) But have you ever faced the same conundrum when choosing orange juice? There are so many brands and they all describe their products with words like “Premium,” “Fresh Squeezed,” "All Natural," etc. Who should you believe?!?!

Is this you in the orange juice aisle?

Oh Pepper? is now bringing you the results of the first ever Orange Juice Blind Taste Test. No such test has ever been attempted anywhere in the world at any time and the results are posted exclusively here on Oh Pepper?

The specimens.

I blindly tasted eight different orange juices (all pulp free) two separate times, each time in a different order--Florida Natural, Tropical Pure Premium, Odwalla, Naked, Safeway, Organics, Simply Orange, and Minute Maid. Only three of these were from concentrate—Minute Maid, Safeway, and Organics. The rest were “fresh squeezed.” I gave each a score from 1-10. In between drinks I ate a pretzel and drank water to rid my buds of the previous taste.

Careful consideration.

Cleaning the pallet.

Using a complex formula full of algorithms and quantum equations which are too difficult explain, I calculated which juice is the best value when factoring in cost and taste. I don't think anyone will click on my notes but here they are anyway:

If money were no object you should buy Simply Orange. It's the best.

But factoring in the price, the best value per ounce goes to Minute Maid Premium Original. This is surprising because it's actually from concentrate. So, now you know that "Fresh Squeezed" doesn't necessarily mean better taste.

Other notes: Odwalla tasted like bark and Safeway made me want to wash my mouth out with soap.

Safeway Orange Juice is poison!

I hope you appreciate this information. I spent like $40 on all the stupid orange juice and then had to drink it all in two weeks so it didn't go bad.

Independence Day!

2009-07-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Big Surprise

2009-06-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

And here's what the sign on the door says:

There you have it.

Farewell, King of Pop

2009-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Oh Michael Jackson, you were such a complicated, creepy man, but you made some sweet music and people were obsessed with you. You had a chimpanzee named Bubbles who cleaned your room for you and a son named Blanket whom you hung over a four-story balcony. You shared a bed with other people's children and you were sued by some of their parents, but you also invented the moon walk and were invited to the White House by two different Presidents. You owned all the Beatles songs and you're the reason we can't legally sing "Happy Birthday" at restaurants, but you gave millions of dollars to charities and made white gloves cool again. You underwent four rhinoplasties and had slits for a nose, but a whole prison in The Philippines danced peacefully to your music video choreography for Thriller. Your hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi, and your property was called Neverland. You showed us it is possible to to marry your nurse, not live together, but somehow procreate. You wore pajamas to court and you were in a 3-D space movie. You were tried for touching children inappropriately, but this stopped Jay Leno from telling lame jokes in his annoying voice and that was really cool. You were considered a freak in America, but you were invited to live in Bahrain as a personal guest of Sheikh Abdullah. You sold 750 million albums and won 13 Grammy Awards, but you were bankrupt. You had a soft, effeminate voice but you taught us that it doesn't matter if you're black or white, literally. Farewell, King of Pop.

Trashtalking 101

2009-06-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Obviously the best part of competitive activities is the trashtalking. It's probably even more fun than the activity itself. When else is it perfectly acceptable and even expected to berate someone? For example, if your mom is cooking dinner you probably shouldn't criticize her stirring methods or use of spices. But, on a show like Hell's Kitchen where contestants compete to become the owner of a new restaurant, it's perfectly okay for Chef Ramsey to call someone an idiot for chopping an onion wrong.

There are really only two rules when it comes to trashtalking at a sporting event. Just follow these two simple rules and you'll be fine. First, if using a sign, don't spell words wrong or use bad grammar. Second, make sure your team wins. Especially if you're wearing facepaint. You'll look like an idiot walking out of the stadium.

Here's what not to do:

(Why are there bombs on the poster?)

Because at the end of the game you might look like this:

(Dude, what's on your face?)

And the other team might look like this:

Because with your help they just advanced to the Semifinals of the Confederations Cup on a fluke tiebreaker:

And then beat Spain, the #1 team in the world, to advance to the Final:

When you're a US Soccer fan, you should take full advantage of trashtalking opportunities like these. They don't come around too often.

Church History Tour: Palmyra

2009-06-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I got to visit the church sites where it all began: PALMYRA!!! I didn't find any gold plates, but I saw some cool stuff.

My parents actually took me here back in '82. I don't remember very much but I've always had this weird memory of them putting me on this stone pillar that was about twenty feet high. And I remember crying the whole time they tried to take a picture of me. Well, I found that "twenty foot stone pillar" and for some reason it didn't seem so scary this time around.

Poor little baby! Why isn't your little sister crying, too, baby?!?!

The Hill Cumorah.

The one downer was that Mrs. Smith was pretty mean and wouldn't even answer the door.

Thanks for the good times, Palmyra. Next stop, Kirtland!

Flag Day!

2009-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Flag Day to all!

And if you've been thinking to yourself recently, "C-Biscuit is really slipping. Oh Pepper? just isn't what it used to be," you're probably right. Maybe it's like when Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters have to ask for ideas at the end of their shows because they're not creative enough to come up with their own. Not that I want blog ideas from you. If you send me one I will put your email in the spam folder. I just wanted to acknowledge the drought of A+ blogs on Oh Pepper? Thank you.